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Welcome To Annihilation

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Fri Oct 14, 2005 6:26 pm    Post subject: Welcome To Annihilation Reply with quote

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Welcome To Annihilation
Posted by Dark_Oblivion (jules_rocker_666@yahoo.co.uk)
11 October 2005, 5:35 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Dark_Oblivio1011051735461.html
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SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Sun Oct 16, 2005 1:46 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

- I've got the usual compliments and complaints.
The first complaint is easily the formatting. First off, remember to separate your AN's with a horizontal rule; use the coding for that. Also remember that many readers here won't bother to read unformatted blocks of solid text, and stuff that is not formatted professionally. After all, we get tons of stories each update that aren't coded, and many of them are just banal recitals of poorly-described action. A lot of people here will just see an uncoded story, stamp it as read, and then move onto the next one.

Hit the guidelines, scroll all the way down. Remember, also, the preview key is there for your use. It's your responsibility to ensure that your story is proofread and fully prepared before you send it out.

Alright, onto the story.

The idea of a terrible 'hunger' I liked, but also, remember at the same time that we're not generally interested in loads and loads of action. Stylistic description is good, but after a while it can get boring and banal.

Movies have made story action pretty much obselete as a plot; it can be used as a tool to open stories, or used as a tool to speed things up, but it can't be relied upon to grab a reader's attention constantly. For quick bursts, or at the beginning of a series, that usually gets today's action-craved youth (Hungry, as you said,) interested, but for the entire story? Not really. Multiplayer stories are short, fast, and generally brutal to showcase stylistic talent, but I'd like to see people do more than just write loads and loads of action.

I noticed you attempted a more laid-back style, going for the idea of a retelling rather than a short, brutal, in-yer-face kind of scene, but remember that action becomes a summary if it's not described in detail; and first-person perspective can limit that severely. If you want to get practice and make it harder for yourself, go ahead. But remember to also be sure to shore up yourself in other areas too. However, at the end of the day, the action just piled out into one colossal summary, which proved to be very disappointing.

As for characters, and setting, well, you're going to need those if you want to survive. All I know is that you're at Blood Gulch, but pretend I don't know Blood Gulch. All I know is a name. It's not a place, just an empty void filled with a bunch of generic guys with guns blasting each other. I don't hear the crickets chirping in the tall, swaying grasses, see the glowing lights flashing serenely amid the dull grey steel of the bases, see the clouds drifting past us lazily in a sky of pure blue on a hot summer midday, taste the warm, fresh earthy air, feel the soft loam and plants beneath my boots... I don't feel any of that.

Now, I know that can be used stylistically, but when it covers the whole thing, it actually takes away from what you're trying to promote and makes the setting seem backdropped and spaced out. This is known as the backdrop effect, where the lack of setting actually upstages your characters and makes things seem stagnant and poorly-thought-out. Remember the five senses; feel, hear, smell, see, and touch. And also remember what you feel spiritually; no shortage of that, on the other hand!

So, brush up, don't worry about this, and keep trying. We'll do our best to critique, provide tips, and be there. You've got the guts to come and post on HBO, let's see some more. Take it easy, take your time, relax, and...

- Most importantly, have fun.

- Dave
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Pooman
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Joined: 18 Aug 2005
Posts: 86
Location: Kentucky

PostPosted: Sun Oct 16, 2005 5:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, he's in a particularly fine mood. Sorry I just had to say that. Well dave did a nice job of reviewing once again. I thought this story held true to how I feel when I play Halo or Halo 2 online. so yesh, good description. 8.0/10
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