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Alien Brethren: Chapter 2: Clash Of Fates

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2005 12:16 pm    Post subject: Alien Brethren: Chapter 2: Clash Of Fates Reply with quote

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Alien Brethren: Chapter 2: Clash Of Fates
Posted by Alex L (Greek Elite) (yoshi64y@aol.com)
23 September 2005, 10:06 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Alex_L_Greek0923052206471.html
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Gammamee
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Joined: 08 Sep 2005
Posts: 46
Location: The only place a man can call home...his home...

PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 7:23 pm    Post subject: Story Reply with quote

Let me be the first one to say you DO have talent, your parents and friends were absolutely right on encouraging you. Your words however are intricate like the sword, emitted, ignited, flashed..etc... Use new words. But your style is truly visualizing, the Elites and the Marines seem to plop into your story perfectly.

-And I really like Alei, he has a potential grim that you want to more about.

My personal style is writing about Elites all my stories are based on them except for the new Grunt story I submitted just now... But back to you, you switch while the characters are interacting, Baxter and Alei fighting with each other is like the plot of Halo 2. Arbiter and Chief.

Also one more thing, the text wall is no big deal I have ABSOLUTELY no problem reading your stories. And if you change thats good too, just now you want to leave your signiture behind...

Keep it up "Greek Elite"
(Hope I got your name right)
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sdn
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 121
Location: afk

PostPosted: Wed Oct 05, 2005 11:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I found a common problem: telling writing. Lines like 'This caused the dropship to go down with a bang' should be avoided. Show us the details and let us figure it out; don't just tell us.

As an example, if you need a scene to take place in a scary setting, don't tell the reader that it's scary. Describe it thoroughly instead, and let the reader deucde if it's scary or not.
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