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The Best Marines: Special Operations

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 12, 2005 4:31 pm    Post subject: The Best Marines: Special Operations Reply with quote

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The Best Marines: Special Operations
Posted by Cberbar 117 (barbersmhs@sbcglobal.net)
11 September 2005, 1:18 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Cberbar_1170911050118501.html
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 12, 2005 9:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Formatting was the first thing I saw that could have been improved. All of your text--though broken up into paragraphs--was all lined up along the left-hand side of the page, not broken up.

To break things up, you should use indents. To get those indents, just click the link in my Signature and check out the Code. That will not only allow you to include indents into your writing here, but intalics, bold, underline, and horizontal rules--all important tools.

Also, if you feel so inclined, you can include breaks between each paragraph, but that is up to you, and more of an element of style and personal preferance than anything else.


Quote:
Jones grabbed some ammo for his sniper and pistol...


What is a "sniper" in this context? I know what you meant, that was a rhetorical question. What I mean by asking is that you need to add on to that. Don't just write "sniper" (you may use this lingo over 'Live or just plain MultiPlayer), write sniper rifle, defining what is being used to snipe. It may seem a silly and stupid thing to do, but you should do so.

Quote:
...this tactical building crusher bomb.


To be perfectly honest, that sounds a bit corny. A "Building Crusher" bomb? No. For one, there would most likely not be a bomb perfectly designed to take down a building. That is what demo-experts are for: To decide where to place their explosives to best take down what they are told to. That is probably how your team would have been told to do things--go in, plant some C-12, and get out, blowing the building to hell.

Quote:
A hot plasma bolt hit me, burning through my armor and stinging my skin.


Plasma would not "sting" a person's skin, it would burn into it. Plasma is not just some blue or green thing that you see flying at you in the games, it is super-heated-ionized-gas: something that is very, very, very hot (the sun is made of plasma) and will burn very badly. It could have been mostly disapated by his armor, but it would have left a nasty burn, also. Not just have stung.

Quote:
It's fuel rod cannon charged and a large green blast flew past us, missing by an inch.


Well, if it missed them by that small of a margin, they would have sure felt it. That blob of radio-active energy is not just contained within itself, it is gonna be dissapating heat into the air around it as it moves, probably shunting out some heat up to and beyond a meter or two away as it goes. It's not just a projectile (especially not the Halo 2 Hunter's shot). So watch that; have them feel the singing heat blister their skin. That's called realism.


Right... a normal Human would never survive a direct melee hit from a Hunter. It's not gonna happen. Those hits take down most of your shields as a Spartan. It would break half the bones in a normal (and relatively unprotected) human body. That's another element of realism, and it is getting close to invinsible Marines--don't have those.


Well, the Covenant almost never take prisoners. And when they do, it is almost always a high ranking soldier. Especially on such a battle-field. I won't go on, because the story went no further, but do have a good reason for such an occurance.



Overall, this was okay. It could have been improved quite a bit, but you are off to a decent start. Just listen to the advice you are given, and work hard to improve. Good luck; and have fun writing.
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Giggles the Grunt
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 12, 2005 11:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was pretty good. Very Happy
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sdn
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 12:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I haven't read your story yet, but I want to comment on the inferences I can draw from your title. If I didn't get the right impression, it's most definitely something you should think about.

You're writing about uber-special forces - the 1337est of the 1337, who go in and take down a whole Covenant army with a couple of rolls of masking tape and only a can of tuna between them - and it has to last a week. Each one of them is, of course, a clone of Rambo, except twice as strong. Had Rambo had gadgets such as the ones they have in their ultra-super combat suits, he could have taken the whole Eastern Bloc by himself.

It's been done. I don't mean to sound condescending, but that's just how it is. I don't want to hear about more leet Marines. I want to hear about real Marines or real civilians or Covies or whoever else you want to write about. You won't make them, or your story, stand out by making them ten times as super as the previous author. You'll make them stand out by being believable. I can't stress enough how important it is for stories to have more depth than just, "Sergeant Peters grabs the sniper rifle, modified to hold 10^400 rounds of massively uber-cooltastic ammunition and yells, 'SITREP OKGUYSLETSGETEM!!!!!!!!!!!' and snipes 10,000 Elites in the head all at once."
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Master Chief Spartan- 117
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 2:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I agree with MCC

P.S. MCC, did you get my message
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 13, 2005 2:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I guess technically, all high explosive bombs are building crusher bombs. I mean I don't know about you, but a well placed cruise missile can do the job of an entire platoon of demolitions experts can without the loss of life.
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Alpha
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 14, 2005 12:54 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i agree with the other guys, some of the terms WERE a little corny ("building crusher bomb" especially) and if the dude can withstand plasma to the chest, a hunter bitch slappin him, and being right next to the "building crusher bomb" as it did its dirty deed...damn hes a GOD! and hes doing it all without the advantage of shielding, wow...mad skill yo. In my opinion just make the guy more human and it will be a great story...other then the things i just listed, pretty good writing and it kept me pretty interested. Dont let criticism make you stop writing (i think i get a lot more and hell i keep writing lol...prolly cause im too burnt on mountain dew), use it and make the next episode even better, good luck man.
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