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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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thedarkfire
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Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 1045
Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!
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 Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2005 1:29 pm Post subject: |
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Is this...another installment already!?
Review in a couple of hours. |
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HawkEye
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Joined: 14 Sep 2005
Posts: 10
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| Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2005 7:52 pm Post subject: |
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This part of a series? i should read the others if it is.
OK, well dude, you got a good style there. Fast-paced, full of action, detailed and immersive. Very good. Only one problem i'd like to discuss:
| Quote: | | "All right, let's get out of here!" Becker yelled as he shoved the throttle forward and commanded his Longsword into a steep climb when he saw that a pulse laser turret right in front of him had fired. |
that doesn't seem to flow much to me. I think it would be better like this:
| Quote: | | "All right, let's get out of here!" Becker yelled, shoving the throttle forward and commanding his Longsword into a steep climb. He realised - a split second later - that a pulse laser turret right in front of him had fired. |
D'ya see what i mean? if not, no worries.
Keep up the good work. |
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thedarkfire
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Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 1045
Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!
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| Posted: Mon Sep 19, 2005 7:56 pm Post subject: |
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OK first off. It was too short. I ran to my dorm drooling only to find that it was a mere appitiser for one bitchin' main course. Consider my appetite whet.
| Quote: | A pulse laser shot from the side nailed the rear-right part of his Longsword, destroying his number two Pulse Detonation Engine, and nearly lit off a few off Becker's missiles in the process. The hit spun the Longsword like a top on its X-axis, flipping it over, and sending it straight towards the cruiser. The Lieutenant saw Becker eject, saw the smoke as he seat shot away from his damaged fighter. Unbelievably, he didn't hit the shields on his way up. The Colonel continued to fly away from the cruiser and towards his death in the vacuum of space.
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Only two mistakes I saw were in this paragraph. Can't catch em' all can ya? It's just the nature of humans.
Now I was suprised that you didn't expand on the whole God concept from the last chapter. I saw some serious potential there for the follow up.
Your keeping me intruiged with this bold business. *squints eyes* what are you up to sir?
Anyway, great all around and I hope to see this series more frequently. |
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.
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| Posted: Tue Sep 20, 2005 1:00 am Post subject: |
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Maybe I'm limiting my imagination, but how does a Shiva punch a thirty foot hole in the side of a Covenant launch bay and continue on into the ship? New missile designed for high penetration? I'm not sure, but I sure haven't seen it do that before. You might have to fill me in a bit.
Wow. That was pretty dang short. Yes, the ending, clipped off like that, proved to be a bit impacting. But all this seemed to be was a few seconds out of this guy's fight, split and filled with a flashback. Flashbacks are not bad things, but so as to create such a brief story... eh, well, you know I like length.
Good stuff. Nothing really stood out to me in being incorrect, but, honestly, this time I was not looking all that hard. It's a lot more fun to just read. If something is bad enough to catch my eye, it warrents me pointing it out. That didn't happen--at least I don't think so  .
_________________
-MCC |
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Giggles the Grunt
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Joined: 04 Sep 2005
Posts: 41
Location: In a Methane rich paradise.
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| Posted: Tue Sep 20, 2005 2:52 am Post subject: |
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Thats good that its in a space battle than on the ground.
I only found one mistake. |
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Sterfrye36
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 419
Location: The Good Old US of A!
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| Posted: Tue Sep 20, 2005 4:06 am Post subject: |
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| thedarkfire wrote: | OK first off. It was too short. I ran to my dorm drooling only to find that it was a mere appitiser for one bitchin' main course. Consider my appetite whet.
Now I was suprised that you didn't expand on the whole God concept from the last chapter. I saw some serious potential there for the follow up.
Your keeping me intruiged with this bold business. *squints eyes* what are you up to sir?
Anyway, great all around and I hope to see this series more frequently. |
I will expand the concept, don't worry. I just wanted to fire off another part.
As for the bold...you'll see....eventually...
To MCC: Momentum, buddy.  No, it wasn't designed to punch through bulkheads, but it was on a timer, which I don't think I wrote down. Becker was supposed to launch it, reboard the Maverick, then they slipspaced out while it exploded.
The missiles in this story that are designed to punch a hole are called ASM-54 Copperheads. A very cool name, if I do say so myself.
By the way, you can consider a pretty darn big plot twist in the next few chapters. I won't tell you what it is, but I will say this: It has to do with the past, and not in the sense of Marcus's past, nor the squadron's. Prepare for something out of left field. 
