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Oh where, oh where did this M6D come from
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 1:29 pm    Post subject: Oh where, oh where did this M6D come from Reply with quote

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Oh where, oh where did this M6D come from
Posted by AI Construct (Death_Of_A_God@hotmail.com)
8 October 2005, 5:34 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=AI_Construct1008051734221.html
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Skul
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 4:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A lot of sentences didn't start with capital letters. The same with names. Capitals seemed to be dabbed here and there. And in the first few lines of dialogue, 'so' was used three times in a short period.

I also noticed that you wrote 'gernade' instead of 'grenade'. The first time I saw that, I thought it was a simple spelling mistake, but then you wrote twice more! People, stop spelling 'grenade' like that!

Your formatting was weird. Text was jumping to the next line at odd places.

One last thing - CODE! You must use the Code, otherwise your work won't look very clean. Use [indent] to indent your text at the start of every new line. Use [i] and [/i] to italicise your text for when people are shouting and thinking - it looks and reads better. The same with [b] and [/b] to embolden text.

I'm not ranting on at you, just giving you some pointers. The people here at HBOFF take writing very seriously, so make sure to follow their advice.

As for the story itself; ignoring the lack of code, it was average. Not bad, average.

Ah, here come the wolves. Be gentle, guys! Razz

Peace! Smile
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 7:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
"sir... those havn't been issued on our ship in eight months" I said shakily


From the look of your story it began on the ground and at the last moment jumped aboard some random ship just lazily drifting in space.

Like skull has said before, here come the Wolves. I'll correct him with, here comes the Wolf.

now before you decide to PM me telling me to stfu and stop being a dick and what not, just read this fact. That whatever we tell you, except for all out flaming is for the betterment of your writing skills. I mean we could care less of your level of skill and give a d*mn for you.

But that's only if you decide to be a n00b the entire stay at hboff. So, lets begin shall we?

Code:
[hr]



Quote:
Part A: 2000 Hours:

After a good cold shower, and a hot meal, I felt alot better.

Part B: 1300 Hours:


As you say he woke up at 1300 hours and then it took him seven hours to get ready, take a nice luxirious shower and a fresh made meal. No offense, but this isn't Dress me up Barbie day. Be realistic eh? it will get you better remarks.

Skul told you on the minimal basics of the code.
I'll tell you the rest
Code is as follows:
[] - for the tag
Bold - b for bold, and to close the bold format in the tag insert /b
Italics - same format as bold, but insert i in the beginning and /i in the end.

Remember to encapuslate the i, /i, b, /b in [] these.

Underline - again same format as i and b. This time insert u and /u in the tags. Two more, bear with me.

Horizontal Rule: simple for making these, insert hr (without the bold format) in the tags - []

And finally, indentations. These things will be your friend for as long as you post stories.

Indentations - insert the word indent in the tags [].

One last thing with the code, once you've made your tags [b]DO NOT PUT A SPACE IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE TAG. OTHERWISE IT WON'T WORK.

Code:
[hr]


cool? cool.

Quote:
A message had been received a few hours earlier,a distress signal, a lone marine had been able to warn us about a force of
flood coming.

Everyone was worried.


I believe that if a message was recieved by a marine before his death to the flood. Besides being worried and or scared shitless, it would be most logical to have everyone ready with their armor and weapons patrolling the camp and just sitting but being vigil in the open for signs of flood.


Quote:
I stared at my hands, wondering if I would be able to fight, the incident ealier, combined with the recent death of my two
friends, had my nerves shot.
You need to be careful with this kind of thing, "wondering if I would be able to fight. If the character was traumatized by previous incident and felt that he would have to fight write it somewhat like so:

[indent]I took a look at my hands, the same hands that had been paralyzed by fear. My two friends earlier had perished because of my fear. Tears ran down my cheek and onto my lips, the salty taste was more painful than before. Sanity, a mask, god help me... Seeing that Anthony was asleep I got up and quickly and quietly got into my fatigues. Fearing the sound of wearing armor would wake him I made for the tent flap. Slowly and carefully I pulled the down revealing the outside. It was dark and the stars illuminated the sky, I remembered how it looked from Earth, a field of endless possibilites. Only the flood stopped it from expanding.

