HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Halo: Betrayles

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 1:04 pm    Post subject: Halo: Betrayles Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Halo: Betrayles
Posted by Nick (altegar@comcast.net)
19 September 2004, 4:11 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=nick.0919040411291.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
MasterSushi
Member


Joined: 14 Sep 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Sitting in a chair. On my own. Eating cupcakes. And people tell me to get a life. Ha.

PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 3:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nick, we meet again.

There are things I want to say but can't I'll probably be banned. So I'll go easy. Since when did Major Silva turn into Satan. So he hated Master Chief, I doubt Major Silva would endanger the lives of Marines. No one in thier right mind would shoot their Major. If something like this happened Silva would be Court martiald(I don't know how to spell it,) and shot then at worst. It all seems a little bang bang your dead to me and the title sounds suspiciously like Brute Force: Betrayals the fantstic book by Dean Whatsit.
As I keep telling you. Fix up your mistakes and try again. keep trying til you've seived out all the mistakes and it's the best it can be.

Eat fish and stay in school.
Don't do drugs do sushi.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Jackal the ripper
Member


Joined: 21 Sep 2004
Posts: 5

PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 6:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like covnant fan fiction.



btw: could you make a jackal character? i like jackals.... as you can see by my avatar name Smile
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Jackal the ripper
Member


Joined: 21 Sep 2004
Posts: 5

PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 6:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

oops wrong post

Embarassed
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 6:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, you need to use the code (indents). And whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, that was totally off. Your characters were wrong, really wrong. First of all, yes, even Silva isn't that evil or stupid. He woulnd't kill the Chief, or send his own troops to die.
Also, Keyes would not have tried to shoot at him. McKay can't dodge bullets, and I got confused.
Everything went by really fast, and you dialogue was short, unrealistic, and just off. You needed more detail, as a writing style.

Overall, next time you write, you might want to think your story over a little more. Use better grammar and spelling, too.
_________________
-MCC
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Nick Kang
Member


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 688
Location: Michigan State University

PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 8:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Someone's trying to steal my name! Evil or Very Mad

lol jk, I don't care.


But yeah, there isn't really anything else to say here...everyone else got it already (Exceot Jackal the Ripper Laughing ) .
_________________
Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Grunt-Boy
Member


Joined: 28 Aug 2004
Posts: 36
Location: In a land so myserious, so desolate, so...so...um...o well i just live in South Carolina

PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 9:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

ok...that was a little strange. and corny.

"I believe you captain. You are the most trustworthy person I know."

What the heck? I don't think somebody would say that. He might say yes sir but thats about it. And the Makay person (spelled it wrong, sry) wouldn't dodge the bullet, as our asteemed colleage, MCC said. So you do need a little work with the character persanality. (Spelled it wrong.)


4/10-Poor needs more work.


the end.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 10:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

As a follow up:
Just slow down, don't ruch your writing. You may have this idea; like totally going against Silva because you read about or heard about him, and didn't like him. But work on your story more next time. Many of the stuff you had just didn't add up or make sense.
_________________
-MCC
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Helljumper
Member


Joined: 31 Jul 2004
Posts: 298
Location: Pittsburgh

PostPosted: Thu Sep 23, 2004 1:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was so freaking childish, thats all i can say, off to class.

ODST
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address MSN Messenger
Chuckles
Member


Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Fri Sep 24, 2004 6:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Like they said, your characters are way off. MC's Cousin was right, you need to slow your writing down. Maybe after five or six chapters you could build up to a showdown between Keyes and Silva, but you have to make us believe it first. Try to be a bit more inventive with your characters. The idea that Silva was hiding two Covenant plasma grenades behind his back as he addressed the Masterchief was more than a bit of a stretch. Remember that Spartans have superhuman reflexes to start with. On top of that, John has Cortana interfacing with his MJOLNIR armor making him even faster. Therefore, if someone is planning on killing MC they are going to have to get a lot more eloborate than a suicidal sticky-bomb attack.

Slow it down, read some good authors, and keep writing.

C.T. Clown
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Pajari
Member


Joined: 28 Sep 2004
Posts: 100
Location: Luna

PostPosted: Wed Sep 29, 2004 3:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It seems like you started out with a coherent idea, left the computer for four hours, and returned at two o'clock in the morning to hastily finish the story and post it- take your time and do it right, there are no deadlines here.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website
SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Wed Sep 29, 2004 8:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Try this.

-Take a few days off.
-Call in sick.
-And take some time to yourself.

When you feel like you're ready, then start typing. Be sure to have a friend read your story, just to make sure you're doing everything correctly.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group