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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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Joined: 11 Oct 2004
Posts: 1073
Location: In the tower above the earth
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 Posted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 7:37 am Post subject: |
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Ok, for a new guy I like your style and setting out, it would help though if you used [indent] tags say, to make it look more professional, also you an add Bold tags for Time/Date Stamps ([b ], [/b ] without the spaces). Firstly you seem to know what your talking about but Spartan 68 would be written Spartan-068, just because I'm picky and follow the books to the letter  . Plague, I like it, great name, Brute, maybe something more original, however it was effective in the least. Avoid brackets, sorry, I just hate them and there are far better ways to give the responder information.
| Quote: | | He had two theories about combat. One was that you could kill anything if your blast radius was big enough. The second was that if you fired enough bullets simultaneously, you're bound to hit your target. The shotgun met the second theory perfectly. |
Ha, sounds Patton-y, I'm sure you'd know who that is.
You used the term 'waited impatiantly' twice, it takes away from the story when you re-use discriptions, watch that. Covenant should always be capitalised, its a proper noun.
| Quote: | | We've got to destroy the engines, and crash it on the nearby planet, Jericho III. Right now, that planet is blocking this one from their sensors. We've got to get there and crash it before it finds Jericho VII." |
Now if that planet has its sensor blocking Jericho VII you should give us a reason, Why would one planet lower its defences and leave itself open to an attac kto save another planet, why? details my friend, that is what a story lives on. And the plan seems a bit....big headed, its not very plausible, sorry.
| Quote: | | "Alright then guys," said Wrench heading for the cockpit, "hop in and we'll be there in no time." |
Didn't exactly strike me as very Spartan-esque talking, maybe its just that I'm used to John's no-nonsence attitude and can't imagine a Spartan sounding even remotely human, oh well, I liked this story and want to see where you take it, feel free to hit the PM button below my name if you need anything, good luck and good writing. |
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Bronzemage
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Joined: 30 Dec 2004
Posts: 100
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| Posted: Sat Sep 10, 2005 12:00 pm Post subject: |
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That was written quite well, I thought.
Only thing is, you made certain parts of that sound like an encyclopedia. I'm not saying that's bad, nessecarily, but it really distracts you from the story when you hear: "Then he picked up the so-and-so, which fired 8.2345mm rounds and was an effective tool for such-and-such".
Most people here know Halo well enough to recognise the weapons if you simply said "he picked up the MA5B", without all the other jargon that goes with it.
As far as the Spartans go, you showed them well, except for that bit which CDW described. Spartans are all military precision. That means no humour, no slang talk, and nothing else we'd class as "casual". |
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