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Xentorians

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 1:03 pm    Post subject: Xentorians Reply with quote

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Xentorians
Posted by Nick (altegar@comcast.net)
17 September 2004, 9:42 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=nick.0917042142261.html
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MasterSushi
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Joined: 14 Sep 2004
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Location: Sitting in a chair. On my own. Eating cupcakes. And people tell me to get a life. Ha.

PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 2:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I haven't actually read this yet but it has an incredibly cool name. I haven't yet read it but will get back to you when I have. The name gets a vicious ten out of ten. (That's good)

P.S. *plug* Don't forget to read and review Shadow Part 1 and 2. Thank you.
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MasterSushi
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Joined: 14 Sep 2004
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Location: Sitting in a chair. On my own. Eating cupcakes. And people tell me to get a life. Ha.

PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 3:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This is a joke right? The story line is cool but there are a few... glitchs. i have to be quick and will probably leave stuff out. Ever heard of new line, new speaker? Copying some of the coolest things in the world (Halo and Alien/Predator, Halo being at No 1 Alien/Predator being in the Top 20 of cool). Doesn't necessarily make a cool story. In your case it made a cool name. Weapons. Oh dear. You started of so well. I saw the name, fantastic, then I saw the weapons. Stop. Rewind. #Erase and rewind# dum dedum dedum. Ahem. They're marines right? And they carry, and I quote: "It's called the Super Nuclear Handheld Bullet Gun?" Write your numbers in words rather than... numbers. I quote once more "creating a huge explosion on the same scale as 50 nuclear bombs. Everything was gone, the HQ's top section was decimated, the remaining Xentorians were killed, and Girthos and the Xentorian leader were both killed in the blast." If it had the power of 50 nuclear bombs it would do more than decimate a top section. The chernobyl disaster caused radiation which came all the way to Dover in England. Not a lot mind you but that is along way. And don't get me started on Hiroshima! This was disapointing to read and unless it is a Final Fantasy spoof and was one chapter long I mean everything I say. I'm about to read the second one but I hope you keep writing and improve greatly.

May the fish be with you.
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Nick Kang
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 9:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I failed to see any relation this had with Halo. Any.

The gun names were cheesy, the technology unrealistic, the dialogue very fake-sounding, the details devoid.

Still, you shouldn't let my criticizing discourage you...

That is all.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 9:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The chapters were short, and I have to agree with everthing that has already been said. There is no point in repeating it. (short comment for the day, for lack or words)
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 10:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*After four corndogs, a few dricks, a round of Halo: Assault on the Control Room [with a pistol combo], and some thinking time; MCC is ready to go*

Anyway, well, I decided to make a better comment, kinda exfoliate a bit. First off, you really need to use the code. It will make your story much easier to read, and it will have a nice formatted look (to find out about the code [which you should have already] visit the link at the top of the submission form, or, if you don't feel like trecking their, you can click on the top ling within my signature.
Further, try to work on your structure. Make sure you use defined paragraphs and sentenses; try to not have fragments or run-ons. Work on spelling, use a spell checker, or just write it in MS Word or Corel Word Perfect and paste it into the submission form (make sure you make good use of the preview feature). Another part of that would be flow. Read your story over and make sure it sounds alright. By the time you finish you chapter, you may have thought of some changes or add-ins. Having a friend read through before you post is a great way to help fix mistakes.
Now, on to realism. When you write a story, try to make it sound believabel; keep all the numbers in check, and make sure your details line up and are legit. Many such details can be found by reading the books, but if you really need to, just ask on of us (that's [partly] what PMs are for). Like your space ship count, 4000 and 5000 are really extreme, I'm not even sure that the whole Human fleet would add up to that; just make sure your numbers make sense, space battles can be hard to write about.
Next stop: detail. I am really big on detail in a story, as anyone that has been here for a few FF Updates can tell you. This is why I say that you need to incorporate more detail into your writing. As it has been said many times before: show, don't tell. You may know exactly what is going on; however, without a link to your brain, we [the readers] do not. Use details to describe things, and to give us all a clear picture of the whole situation. But, don't og overboard, if you use too many, things get cluttered, and can become as confusing as before; you must find your particular balance of details.

If you want to find out more of these things, look in my signature and click on the link to "helpful writing guides (at HSP)". Overall, keep writing, but you have a lot to work on and smooth out before your stories will be better.
Looks like I made up for that short comment earlier, eh?
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Black Titan
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 22, 2004 1:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

WOW MCC, YOURE COOL AND ALL, BUT IF YOU HAVE ENOUGH TIME TO POST THAT MUCH ON 1 STORY, IT MAKES ME WONDER IF U HAVE A LIFE. (NO OFFENSE, BUT DAMN THOUGH)
BUT ABOUT THE STORY, EVERYTHING NICK AND MCC SAID.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 22, 2004 10:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just learned to type fast. I stop by when I'm not busy.
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echo3kilo
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 22, 2004 1:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

huh? this whole thing was so out there I couldn't believe anything. Yes, fantasy and sci-fi are all about making stuff up, but you still have to make it believable enough that the reader doesn't become bored or skeptical(like me). A few out of there things are ok, but you don't oversaturate the story with them.
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Helljumper
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 23, 2004 1:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Glad I didn't read it

ODST
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Guardian
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 25, 2004 9:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i'm sorry, but what was that, seriously man, work on it, read what everyone else said, and work on it. The chapters were to short and bunched up, the rifle names, make them realistic. Don't use parenthesis (however the hell you spell that word). Finally work on the plot.
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