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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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Giggles the Grunt
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Joined: 04 Sep 2005
Posts: 41
Location: In a Methane rich paradise.
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 Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 1:41 am Post subject: |
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| I didnt read this but this is too longe. |
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Mainevent
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 796
Location: Mobel, Abalama
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 2:55 am Post subject: |
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I will have to agree that this story was pretty long. For some that may not be a problem, but for others it can be. In the future I would suggest that you break anything this size in half and submit them at different intervals. That does two things: It allows you to make modifications should someone point something out in the chapter before, and it will entice more readers to sit and browse.
Your opening section was okay, but I would suggest saying something about them getting into a warthog earlier. I really didn't know what they were getting in (I did, but not from the story) until the end of that section.
There are some tense changes here you need to watch out for.
| Quote: | | They felt like my last to them. |
This sentence is what I'd consider poorly constructed. It doesn't add to the sentence before it. I know you mean words, but next time try something more like "I said, hoping they weren't the last orders I ever gave my team."
| Quote: | | What I saw, I couldn't believe. There I was, on the second floor of this cavernous room. I saw across the room on the first floor, a covenant weapons cache. I was about to go down there and take a look around, until I realized there was no one here guarding the supplies. I walked very silently to the edge of the platform and stood there, silently, listening. |
The bane of first person writing- I. Ix7 in this paragraph alone. It's hard, and takes more effort, but there are ways to change this so that there are less "I's" and more description (my second gripe about this area). The description here shows nothing. Walk in, weapons cache, nobody around, look at cache.
[quote=Try]As I carefully snuck across the dusty dirt that comprised the second floor of this massive cave my eyes locked onto the glistening purple crates of a Covenant weapons cache. Where are the guards? my mind wondered curiously, surely the bastards wouldn't have left all this unprotected The air was cool and damp, and the walls were littered with shadowy crevices from which a thousand eyes seemed to watch. Instincts told me not to walk into this obvious trap, but curiousity assured me I'd be okay. Silently, I hobbled to the edge of the natural rock platform and went prone; my ears listened to every cricket's chirp, my skin tingled with nervous anticipation, and my nostrils flared as whisps of red dirt spiraled into the air from my breathing.[/quote]
Two I's and an I'd. Also, it adds some thought from the main character and a lot more description.
Unless Chris is a General, then the Colonel you have join their team outranks him, and would therefore not say sir. And it's not very likely they'd have a Colonel join a team like that; those are usually commanding capital ships, not manning pelicans. Hopefully you meant Corporal, which would be okay. So remember to watch out for ranks.
| Quote: | | "So our pilot is our scout and we have a new pilot now?" |
Repetition and confusion here.
The Seagull, while new, doesn't make a lot of sense. Four plasma rifles would be a horrible main weapon. Plasma cannons maybe, but either way you need to explain where they get these. And plasma pistols for missiles? First, they'd be too weak, and second, I doubt plasma shot would affect a plasma missile (which the Covenant use). I'm not saying don't come up with new items, but be sure to really think them through first.
During the dream sequence, why does the AI tell him the second it is? Especially at 59 seconds. Round up to avoid confusion. I wasn't sure if you just had your time wrong or what at first.
Okay, I thought Devin WAS Zero. This gets very confusing. You really should explain that better.
| Quote: | | Therefore, I figured that his story checks out, that he was thrown out the airlock and landed in a river. |
Yea...umm...yea...
You cannot court martial someone for being in the gym.
| Quote: | | "Help! Demon! Intruders!" |
Demon is John's (MC) nickname, not human's.
Why would Malsvir leave Ryu alive?
Predator is not the word I'd use to describe a friendly Spartan.
The ending gets very confusing and sketchy, and breaks character with the Spartans.
Overall a story with a lot of potential. Work a lot on your GPS, and make more paragraphs. I saw several tense changes, and very little description. Take some time to reduce repetition, and work on putting a lot of the story together instead of making a lot of one sentence phrases spaced out.
Remember:
-Less repetition.
-More description.
-Keep character.
-Condense phrases.
Good:
-Interesting plot.
-Good characters.
-Nice setup.
Bad:
-Rank problems.
-Places were confusing.
-Some logic problems. |
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Nick Kang
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 688
Location: Michigan State University
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 12:40 pm Post subject: |
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^^Ditto^^
Also remember, the Code is your friend.
_________________
Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter. |
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Master Chief Spartan- 117
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 168
Location: Team Mate in combat... Waiting to respawn
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| Posted: Thu Sep 08, 2005 2:22 am Post subject: |
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Yeah, Mushu... Sorry; Giggles, don't forget to use the CODE!
You love the CODE!
The CODE! will love you!
But only if you use the CODE!
Bow down before the power of the CODE!
Revere the almighty CODE! |
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Giggles the Grunt
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Joined: 04 Sep 2005
Posts: 41
Location: In a Methane rich paradise.
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| Posted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 1:13 am Post subject: |
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I fogot the code.
Just email me and tell me
or just tell me when I come over.  |
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Giggles the Grunt
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Joined: 04 Sep 2005
Posts: 41
Location: In a Methane rich paradise.
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| Posted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 3:00 am Post subject: |
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I didn't really like it.  |
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CrazyGrunt
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Joined: 17 Aug 2005
Posts: 63
Location: Wreaking havoc on High Charity
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| Posted: Fri Sep 09, 2005 3:25 am Post subject: |
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| Worship the Code as you would your Gods. |
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