HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

This topic is for posting comments to:

Why Me? Second Edition.
Posted by Mind_Affecting_Parasite
9 October 2005, 2:25 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Mind_Affecti1009051425111.html

Mark25 · Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 4:55 pm Post subject:

Woh, woh, woh, dude that was fantastic, I'm serious, Admittedly I felt it was flawed in language and flow in one or two parts but such trifle mistakes are easily forgivable given the poems message.

In terms of comparison of the first and second editions, the scope and overall feel to the latter just blows the former out of the water. I did say that I felt the first edition, while quite good, did lack hope and a broad scope of understanding on behalf of the protaganist and why he was there. All that has completely changed in this one, you managed to 'talk' us through his (eventual) understanding and in the process help shape our own (or just my own) about such a person. Quality mate.

Flow-wise, it was good, could have been done a tad better perhaps, some people have a rigid definition of poetry so you may get one or two complaints but no foul here dude. Choice wording for a lot of it.

After going back through both poems I noticed that you used a fair amount of the same words, I take it this is the poem you really wanted to get across then? Also I feel that you listened to the advice that you were given the first time around i.e. distracting 'why me's'... less of... more scope... etc or am I being presumptious?

I for one, would be happy to have served in this guy/gal's company.

I'll leave with a stanza that I felt, has definitely made an impression:

SYSTEM · Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 10:46 pm Post subject:

Hey Mindey.

It's been a long time, huh? What happened to HFS? Aaargh!

Seein' you again brings back memories of HFS, and the days... the days of Salty Beans, back when we didn't have this fancy board... *SIGH*

Pooman · Member Joined: 18 Aug 2005 Posts: 86 Location: Kentucky

Oh wow, that was an amazing poem. Beautiful piece of work you made! Alot of amazing lines that just make you an amazing poet. Great job! A well deserved 10/10 for you.

EliteSupaSpartan · Posted: Thu Oct 13, 2005 1:34 am Post subject: Reply

Well, I thought this was a really nice poem. It's nice and dark and I like how it really aims to the morality of the Chief's honor and noble task he's doing. He knows he will give his life to protect Earth, no matter what the cost. Great work man. I'd rate this a 9 because I liked the Yoda ending that you had. later.

thedarkfire · Posted: Thu Oct 13, 2005 3:16 am Post subject:

Very nice MAP. I think I'm going to write another poem now.