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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
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(ENS) Rabid_Gallagher
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Joined: 19 Oct 2004
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 Posted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 7:51 pm Post subject: |
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That was a really good piece of fiction. There were only a few words that I found you needed to fix, like correct capitalization, but that's about it.
Good luck writing the next, I will be watching.
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(Na)Marl
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| Posted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 9:37 pm Post subject: |
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--Um . . hi, ENS. Ew . . . yeah. You just seemed to appear out of the blue.
--Anyway, did the Codex people give you permission to write this? If so, then I'll read it. |
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Dagorath
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| Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 1:51 pm Post subject: |
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They did give me permission. I actually emailed Alexander Winn.
Go read. |
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Syotica
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| Posted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 2:32 pm Post subject: |
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Not too shabby dude.
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(Na)Marl
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| Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 8:53 pm Post subject: |
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--It was okay. It started out good. At the end, instead of saying:
| Quote: | Today, we fight for our gods!” the Praetor yelled. He slashed his sword in the air. The Covenant soldiers cheered.
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--How about:
| Quote: | | "Today, we fight for our Gods!" The voice of the Praetor seemed to echo through the spirits of the Covenant soldiers. As a tool of inspiration, the Praetor swung his sword through the air, cutting a deep chill into the air. Five hundred gloved and armoured fists rose in the air. And though no sound left the cave, if you heard the cheer, you'd think it'd have howled over the universe. |
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SYSTEM
The Hammer
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie
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| Posted: Thu Oct 06, 2005 10:04 pm Post subject: |
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| Marl wrote: | | "Today, we fight for our Gods!" The voice of the Praetor seemed to echo through the spirits of the Covenant soldiers. As a tool of inspiration, the Praetor swung his sword through the air, cutting a deep chill into the air. Five hundred gloved and armoured fists rose in the air. And though no sound left the cave, if you heard the cheer, you'd think it'd have howled over the universe. |
Ending two sentences in a row with the same word doesn't sound good unless it's used in a special way for a speech, when you're adding emphasis. In Narration, usually that generally doesn't sound too great.
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I liked the opening to the story: The short, punchy sentences force you to read slowly, meaning that it lets the suspense build and build. Good use of that as a stylistic device. That I like. The Chief's lookin' over these bodies, and pow, he concludes that the Covies have a new weapon, and that is attention-getting and mystifying at the same time.
A Cleric? That's a new one.
What have I got to say about it?
 - Pretty good! Keep it up!
- Dave.
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Dagorath
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| Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 8:48 am Post subject: |
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| Quote: | Ending two sentences in a row with the same word doesn't sound good unless it's used in a special way for a speech, when you're adding emphasis. In Narration, usually that generally doesn't sound too great.
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I agree, Dave. So, actually, I would change it (using Marl's edit) to something like:
| Quote: | | "Today, we fight for our gods!" the Praetor yelled. The Praetor swung his word through the air as a tool of inspiration. Five hundred armoured fists punched the air. The silence was as loud as if all the Covenant soldiers had cheered at the top of their voices. |
Though, in fact, I did put something like that in an earlier draft. However, if I did, then the Chief's last sentence would have less punch, because there would be too big a gap between "Today, we fight for our gods!" and "Today, we fight for Earth". Read the story through again, and you'll see.
A lot of the tension, Dave, is due to the Codex crew, who wrote the transcript. I just novelised it. |
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(Na)Marl
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| Posted: Fri Oct 07, 2005 8:36 pm Post subject: |
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--Oops, didn't catch that one.  That was a lot better, but could also be a bit better. |
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