[indent]Grabbing my battlerifle I moved outside of the tent and headed for the medic's tent. Reaching it within a moment i started to pull back the flap when i heard that horrible screech. F*ck! Its them. Dropping flap I pulled back the slider pin on my rifle and checked for a round in the barrel. The three moons in the system just for a second triangulated their light on my weapon and I caught the glimpse of the gold colored round. A sense of relief filled my body and adrenaline then rushed into my system setting aside my thoughts of Sanity and pushing my body towards my tent. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me, plowing through the flaps I ran for my armor all while the same screaming.
[indent]"Anthony get up! You lazily f*ck, get up! The Flood are on the outter edge of the forest, hurry!"

[indent]Tossing the rifle to the side I picked up the front battleplate armour and strapped it to myself then put on my leg and arm pieces. Once Anthony was awake, with his help I was able to get my rear protection armour plate into position. Time seemed to drag on and then the screeching noise grew louder and a lot closer. Once we both were ready, I kicked the crate near my bunk and shattered the lock. Smashing open the lid I pulled six magazines for the battlerifle and began to put them in my pockets. Following that I withdrew four M6C close-combat standard issue pistols. Handed two to my friend and placed two in my holders on each of my legs. Taking out another six magazines of battlerifle ammuniton, I handed them to him. Grabbing two custom made magazines for the M6C I stuffed them in my pant pockets. The normal bullets were replaced by a diamond tipped armor piercing round. Made especially for countering the flood.

[indent]Unfortunately for Anthony and I, these things didn't come cheap and we were only able to acquire two clips per person. Damn rank-superiority. On the battle field, a private is worth just as much as a general. Picking up my rifle I ran through the tent. Keeping in mind that in such close quarters the M9 HE-DP Fragmentation grenades would render useless. The flood had no compassion and therefore the loss of their kind would have no meaning. But we as humans would fall apart the moment our friends started to die from friendly fire.

[indent]We both ran near the main tent to acquire information of the defense perimeter setup. The tent grew nearer and nearer, a few marines were surrounding it. Armed to the teeth with the M90 Shotguns. We were approximately twelve meters from the tent when a blood boiling scream issued from inside the tent followed by an explosion of sickening green, red and orange. The tent exploded in a grand fireball, and the resulting shockwave tore apart the marines stationed to guard it. We were knocked off our feet as the shockwave reached us. The impact drove a rock into my rear armor and a small dull pain reached across my spinal cord to my brain and back to my nerves. Screaming for me to get the f*ck up. As I slowly got up I saw Anthony's hand in front of me, grabbing it he pulled me up and we viewed the carnage temporarily. The HQ tent no longer existed and niether did the guards surrounding it. But to our luck we saw two corpses near us.

[indent]Hurrying over to them, I saw that they were barely alive. Reaching down I grabbed the man's hand and spoke loud enough for him to hear me.
[indent]"Hang on buddy, help is on the way."

[indent]But rather than saving his energy to cling to his fading life he spoke and with his last breath gave away his final message.
[indent]"Son...m-my time is here, t-the-these things care for no one." He coughed up some blood, the crimson droplets landed on my rifle and across his body. "T-take my g-g-gun, a-ammo is in m-my pock-" And with a sudden jolt his body went limp. Looking up with a hint of tears at the corner of my eyes I saw Anthony nod his head, with the meaning of death.

[indent]Rubbing my eyes on my sleeve I grabbed the man's dogtags and stored them in my pocket. Following that I reached into his belt and took out two boxes of eight guage magnum shells and stowed them in my remaining belt space. Once they were secure, i grabbed his shotgun and got up and ran for the battle. Within a second delay Anthony followed suit and soon caught up to me. We placed the shotgun onto our backs and drew our rifles. Activating the single-shot mode we entered fray and saw chaos everywhere. Screams of marines and flood alike, blood color of a dark green and red mixing. Dismembered body parts and entrails sprayed across tents. Other bodies and even vehicles.

[indent]At the edge of the fight we saw a few marines in hogs holding their ground. Two marines defending the front of the hog and two defending the back. Finally one remained in the M41 light anti-aircraft gun and continued raining the rounds slightly smaller than the S2. The first warthog's belt emptied and a marine shouted something incoherent. The other two warthogs provided covering fire as he reload took place. Shifting my attention back to the battle I brought my rifle to chest height and began squeezing the trigger as fast as the rounds could possibly cycle. Empty brass cassings ejected from the gun and onto the ground. The 9.5mm armor piercing rounds entered the chest cavity of combat forms and tore apart the infection forms burried deep within their carapace.

