HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Long Time Gone Part 16
Posted by grylsy (grylsy@hotmail.com)
14 September 2004, 11:00 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=grylsy.09140411004216.html

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Could have used more detail in places. And I noticed that you got real repeditive in other spots. Other parts of the story just flew by, went ot fast.
One other complaint was the way you made you main characters sound. Sure, they can have a little childish actions and such, but I think you might toan it down a bit. Something about how they act just doesn't sound right.

Overall, a fair story. It was missing a few things; and you need to keep an eye out for grammar. Keep working.
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-MCC