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Long Time Gone Part 16

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 16, 2004 5:16 pm    Post subject: Long Time Gone Part 16 Reply with quote

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Long Time Gone Part 16
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
14 September 2004, 11:00 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.09140411004216.html
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 16, 2004 9:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Could have used more detail in places. And I noticed that you got real repeditive in other spots. Other parts of the story just flew by, went ot fast.
One other complaint was the way you made you main characters sound. Sure, they can have a little childish actions and such, but I think you might toan it down a bit. Something about how they act just doesn't sound right.

Overall, a fair story. It was missing a few things; and you need to keep an eye out for grammar. Keep working.
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