HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

This topic is for posting comments to:

Halo: Betrayles
Posted by Nick (altegar@comcast.net)
19 September 2004, 4:11 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=nick.0919040411291.html

MasterSushi · Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 3:35 pm Post subject:

Nick, we meet again.

There are things I want to say but can't I'll probably be banned. So I'll go easy. Since when did Major Silva turn into Satan. So he hated Master Chief, I doubt Major Silva would endanger the lives of Marines. No one in thier right mind would shoot their Major. If something like this happened Silva would be Court martiald(I don't know how to spell it,) and shot then at worst. It all seems a little bang bang your dead to me and the title sounds suspiciously like Brute Force: Betrayals the fantstic book by Dean Whatsit.
As I keep telling you. Fix up your mistakes and try again. keep trying til you've seived out all the mistakes and it's the best it can be.

Eat fish and stay in school.
Don't do drugs do sushi.

Jackal the ripper · Member Joined: 21 Sep 2004 Posts: 5

I like covnant fan fiction.

btw: could you make a jackal character? i like jackals.... as you can see by my avatar name Smile

Jackal the ripper · Member Joined: 21 Sep 2004 Posts: 5

oops wrong post

Embarassed

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Well, you need to use the code (indents). And whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that was totally off. Your characters were wrong, really wrong. First of all, yes, even Silva isn't that evil or stupid. He woulnd't kill the Chief, or send his own troops to die.
Also, Keyes would not have tried to shoot at him. McKay can't dodge bullets, and I got confused.
Everything went by really fast, and you dialogue was short, unrealistic, and just off. You needed more detail, as a writing style.

Overall, next time you write, you might want to think your story over a little more. Use better grammar and spelling, too.
_________________
-MCC

Nick Kang · Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 8:56 pm Post subject:

Someone's trying to steal my name! Evil or Very Mad

lol jk, I don't care.

But yeah, there isn't really anything else to say here...everyone else got it already (Exceot Jackal the Ripper Laughing

) .
_________________
Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter.

Grunt-Boy · Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 9:34 pm Post subject:

ok...that was a little strange. and corny.

"I believe you captain. You are the most trustworthy person I know."

What the heck? I don't think somebody would say that. He might say yes sir but thats about it. And the Makay person (spelled it wrong, sry) wouldn't dodge the bullet, as our asteemed colleage, MCC said. So you do need a little work with the character persanality. (Spelled it wrong.)

4/10-Poor needs more work.

the end.

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

As a follow up:
Just slow down, don't ruch your writing. You may have this idea; like totally going against Silva because you read about or heard about him, and didn't like him. But work on your story more next time. Many of the stuff you had just didn't add up or make sense.
_________________
-MCC

Helljumper · Member Joined: 31 Jul 2004 Posts: 298 Location: Pittsburgh

That was so freaking childish, thats all i can say, off to class.

ODST

Chuckles · Posted: Fri Sep 24, 2004 6:21 am Post subject:

Like they said, your characters are way off. MC's Cousin was right, you need to slow your writing down. Maybe after five or six chapters you could build up to a showdown between Keyes and Silva, but you have to make us believe it first. Try to be a bit more inventive with your characters. The idea that Silva was hiding two Covenant plasma grenades behind his back as he addressed the Masterchief was more than a bit of a stretch. Remember that Spartans have superhuman reflexes to start with. On top of that, John has Cortana interfacing with his MJOLNIR armor making him even faster. Therefore, if someone is planning on killing MC they are going to have to get a lot more eloborate than a suicidal sticky-bomb attack.

Slow it down, read some good authors, and keep writing.

C.T. Clown

Pajari · Member Joined: 28 Sep 2004 Posts: 100 Location: Luna

It seems like you started out with a coherent idea, left the computer for four hours, and returned at two o'clock in the morning to hastily finish the story and post it- take your time and do it right, there are no deadlines here.

SYSTEM · Posted: Wed Sep 29, 2004 8:54 pm Post subject:

Try this.

-Take a few days off.
-Call in sick.
-And take some time to yourself.

When you feel like you're ready, then start typing. Be sure to have a friend read your story, just to make sure you're doing everything correctly.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.