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Xentorians: Alpha Attack

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 1:03 pm    Post subject: Xentorians: Alpha Attack Reply with quote

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Xentorians: Alpha Attack
Posted by Nick (altegar@comcast.net)
17 September 2004, 10:00 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=nick.0917042200073.html
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 9:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, a lot of your facts were off. I'm not sure what your Xeno-whatever thigns were, we call them the Covenant. And they wouldn't have let a Marine go anyway. Everything went by really fast, there were no real details to get caught on; as it has been told before, show, don't tell what you are thinking when you write.
As for the Flood, have you read the books? If not, I strongly urge you to do so.
I'm not sure what was up with the Marine leaving with a lot of buddies, but it was off also. Plus, the flood wouldn't have spared him, just absorbed him. That whole section of Chap 2 was really blurry, nothing was explained, and not much made sense.
Oh, by the way, Master Chief Petty Officer is a rank, but it's in the Navy, not Marines.

Overall, I had to force myself to read this, and actually, eventually, stopped. Plus, what is up with your numbers (ie-a platoon of 10,00 snipers); you really need to improve on your realism and believeablility. You have a lot of work to do; so listen to comments you are given, and get to work.
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Slit Throat
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Joined: 01 Aug 2004
Posts: 25
Location: Somewhere in the wild expanses of Southern California

PostPosted: Wed Sep 22, 2004 3:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Show not tell? That sounds exactly like what my English teacher said the other day.

Anyway, I noticed a couple things, besides those mentioned by MCC.

Nuclear bullets? If you're trying to drop the reader into the middle of a battle, please be more realistic. Especially with the numbers of troops, as previously mentioned, and the weapons they're equipped with.

Don't skip battles that involve large numbers of troops, any larger than ten, it makes people think they missed something. There was a lot more but I couldn't bring myself to read the whole thing.

Oh yea, you might want to use the code.
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Fri Sep 24, 2004 7:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahh, Slit Throat, then you must have had a good english teacher.

I have to admit it: I took one look at those HUGE paragraphs and gave up. What do you wanna bet I wasn't the only one? Do yourself a big favor and paragraph better. Use the code or even spaces, but please paragraph.

C.T. Clown
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