[indent]After finding a decent position close to the center of the battle, my friend and I became back to back. A pair in unison of a complete killing machine. The counter on my rifle started to dwindle as it started to drop below the two digit mark. Five, four, three, two, one. "Reload!" I screamed loudly. Turning a hundred and eighty degrees I faced a side that had in favor less enemies than the side Anthony was facing now. Activating the clip-ejection system, I watched as the rifle drew some power from its battery core and started the motors in the magazine feed and pushed the clip out. The empty cartridge dropped the ground, followed by a secondary click as the reload system took over. Releasing all self-locking mechanisms. The empty space became absolutely smooth in order for a clip to be instereted as quickly as possible. In one swift act I slammed a fresh magazine into the empty space.

[indent]The reload mechanism activated once again and secured the clip. A small pin entered the clip and pushed rounds upward from the bottom. As the pressure increased a round slid from the magazine into the barrel and was ready to fire. The counter quickly reset itself from zero to thirty-six. Yes, that's more like it.

[indent]I began firing once again on the flood as they grew ever so closer to us. Round after round flood bodies fell and were replaced by more. My finger started to ache as the constant pushing of the firing lever strained my tiny muscles. Suddenly pain lashed through my right hand and across my right arm.
[indent]"Sh*t..." I muttered to myself.

[indent]My magazine ran empty for the second time, as I was about to scream reload once again. I heard Anthony behind me scream and I turned around to see a flood combat form jumping in the air towards our directions. Lacking the augmented body of Spartan and without completely thinking over what I was about to do. I let my rifle fall to the ground and with my left hand pulled on the strap that was attacked to my shotgun and brought it around. Grabbing the firing handle with my left I bought the barrel up in the direction of the flood body now making its decent towards Anthony. It happened once, it won't happen again! I pulled the trigger. The solid formation of the pellets left the barrel and tore through the undead corpse like a knife through hot-butter.

[indent]Green flesh rained upon us as the body exploded in sickening rotten confetti. The recoil of the weapon put extreme strain upon my left hand beyond the average human limit. In a fraction of a second i felt my left arm joint shatter and the shotgun fling from my arm and into the ground. Its barrel smoking hot from the eight guage shell. Adrenaline in my system kept me from screaming temporarily. But as the pain entered my nerves as the adrenaline decreased my mouth opened and let loose a scream louder and more painful then the screech of the undead flood.

[indent]The battle had ceased to exist, under human victory. The loss was great more than fifty percent of the battalion had been wiped out, but the onslaught had stopped. Even with the pain coursing through his body, a sense of relief had filled him. He heard Anthony scream out "Medic!" The final thing he remembered was Anthony say something to him before darkness over-took him.

[indent]Opening my eyes sometime later i saw myself to be in a bed with IV's running through arms and casts and bandages across my body. A doctor stood holding a pad in his hand, after seeing my eyes focused on him he spoke.
[indent]"How are you feeling John good?" I nodded with my eyes as i felt the movement of my head to be too painful.
[indent]"Well good, because according to my pad here, you, should be dead. You have a shattered left joint, three broken ribs. One broken vertebrae along your spinal cord. A concussion and internal hemoraging in your left lung. You're lucky to be alive son."

[indent]With the best of my ability I said faintly "thankyou."

[indent]As the doctor walked out of the room, I saw Anthony come in slightly limping as a cast was covering his right leg. My eyes gave the message of confusion.
[indent]"Some undead piece of sh*t had a M6D and managed to pull of a round. It caught me in my right leg and that was the scream you heard on the battlefield. Thanks man, I owe you one for saving my life."

[indent]A small feeling of shock and relief filled me again, defeaning the pain. Taking a deep breath I spoke "how the f*ck? The M6D's have been replaced since the return of Master Chief and Cortana from that Halo."

[indent]"I don't know man, I don't have a rat's ass clue of they got a hold of them. All i know is that you're alive and I'm alive and for the better of the day, that's all that matters." he said.

[hr]

Room fades to black till next chapter.

_______________________________________________________________________________


I made that line with Shift + - , so don't think its part of the code.

(Mind the asterix, the language setting is set for 12 year olds. Glares at MCC. hehehe)

Anyways, now given that I pretty much re-wrote your entire story with just one part. I think it should help you write your next chapter a lot better.

Now, it doesn't have to be as detailed as I wrote, but if that gives you inspiration and compells you to do it at that level. Go for it, the better you write the easier it is for us to help you. Less work, get it? Good.

