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Assault on Earth - Part 1

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 1:02 pm    Post subject: Assault on Earth - Part 1 Reply with quote

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Assault on Earth - Part 1
Posted by A-Rod (Anthony41988@hotmail.com)
16 September 2004, 9:46 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=a-rod.0916042146381.html
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 9:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There are reasons why there couldn't be 71 SMACs around one planet. It would just get cluttered. You should have put some around the moon or something.
Work on detail, give us a greater sense of the whole picuture. Also, make sure you keep your personalities on par. You are using the Spartans, Ackerson, Cortana, and Sergeant Johnson; so make sure they sound like themselves.

Overall, this is alright, but a lot of people try to write "Battle For Earth" fics. Make sure that yours stand apart, that it is special, that it has something that the others don't, and that it is not the same old story.
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A-Rod
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 10:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't worry. I think I have something, while not all original maybe, but somewhat different then what most people write. Hopefully anyways. I've already wrote up the 2nd and 3rd part's of this story, and once I get past the space battles I think it get's better.

I just threw the 71 MAC's because it's Earth. It should be much more well defended then any other planet, but maybe 71 was a little excessive. Thanks for the feedback.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 10:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, in your space battles, make sure to keep things realistic. Don't go overboard, make things believeable and within the bounds. If you need help, read the books and flip through parts like Signa Octanus IV, or with the Commonwealth, or the battle of Reach, or the battle near the rebel asteroid near Eridanus. Just make sure you get stuff right, you will be rewarded later.
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Fleet Admiral
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 22, 2004 2:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I believe that the 70 or so Super MAC's is a bit to much. Reach on;y had 20 of the platforms and it was one of the MOST fortified planets in the UNSC.

Good story though. It has a good pace to it. Are there going to be any space battles? If there are you should look at two series for some examples: the Homeworld series, & my series New Lunar HQ or Harvest Campaign.

My first two stories arn't as good, that was when I was starting out, so I would not use them.

I hope to see more of your work.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 22, 2004 2:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Fleet Admiral wrote:
If there are you should look at two series for some examples: the Homeworld series, & my series New Lunar HQ or Harvest Campaign.


Well, also, keep your eyes out for other good space battle stories. Go archive hunting and look at comments until you see a reference. The books are also (as I alrady mentioned) are one of the best places to get space battle material. Just be careful.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 24, 2004 7:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good job. You have an obvious talent for writing. One thing: remember that you start a new paragraph when somebody else starts to talk. You had one paragraph that had at least three people talking, and that makes your dialogue hard to follow. Your writing is good; don't hurt it with bad paragraphing.

C.T. Clown
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Pajari
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 30, 2004 1:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Eric Nylund does fantastic space battles in all of the Halo books he worked on, and Orson Scott Card did some cool stuff in Ender's Game.
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Swift'n'Painful
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 30, 2004 2:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought it was a great story overall, and can't wait for the next edition to be posted. To see how well the humans do in the battle for earth, and with 71 MAC's (lol) it shouldn't be impossible, but it may be challanging. I look forward to seeing the Spartans in battle with their new armor.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 30, 2004 2:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Too... Many... Grammatical... Errors.... *whew*

And about seventy-one Mark Five Magnetic Accelerator Cannons in orbit - you're kidding me, right?

uh... right?
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