_________________
FFPotW Winner Total: 2 (Longsword R: Midway 8/8/08 ) (The Letter 11/14/08 )
"I...have...power issues." -Phae |
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Tin Can Man
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 170
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| Posted: Tue Sep 20, 2005 3:23 pm Post subject: |
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| No, you did say it was on a timer |
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thedarkfire
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Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 1045
Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!
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| Posted: Tue Sep 20, 2005 4:33 pm Post subject: |
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| Stupid left field |
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mplacki
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Joined: 19 Jul 2005
Posts: 50
Location: Ann Arbor, MI
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| Posted: Wed Sep 21, 2005 6:08 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, wow, wow.
I just took the entire series home to read yesterday. The first chapter kind of threw me, but from there on it just took off. Nice plot going there, and plenty of mysteries that are keeping me interested.
Just one thing that I didn't quite understand:
| Quote: | "That's the one?"
"Yes, that's him. Retrieve him."
"Roger, moving into EVA retrieval position. I have the controls." |
Is that something Marcus remembers, or is that just something that happened that he wasn't aware of? I'm assuming that signifies that Becker was indeed picked up (and so it makes sense that he would be alive)... right?  |
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SYSTEM
The Hammer
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie
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| Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2005 1:22 am Post subject: |
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Wow, I love the beginning. The guy got boxed in in a dogfight and got fried, huh? Fiery death.
Loving named? Do you mean Lovingly Named?
One thing I really liked is the idea that the guy's now flying on instinct: that's one thing I thought was pretty cool: he's abandoned all his training and everything and is now taking both hands off the wheel. That paragraph grabbed me pretty well. Loved that idea, hats off to you on that!
The only thing is, I thought that the ending was pretty sad. I love how he launched, but it was a pity the guy had to die. Well, I'm sure he'll be remembered. Or at least get a footnote in Earth's history. Hah, he pulled a 'James.'
But another thing I really like is those short, cut-off sentences at the ends of paragraphs just when things are looking up. "And his luck failed him." "He turned... And screamed." Like that.
Hanging-on-the-edge-of-your-seat action, cutting edge. Looks like nothing but pure, 100% Sterfrye36 to me.
- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.
"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations. |
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Sterfrye36
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 419
Location: The Good Old US of A!
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| Posted: Mon Sep 26, 2005 10:44 pm Post subject: |
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| Dave Luck wrote: | Wow, I love the beginning. The guy got boxed in in a dogfight and got fried, huh? Fiery death.
Loving named? Do you mean Lovingly Named? |
Yes, unfortunately. *Smacks head against desk*.
| Dave Luck Also wrote: |
The only thing is, I thought that the ending was pretty sad. I love how he launched, but it was a pity the guy had to die. Well, I'm sure he'll be remembered. Or at least get a footnote in Earth's history. Hah, he pulled a 'James.'
But another thing I really like is those short, cut-off sentences at the ends of paragraphs just when things are looking up. "And his luck failed him." "He turned... And screamed." Like that. |
What part of:
[indent]“That’s the one?”
[indent]“Yes, that’s him. Retrieve him.”
[indent]“Roger, moving into EVA retrieval position. I have the controls.”
Didn't you understand?
| Dave Luck wrote: |
Hanging-on-the-edge-of-your-seat action, cutting edge. Looks like nothing but pure, 100% Sterfrye36 to me.
- Dave. |
You know it. 
_________________
FFPotW Winner Total: 2 (Longsword R: Midway 8/8/08 ) (The Letter 11/14/08 )
"I...have...power issues." -Phae |
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mplacki
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Joined: 19 Jul 2005
Posts: 50
Location: Ann Arbor, MI
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| Posted: Wed Sep 28, 2005 12:54 pm Post subject: |
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| Sterfrye36 wrote: | What part of:
“That’s the one?”
“Yes, that’s him. Retrieve him.”
“Roger, moving into EVA retrieval position. I have the controls.”
Didn't you understand?
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| mplacki wrote: |
Is that something Marcus remembers, or is that just something that happened that he wasn't aware of? I'm assuming that signifies that Becker was indeed picked up (and so it makes sense that he would be alive)... right? |
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Sterfrye36
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 419
Location: The Good Old US of A!
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| Posted: Wed Sep 28, 2005 11:39 pm Post subject: |
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I was talking to Dave, actually.
_________________
FFPotW Winner Total: 2 (Longsword R: Midway 8/8/08 ) (The Letter 11/14/08 )
"I...have...power issues." -Phae |
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mplacki
Member
Joined: 19 Jul 2005
Posts: 50
Location: Ann Arbor, MI
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| Posted: Thu Sep 29, 2005 1:08 pm Post subject: |
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| Ah, nevermind then. But you still didn't answer my question. |
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