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Part1: The Architect's Mission

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 6:26 pm    Post subject: Part1: The Architect's Mission Reply with quote

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Part1: The Architect's Mission
Posted by DarkZipper (darkzipper@hitandrunprod.com)
13 October 2005, 6:40 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=DarkZipper1013051840241.html
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Wellington
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Joined: 30 Sep 2005
Posts: 110
Location: Canada

PostPosted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 9:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Need I even say it? Please use code.

Getting to the actual story, I liked it. Although I haven't been here for about two years, I think the plot is fairly original. The main character is an elite that is in fact not a warrior, as evidenced when he says he will fight little better than his Grunt comrade, which I though was pretty intriguing. In addition, this story seems to be based on the Covenant perspective of scavanging ancient Forerunner technology. Indeed, the main character is in fact an architect. Very cool.

I have some complaints, not including the lack of code. First of all, I thought the confrontation with the Brute was distinctly unbelievable and Covenant interaction overall didn't seem as it is supposed to in the Halo universe. Since this story is completely from the Covenant perspective a certain amount of leniency is called for, but I suggest making the Elites especially come off as religious zealots. Also, I thought the writing style seemed a tad rushed with a lack of description where I think it needed it. Lastly, to nitpick, you occasionally deviated from the paragraph format. Remember to always make a new paragraph when there is a new speaker.

I must say, though, you've captivated me. I look forward to the next installment.

3/5
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DarkZipper
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Joined: 15 Oct 2005
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PostPosted: Sat Oct 15, 2005 1:08 am    Post subject: Thanks Reply with quote

Sorry about not using the code. All I did was write it on word then copied and pasted it. I probably should've checked it before I submitted it. I tried to give the story a Covenant feel, but at the same time Gnarlg's point of view, so it was a bit challenging. All I wanted to point out with the Brute encounter was the fact that the Elites and Brutes have a shaky relationship. I admit I just discovered the fan fiction part (yeah, i'm a noob) and decided to enter something so I quickly made up a story and characters on the spot. I'm happy with your comment. If you enjoyed this installment I promise you'll love the next one!
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Nick Kang
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 688
Location: Michigan State University

PostPosted: Sat Oct 15, 2005 1:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It definitely had potential, I'll give you that. Lots and lots of potential...

Though keep in mind, Threshold is a gas giant, and therefore has an incredible well of gravity. Anything that set foot on it would instantly flatten into the height of a household ant. Perhaps you could warp your storyline to involve a structure suspended over Threshold (much like the one in H2) instead of on it.
Some of your descriptions were also good, though I noticed in some places that you forgot quotation marks for dialogue (and always remember - a new paragraph starts whenever a new speaker begins speaking).
And yes, you need the Code.

That should be enough for this installment. When the second one is posted, I'll comment on some more of your errors, and so on. The best way to improve writing is in small doses.
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DarkZipper
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Joined: 15 Oct 2005
Posts: 18

PostPosted: Sat Oct 15, 2005 1:29 am    Post subject: Structure Reply with quote

You'll learn more about the structure they're exploring later. It is actually over the surface of threshhold. I'm sorry if I didn't specify on that very well.
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Michael Archer
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Joined: 19 Aug 2004
Posts: 152
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada, North America, Earth, Inner Planets, Too bad it won't let me go farther.

PostPosted: Sat Oct 15, 2005 1:55 pm    Post subject: story Reply with quote

If you're going to write in the novel style (no spaces between paragraphs) be sure to use the Code when indenting.

Yes finally. An Elites name that doesn't end in "eee".
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DarkZipper
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Joined: 15 Oct 2005
Posts: 18

PostPosted: Sat Oct 15, 2005 3:52 pm    Post subject: Elite name Reply with quote

lol. Yeah, all they probably did was use the elite name finder on this site. Those always end with double-e. I just made this one up. Also, I've submitted Part II, and it should come out pretty soon. (and yes, I used Code in part II)
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