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hboff
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Guardian
BANNED
Joined: 26 Aug 2004
Posts: 831
Location: Kicked to the curb.
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Tin Can Man
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 170
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 Posted: Wed Sep 28, 2005 3:21 pm Post subject: |
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| Quote: | I apologize for the last 2 chapters not having paragraphing except for scene changes. Hope you enjoy Chapter 3 and keep interest in Alien Brethren!
PS: This Chapter may not have as much action as the last two but wait for Chapter 4, it's filled with things that go BOOM! |
Please, please don't just put action into a story just to try and make it more interesting. It makes a bit of a pig's ear of it.  |
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Pooman
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Joined: 18 Aug 2005
Posts: 86
Location: Kentucky
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| Posted: Wed Sep 28, 2005 11:29 pm Post subject: |
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| Yes, sometimes action isn't the best thing. I liked the story and am excited for more chapters. You are a talented writer. 9.6/10 |
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SYSTEM
The Hammer
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie
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| Posted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 3:17 am Post subject: |
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 - Boom, huh?
Alright, remember you're not writing a movie. Movies generally have lots of action, women in bust-baring outfits, and explosions.
I noticed the part you were doing when that poor Elite was being smacked around by those soldiers. Yup, the proverbial gallantry of the marines.
The thing is, things didn't go smoothly there. Everything was in short, simple sentences, and remember those short, simple sentences will jam up in action. Remember that in action, you want your reader to read quickly, and take in lots of detail at the same time, and for that, you'll want to use very long sentences. Generally, when I do action, I try to structure the very sentences to a rhythm.
Also, description. How does that Elite feel? We know he's feeling bad, but you're 'actoring' him. How does he feel? Does he have a family? Does he feel regret at having to die so young? Or will he be the warrior to the last? Will he die willingly in faith that his Gods will allow him a paradise after death? Ask yourself questions.
Learn to write stylistically before you can get to action. Master the basics first, they'll make you a better writer in the long run.
- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.
"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations. |
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GreekElite
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Joined: 26 Sep 2005
Posts: 64
Location: WIsconsin
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| Posted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 8:46 pm Post subject: I'm trying |
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| Hey thanks for all your feedback. I'm still a bit new to Fan Fiction guys so I apolgize for errors i have made. I will look into some of the things you said to improve on for my upcoming stories. I figured i'd might as well note that 'action' was coming in the upcoming things just to get the reader a bit excited so i regret putting that side note in and i will try improving based on your other comments. Thanks! |
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Tin Can Man
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 170
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| Posted: Mon Oct 03, 2005 8:49 pm Post subject: |
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S'alright. 
But action is a bad thing.
Done properly, it can add greatly to a story.
Anyway. you're doing pretty well. Listen to the advice, and you'll go far.
TCM |
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The Second Spartan
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Joined: 14 Sep 2005
Posts: 2
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| Posted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 1:22 am Post subject: |
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Not too shabby! I really enjoyed it.  I thought it could use some...i dunno...something...I can't find something out yet. |
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Gammamee
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Joined: 08 Sep 2005
Posts: 46
Location: The only place a man can call home...his home...
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| Posted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 7:23 pm Post subject: Code |
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| Who cares about the frickin' code anyway! I had no problem reading it, I didn't even know what the text wall and the code was when I created mine so leave the new author alone! |
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Tin Can Man
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 170
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| Posted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 7:26 pm Post subject: |
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We're not criticising him. Just trying to help him.
TCM |
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GreekElite
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Joined: 26 Sep 2005
Posts: 64
Location: WIsconsin
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| Posted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 7:35 pm Post subject: Re: Code |
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| Gammamee wrote: | | Who cares about the frickin' code anyway! I had no problem reading it, I didn't even know what the text wall and the code was when I created mine so leave the new author alone! |
Thank you for understanding!  |
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Tin Can Man
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 170
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| Posted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 7:39 pm Post subject: |
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It's true that there's too much emphasis on CODE. 
TCM |
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Gammamee
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Joined: 08 Sep 2005
Posts: 46
Location: The only place a man can call home...his home...
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| Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2005 4:57 am Post subject: Story |
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Elite, I just have to say this story was good. Visualizing great as always. But...
One more thing...
And don't take this the wrong way because I absoletely love your style and story. (Alei is awesome) and I guess we are Fanfic buds.
I thought it was very uncanny the way, Alei stood in the presense of Baxter without hurting him or his troops. In the books and in the games the Elites will go in battle, hurtling themselves in impossible odds, because they are religious martyrs and all they want is power and divinity. They will use no Human weoponry even in the odds, just because of pride. At least that is what the Arbiter in the "Special Edition Halo 2" said. He said thier weaponry exceeds ours and they will not use the weapons. I was kinda confused though because I do see Elites that get on Warthogs and shoot you, maybe Bungie mixed up or something. But I really, really like your story. Alien Brethren is a awesome story and the plot is amazing. |
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GreekElite
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Joined: 26 Sep 2005
Posts: 64
Location: WIsconsin
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| Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2005 3:12 pm Post subject: Re: Story |
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| Gammamee wrote: |
I thought it was very uncanny the way, Alei stood in the presense of Baxter without hurting him or his troops. In the books and in the games the Elites will go in battle, hurtling themselves in impossible odds, because they are religious martyrs and all they want is power and divinity. |
Yes i know where you're coming from, and I didn't like Alei holding back against Baxter and the others as well but there was reasons for this. Alei was hogtied at first, a very uncomfortable state. This gave the Marines a chance to push him around. Once they took off the restraints, he was unarmed and weak. He still was still hurting from Baxter's take down on the beach (maybe I should have aknoledged his consistant pain when Baxter had subdued him). Also, he was being used as target practice and was trying to be run over by the Marines in the warthog. The odds were against Alei, and the reason why he hadn't attacked Baxter is because he knew the other Marines were going to kill him but Baxter ceased his execution and saved him, which Alei considers life debt. Why didn't Alei use his Covenant instincts against Baxter and other Marines by stealing one of their weapons and start slaughtering? Well Alei you'll find feels out of place with the other humans, as Baxter feels out of place with the Covenant when he's around Alei's squad (later chapters). Alei is not always that cold hearted covenant alein you always think a typical Elite is, he constantly wonders about the humans and knows they'd be a good alliance. Maybe i should have explained much of his thoughts and much of this in this chapter but that was a abstract mistake I made. I hope this clarrifys things and I hope everyone's looking forward to the next chapters! KEEP READING PEOPLE! |
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Tin Can Man
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 170
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| Posted: Sat Oct 15, 2005 5:22 pm Post subject: |
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| So basically it's kind of basically an Honour and Tactics situation? Perhaps he was weighing the odds and decided that tactically he would do better not to attack. |
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