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Longsword R: Desperation, Part Six

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 11:16 am    Post subject: Longsword R: Desperation, Part Six Reply with quote

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Longsword R: Desperation, Part Six
Posted by Sterfrye36 (Sterfrye36@yahoo.com)
5 September 2005, 4:12 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Sterfrye360905050412331.html
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 4:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good to see a new update of this. I love space fighters, and wish they'd show more of them in the games/movies.

I saw one code slip up when you were doing the Bunker Hill, you had [I[Bun....

Other than that I saw nothing major, at most it was small GPS stuff.

That boy got lucky as hell; loved the ending. Great work Ster, just get it out faster!
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 10:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very good, very good. It's good to see you back Ster. I have been needing a good space fighter fic as of late and here it is. I didn't read it too carefully due to lack of sleep but it was good none the less.

Well keep it up and glad to see something new from you.

Caleb
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'Nosolee
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 11:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hot damn.

It's been...so long since I've seen a desperation piece, lol.

I'd better refresh myself.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 5:38 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

About frakkin time mate. It's been forever since I kicked you into action to get this back going.

I'll read this after classes tomarrow, promise
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 11:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ma ma ma ma ma, you posted another instalment, thank god!

I've waited too long for this, thankyou.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 7:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mayaaaaaaan...

I've been waiting for this series to continue, and I've waited too long to write this out too.

There's one thing about Ster that nobody can seem to duplicate. It's not the quick, punchy sentences that leave a reader guessing, or the air of tension and strain that makes you feel like your spine's about to crack, or the heart-stopping suspense that keeps the reader scrolling, it's the way everything's tied up into one massive synergetic package of a space battle. I love that.

The Locator caps get'cha again, but never mind that there.

I noticed a missed period in the opening sentence. Aw, well, never mind.

Keep them comin'!

- Dave.
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Sterfrye36
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 11:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Stupid spell check!!! Embarassed Laughing
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 4:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

(I'm posting this without reading the other comments so bear with me if I repeat things)

Quote:
Ten seconds. That was when Captain Reeves glanced out of the bridge and past the holo tank
Ten seconds. When he thought back on it later, it had seemed as if time had stood still for a few moments. In his mind's eye, he could see everything in minute detail: the timer on the holo tank, the way Lieutenant Hayes's blonde hair seemed to hang in mid-air as she turned to enter some instructions into her console, the exact formation of the Covenant ships as they charged towards the Maverick like a herd of mad elephants.
Ten seconds. Reeves didn't know it at the time, but those ten seconds were going to change his life in a way that he would never have even imagined was possible.
Ten seconds. When he glanced out of the bridge, all hell broke loose.


So your telling me that he thought of that instantly. Says a lot about the kind of captain he is.
Quote:
[i[Bunker Hill, Admiral Hood's flagship.


Whoops

Quote:
There was nowhere for the Bunker Hill to run. It was locked into the formation, another UNSC ship on every side. Activating the fore emergency boosters would only delay the inevitable as the Covenant destroyer was moving too fast, and was too close for the cruiser to slip by. They couldn't fire a nuke for fear of damaging the other allied ships in the area, and there was no way to make a slipspace jump from a standstill.


Other ships couldn't fire? I guess it was good for dramatic effect.

Quote:
he was trying to strangle it.


Needs a different verb. You used "strangle" once too much. I know it was twice, but that's just how it is. Cool

Quote:
It's all just a comforting illusion."


You think so too?


I must say mate, that ending really got me. A well-placed life-flashing-before-eyes scene really put into place Marcus' feeling without even saying what they were.

Well done all around buddy. Get them out faster though so I can follow this easier. Wink

P.S I didn't get too read it when I said I would cause my internet at the dorm is wacky so I had to wait until I got home. Sorry for the D-lay.

Edit: Seems I didn't repeat anything. Wink


Last edited by thedarkfire on Sun Sep 11, 2005 8:00 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Sterfrye36
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 10, 2005 4:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

No, Darkfire, I don't actually believe it's an illusion; I was baptized last year. I'm merely adding depth to Marcus and James. And, to answer your question, the other ships were locked so tightly infot the formation that they couldn't rotate to fire on the Covies.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 10, 2005 7:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
Its triple MACs fired again, sending their last round into the void.


Oops. Looks like you forgot the plural nature of in the word "round." Its a small mistake, but it messed up the flow for me. Little errors will do that to you.


Loved the ending there. Really good use of flashbacks. I liked that. And I like the other element you threw in there. Ins't the fact that it is not an illusion comforting?


Overall, this was good stuff. I would like if you got them out faster; however, don't rush yourself--take as much time as you like. Short of time, I don't think I went over this quite as thoroughly as usual, but I'm sure you don't mind Wink . Keep it up.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 11, 2005 8:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
No, Darkfire, I don't actually believe it's an illusion;


Oh. nevermind then. I guess I agree with Marcus, not you.
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Sterfrye36
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PostPosted: Sun Sep 11, 2005 8:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wink Yeah, I guess you do.
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