HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

This topic is for posting comments to:

The Best Marines: Special Operations
Posted by Cberbar 117 (barbersmhs@sbcglobal.net)
11 September 2005, 1:18 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Cberbar_1170911050118501.html

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Formatting was the first thing I saw that could have been improved. All of your text--though broken up into paragraphs--was all lined up along the left-hand side of the page, not broken up.

To break things up, you should use indents. To get those indents, just click the link in my Signature and check out the Code. That will not only allow you to include indents into your writing here, but intalics, bold, underline, and horizontal rules--all important tools.

Also, if you feel so inclined, you can include breaks between each paragraph, but that is up to you, and more of an element of style and personal preferance than anything else.

Giggles the Grunt · Posted: Mon Sep 12, 2005 11:36 pm Post subject:

That was pretty good. Very Happy

sdn · Member Joined: 15 Jul 2005 Posts: 121 Location: afk

I haven't read your story yet, but I want to comment on the inferences I can draw from your title. If I didn't get the right impression, it's most definitely something you should think about.

You're writing about uber-special forces - the 1337est of the 1337, who go in and take down a whole Covenant army with a couple of rolls of masking tape and only a can of tuna between them - and it has to last a week. Each one of them is, of course, a clone of Rambo, except twice as strong. Had Rambo had gadgets such as the ones they have in their ultra-super combat suits, he could have taken the whole Eastern Bloc by himself.

It's been done. I don't mean to sound condescending, but that's just how it is. I don't want to hear about more leet Marines. I want to hear about real Marines or real civilians or Covies or whoever else you want to write about. You won't make them, or your story, stand out by making them ten times as super as the previous author. You'll make them stand out by being believable. I can't stress enough how important it is for stories to have more depth than just, "Sergeant Peters grabs the sniper rifle, modified to hold 10^400 rounds of massively uber-cooltastic ammunition and yells, 'SITREP OKGUYSLETSGETEM!!!!!!!!!!!' and snipes 10,000 Elites in the head all at once."

Master Chief Spartan- 117 · Posted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 2:48 am Post subject:

I agree with MCC

P.S. MCC, did you get my message

Mainevent · Posted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 2:57 am Post subject:

I guess technically, all high explosive bombs are building crusher bombs. I mean I don't know about you, but a well placed cruise missile can do the job of an entire platoon of demolitions experts can without the loss of life.

Alpha · Posted: Wed Sep 14, 2005 12:54 pm Post subject:

i agree with the other guys, some of the terms WERE a little corny ("building crusher bomb" especially) and if the dude can withstand plasma to the chest, a hunter bitch slappin him, and being right next to the "building crusher bomb" as it did its dirty deed...damn hes a GOD! and hes doing it all without the advantage of shielding, wow...mad skill yo. In my opinion just make the guy more human and it will be a great story...other then the things i just listed, pretty good writing and it kept me pretty interested. Dont let criticism make you stop writing (i think i get a lot more and hell i keep writing lol...prolly cause im too burnt on mountain dew), use it and make the next episode even better, good luck man.