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Halo: Alien Brethren Chapter 1

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 3:07 pm    Post subject: Halo: Alien Brethren Chapter 1 Reply with quote

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Halo: Alien Brethren Chapter 1
Posted by Alex L (Greek Elite) (yoshi64y@aol.com)
22 September 2005, 1:56 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Alex_L_Greek0922050156291.html
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Tin Can Man
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 170

PostPosted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 4:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First of all, Text Wall of Doom. Please, segment it. Perhaps more detail (known as "Meat and Potatoes.") Also, spell check it in word, (unless you don't have it,) to miss out little things like spelling 'relieve' as 'relive.' When someone new speaks, paragraph it so people know someones speaking.

Here;
Quote:
"Good to see you Master Chief,"

A marine said, saluting the tall Spartan as he snapped to attention. Sergeant Baxter, along with the other marines, was relieved to see the super soldier finish off the rest of the grunts and elites that had had them in desperate trouble down at Hotel Zanzibar.

"What's your status?" Spartan 117 asked.

"We've got two wounded, the rest of us are operational. There's a couple of enemy contacts up ahead, through that hallway. But when we heard you were on your way we decided to wait," Baxter answered.

"You," The Master Chief said, referring to Baxter, "will stay here and watch over the wounded. Everyone else is coming with me."

"Understood sir," Baxter said, nodding briskly as the Spartan headed out with his battle rifle cradled in his arms.

The other marines tailed behind with their shotguns, SMG's, and a few battle rifles held tightly in their arms. Sergeant John Baxter watched them head into the dark hallway beyond, wishing them luck, then readied his Sniper Rifle.

He watched the area diligently listening to the human and Covenant weapons fire. He chuckled as he heard the occasional sound of "WORT WORT WORT!" of cocky Elites or the squeaky voices of various Grunts.

The distant noises of phantoms, warthogs, and ghosts could barely be heard on the other side of the hotel. Things so far were mildly boring and quiet where Baxter stood.
"Ugh, I'm thirsty," moaned a marine whom had taken a series of Needler fire down the leg, the explosive ammunition tearing his legs to shreds.

Baxter looked over to his right and saw a broken down vending machine. Using the butt of his sniper rifle he began to hammer the vending machine., Picking up the round cans, he threw one to each of the wounded marines, then drank one himself. Watching over Hotel Zanzibar, keeping watch with a sniper rifle, and drinking a Cola.
"Yep, nothing gets better then this," Baxter said.


See? While I probably haven't picked up on everything, it makes it easier to read, and makes the dialogue more distinguishable.

A had a little problem with this sentence;

Quote:
Baxter said half relaxed half annoyed.


Totally unneeded, adding something of no use which just affects the flow. Also, the author note just detracted from the story. Wait for the real critics (MCC, Azrael) to come, because they will tell you every problem.

They may nitpick, but don't think they're unfair. Because when it comes out, you won't believe it.
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Pooman
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Joined: 18 Aug 2005
Posts: 86
Location: Kentucky

PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2005 8:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked the story. I thought it was intresting, at times it was hard to read. Overall great story and I'll be looking for you in the future! 9.4/10
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GreekElite
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Joined: 26 Sep 2005
Posts: 64
Location: WIsconsin

PostPosted: Mon Sep 26, 2005 11:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey thanks for the feedback. I have done some paragraphing and editing on my last two chapters (2 & 3) so it is an improvement. It was my first send out guys so try to bear with me. Hopefully you like the story line so far which gets deeper and kind of follows the Halo 2 plot on the outside or near where you go in the game. At a certain point however i will have to improvise after Halo 2 which should get interesting. So I hope you stay tuned and look forward to more feedback!
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Gammamee
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Joined: 08 Sep 2005
Posts: 46
Location: The only place a man can call home...his home...

PostPosted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 1:16 pm    Post subject: Story Reply with quote

Wow, I am impressed and I thought I was good at visualizing...

I was truly astoinished at your style I seriously felt in the story...

So...

Keep writing chapters and I look forward to reading...
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sdn
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 121
Location: afk

PostPosted: Tue Oct 04, 2005 6:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think this is a particularly good example of what many people feel they have to do. They like to cram as much detail as possib;e into one sentence, and end up with a bnunch of meaningless adjectives that trip up the flow and make it sound a little awkward. There's plenty of room for real description; you can and should go deeper than one-word appositives. Slow down. There isn't a limit to how many sentences you can have. There's room.
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