Happy writing,
-Shadow

Code:
[hr]


Hey MCC, why am I still a amazing Regular, why am I not a amazing veteran. You twelve year old, answer me!
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AI Construct
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 9:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the feedback guys

About the code,

I'm trying to start using it, its just hard to remember things when im writing Sad

Well, ill take in all these things into account when I re-write the third chapter.

Oh, and don't worry, that whole PMing people and flaming them, isn't my style, its constructive critisism, so I use it to write.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Mon Oct 10, 2005 10:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

One of the easier ways to remember the code is to write down all the tags, and place them in the clipboard function of Microsoft Word or any other Word Processing software you use.

Generally, I like to make sure my tags are bolded, so they look like this.

(indent)Here's a line of the story. Here's a (i)Ship name(/i).

That usually helps you to be sure you don't mix up the tags with the text.

Keep a paper copy of the guidelines next to your monitor; usually that'll help.

- Dave.
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2005 12:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Dave Luck wrote:
One of the easier ways to remember the code is to write down all the tags, and place them in the clipboard function of Microsoft Word or any other Word Processing software you use.

Generally, I like to make sure my tags are bolded, so they look like this.

(indent)Here's a line of the story. Here's a (i)Ship name(/i).

That usually helps you to be sure you don't mix up the tags with the text.

Keep a paper copy of the guidelines next to your monitor; usually that'll help.

- Dave.


Notepad (as far as i'm aware) doesn't have that function Sad

Quote:
Your formatting was weird. Text was jumping to the next line at odd places.


bad thing about notepad,

the text doesnt have a format like MS word does, so I had to do my best just using the enter button
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2005 12:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

What you're not gonna thank me for the re-write as an example for your next chapter. Fine! i'll repost it and you'll have to come up with a better one.
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AI Construct
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2005 12:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shadow wrote:
What you're not gonna thank me for the re-write as an example for your next chapter. Fine! i'll repost it and you'll have to come up with a better one.


Laughing

lol, sorry for that, im doing homework, and trying to read comments on my story at the same time, thank you for the re-write to use as an example for my next chapter.

P.s- try and find 'The Evil Dead' reference in it Wink
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me
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2005 5:28 am    Post subject: machine protocol Reply with quote

one thing I noticed is that you didn't continue the "setneil chip fused to his brain" plot are you aboandining it or just forgot about it
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2005 1:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Notepad does have a word wrap option. You've probably not activated it is all. Go into Notepad, then click on Format > Word Wrap. All text should now automatically move to the next line when it reaches the edge of the document.

And I recommend writing your fics in MS Word or some other text program that has a spell checker. You can copy your piece over to Notepad afterwards, if you wish.

Peace! Cool
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AI Construct
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2005 11:24 pm    Post subject: Re: machine protocol Reply with quote

me wrote:
one thing I noticed is that you didn't continue the "setneil chip fused to his brain" plot are you aboandining it or just forgot about it


No no, its still part of the plot, but its an underlying theme right now Laughing
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PostPosted: Tue Oct 11, 2005 11:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

- Underlying plots? Good.

Yep. That's one thing to get a plot, but it's another thing to get a couple. I like stories with multiple plots, they make ya think more, pay attention more, and keep at it.

Just remember to give it all you've got, and don't let yourself slip.

- Dave.
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"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 2:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Notepad does have a word wrap option. You've probably not activated it is all. Go into Notepad, then click on Format > Word Wrap. All text should now automatically move to the next line when it reaches the edge of the document.

And I recommend writing your fics in MS Word or some other text program that has a spell checker. You can copy your piece over to Notepad afterwards, if you wish.

Peace!


thank you!

Dave Luck wrote:
- Underlying plots? Good.

Yep. That's one thing to get a plot, but it's another thing to get a couple. I like stories with multiple plots, they make ya think more, pay attention more, and keep at it.

Just remember to give it all you've got, and don't let yourself slip.

- Dave.


Thanks dave, ill try.
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 11:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

ending really wanted me to read the next part. good job.
keep it up.
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PostPosted: Wed Oct 12, 2005 1:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well... after reading Shadows revision of a portion of the story, I have bascially forgotten the one that AI Construct wrote.

I'm sure its been said by other people who have posted, but you need to elaborate on the whole story, there's not just one part that I can point out to you.

It's a pretty good storyline that you have going there. Just take in thought what the pro's like Shadow have said(not that im even a molecule close to being a pro at writing).
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