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Part 1: The Lay of the Land

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 3:07 pm    Post subject: Part 1: The Lay of the Land Reply with quote

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Part 1: The Lay of the Land
Posted by Wart
20 September 2005, 1:50 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Wart0920050150431.html
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Tin Can Man
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 24, 2005 7:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A good start.

Remember to put new speakers in a different paragraph e.g.

Quote:
'Hello,' he said.

'Hello,' I said.


Sometimes your characters didn't seem very Covenant-y.

Quote:
"Alright! This is it! Were being dropped via Phantoms into the forest section of the sacred Ring. If anyone finds any heavy resistance, fall back and call for help. I don't want to have this ring fall victim to the Humans this time. Right now we haven't notified the Prophets about the discovery of this ring because our communications and navigation control have been knocked out. All we can do is dock on this ring and hope the Oracle will help us. We have been getting readings of Human resistance on this ring. The Unggoy will not be accompanying us on this mission. The only things they do are sleep and get killed. Anyway, you will be dropped in squads. 7 to a group. 1 sniper, 1 commander, 5 others- 2 major, 3 minor. Good luck.


Sounds a bit human. ( Also, forgot a speech mark/ Smile )

Perhaps it should've sounded like this.

Quote:
Prepare yourselfs! Our Phantoms will be dropping us in a forest section of the Sacred Ring. If any of you find any heavy resistance, retreat and call for backup. We will not let this ring fall prey to the Human Filth! Our Noble Heirarchs have not been informed of this miraculous discovery because our communications and navigational controls have been disabled. Our best hope is to dock on this ring and pray to the Gods that the Oracle will help us. There have been readings suggesting Human Activity on this Ring. The Unggoy will not be accompanying us on this mission. The only things they do are sleep and get killed, the cowardly runts. You will be dropped in groups of seven. One sniper, one commander, two majors and three minors. Good Luck, and may the Gods look warmly upon you."


Perhaps not the most Covenant sounding dialogue, but close enough. Also, remember to spell out those numbers, so instead of 7, it would be seven. Looks nicer. Smile

Anyway, you've made a good start. Remember to use the CODE, and good luck.
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