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Why Me? Second Edition.

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 1:29 pm    Post subject: Why Me? Second Edition. Reply with quote

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Why Me? Second Edition.
Posted by Mind_Affecting_Parasite
9 October 2005, 2:25 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Mind_Affecti1009051425111.html
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Mark25
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Joined: 12 Jul 2005
Posts: 192
Location: Single and seriously pissed

PostPosted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 4:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Woh, woh, woh, dude that was fantastic, I'm serious, Admittedly I felt it was flawed in language and flow in one or two parts but such trifle mistakes are easily forgivable given the poems message.

In terms of comparison of the first and second editions, the scope and overall feel to the latter just blows the former out of the water. I did say that I felt the first edition, while quite good, did lack hope and a broad scope of understanding on behalf of the protaganist and why he was there. All that has completely changed in this one, you managed to 'talk' us through his (eventual) understanding and in the process help shape our own (or just my own) about such a person. Quality mate.

Flow-wise, it was good, could have been done a tad better perhaps, some people have a rigid definition of poetry so you may get one or two complaints but no foul here dude. Choice wording for a lot of it.

After going back through both poems I noticed that you used a fair amount of the same words, I take it this is the poem you really wanted to get across then? Also I feel that you listened to the advice that you were given the first time around i.e. distracting 'why me's'... less of... more scope... etc or am I being presumptious?

I for one, would be happy to have served in this guy/gal's company.

I'll leave with a stanza that I felt, has definitely made an impression:

Quote:
To live and fight another day,
That is what some would say.
Aspire to again, see the rays of the sun,
Instead of dismissing one's life as done.

Hope sure is a beautiful thing and you managed to shed a little light in its direction for us all to see. Nice one dude
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SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3743
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 10:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Mindey.

It's been a long time, huh? What happened to HFS? Aaargh!

Seein' you again brings back memories of HFS, and the days... the days of Salty Beans, back when we didn't have this fancy board... *SIGH*

Quote:
Spared, have I been?
Or simply left to contemplate my sin?


That line, I love. Heh, that's what the teachers always seem to be telling you when you get suspended; or they just give you a day off to sleep in, hah hah hah.

Anyhow, great poem, I love poems. Sad thing is, I'm not much of a poet myself, so that's really all I can say. Alright, good to see ya again, have fun, take care of yourself now.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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Pooman
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Joined: 18 Aug 2005
Posts: 86
Location: Kentucky

PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2005 8:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh wow, that was an amazing poem. Beautiful piece of work you made! Alot of amazing lines that just make you an amazing poet. Great job! A well deserved 10/10 for you.
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EliteSupaSpartan
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Joined: 08 Sep 2005
Posts: 5
Location: North America

PostPosted: Thu Oct 13, 2005 1:34 am    Post subject: Reply Reply with quote

Well, I thought this was a really nice poem. It's nice and dark and I like how it really aims to the morality of the Chief's honor and noble task he's doing. He knows he will give his life to protect Earth, no matter what the cost. Great work man. I'd rate this a 9 because I liked the Yoda ending that you had. later.
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thedarkfire
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Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 1045
Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!

PostPosted: Thu Oct 13, 2005 3:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very nice MAP. I think I'm going to write another poem now.
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