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CTF at Zanzibar, Part 1

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PostPosted: Mon Sep 19, 2005 10:39 am    Post subject: CTF at Zanzibar, Part 1 Reply with quote

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CTF at Zanzibar, Part 1
Posted by The Meep (
17 September 2005, 3:01 am
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Mr. GotBeans

Joined: 07 Jan 2005
Posts: 48
Location: At IHOP staring at the lady that is 350 pounds more than you'll ever weigh.

PostPosted: Mon Sep 19, 2005 11:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it. Lots of action, but you told us. Show us. Instead of saying that Erau (Elite) got thrown into the rock, say something like "Eraus limp body was hurled through the air like a rag doll. It slammed into the wall with a terrible crack that could be heard from the sandy beach on the other side of the wall." Something like that. MCC, SYSTEM, mainevent, and Russ (is he still around) should take care of everything else. This could turn out really good.
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Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 1045
Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!

PostPosted: Tue Sep 20, 2005 12:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's one doozy of a first paragraph ya got there, and it all wet by way too quickly.

Questions you could have answered in that 1st paragraph.

1: Why are they playing CTF in the first place
2: Where'd that Elite come from.
3: (not a question) Explain more about the battle.

Each one of those could have been a paragraph; the third being 3-4. Consequently, that paragraph went entirely too fast.

You definatly picked it up in the parts afterwards though. Dialouge was smooth and the inner thoughts sounded natural.

Overall, I think you did a pretty good job. Just keep working
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Mr. 1337

Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Tue Sep 20, 2005 1:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh. Oh boy. That name... instantly reminded me of Road Runner. Sorry, but I had to point that out.


Yep. The first thing I noticed was the formatting. No Code, and not very good paragraphing. You would be wise to fix that. Getting well organized paragraphs and then formatting them to look and read well is a very important element of writing a story. If the piece does not look good, it most likely will not read well, and that means that the reader will not get as much as they could out of it.

Now, by formatting, I mean setting your paragraphs out (after you have formed your text into those paragraphs, that is) in a uniform manner, using indents and breaks when needed. Heck, to see what I am talking about, read a good book or check out the better stuff here at HBOFF. It's a basic thing, and while I can accept your present ignorance of the matter, it would do your work well to see formatting applied.

Spell out your numbers.

I agree that you did some telling. I can write "Joe walked down the street. He saw three men beating a homeless man in an alley as he passed, but continued on." Or, I could write:

"Joe paused as the sound of metal-striking-flesh filled his ears, coming from a small alley just a few steps further down the sidewalk. Peering around the corner, he was just in time to see a man--on the ground, trying to protect his face with his cloth-wrapped hands--impacted in the fore-arm with a length of steel pipe. Even from the distance where he observed, the crack of bone was audible, but louder was the scream of the hapless victim.
Leaning further, two more assaulters became visible, one with a wooden bat, and the other with a board for a weapon. The beaten-down man--looking to be homeless, by his dirtied and ratty attire--had no defensive object, and now only one arm to shield his face from the blows.
Joe's immidiate instinct was to say something... but not here. If he were to even step around the corner and set eyes with too much interest upon the thugs mercilessly beating, for whatever reason, the homeless man, he, too, would be pulled aside and... no, he could not say anything. And so, averting his eyes and leaning in the opposite direction, he quickly rushed past the allyway, pushing the image of broken bones and spilt blood to the back of his mind."

See that? Three paragraphs compared to two sentenses.

Overall, this was okay. Just listen to the comments and strive to improve. And don't let us freak you out with all this stuff we have to say. We've had a lot of practice, and can get carried away. Good luck. Hope to see you back.
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Joined: 26 May 2005
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Location: Greenville, South Carolina

PostPosted: Tue Sep 20, 2005 2:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Some of what I say may have already been covered as I only just skimmed through the other's posts.

Title-Well, it tells us what it is and that frightened me at first. I thought "oh no, not another multiplayer match just told to us like it would be played." You did well on that account, as you made it seem a bit more realistic, and less like of a game. The bad thing about the title is that it was way too stock. That is, it's just a description. It doesn't do anything to whet my appetite or allude to something or symbolize anything.

Detail-It was lacking. As Mr.GotBeans said, you need to show us and not tell us. I want to see what's happening, not just read about it. Detail does not just extend to 'scenery' or 'events'. The character setup you have makes it very possible for you to go into detail about the group, their relationships, how the met, and the list goes on.

Emotions-I personally deal very little with action; most of my stories centering ultimately around the characters. You may not be like this, and most people aren't; it's okay. If you like writing action then write action, but try to sneak something in their to make us care about the characters. Without that, there's no real point in reading the story. You did expand several of the characters in the simple way of disagreeaments. That's always a good place to start.

Code-I'm certain that MC went over this, so I'll just say click on the link in my signature if you are still unsure about what it is and how to use it.

Writing-Overall it wasn't very bad. You've definetely got potential. The flow was affected by the speed at which events passed. The dialogue seemed to go by a little fast, but was okay.

Okay, so here's the good news. You will get better if you keep trying. I was awful when I came here. I've got tons better since then. Pay attention to what everyone says, and don't be scared away by our comments.

If you need any help PM me or MC or any of the other regulars. Check out the writing guide sections, read some of Chuckle's works. Trust me, they'll benefit you. And this I can't stress enough PROOFREAD your story to death. Once you think your done, proofread it again. Trust me, it will improve you work's quality by leaps and bounds.

Welcome to HBO-FF, and have fun. That's ultimately what this is about.
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