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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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Master Chief Spartan- 117
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 168
Location: Team Mate in combat... Waiting to respawn
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 Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 2:31 pm Post subject: |
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| Once again, a good story. |
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Random 14-Year-Old
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Joined: 20 Jan 2005
Posts: 81
Location: California
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 3:01 am Post subject: |
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Thanks. Nothing you'd like to critique? Nothing you'd like to specifically praise? Or maybe my story is too GOOD for words -- I think it has left everyone speechless.  |
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Mainevent
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 796
Location: Mobel, Abalama
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 3:02 am Post subject: |
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I'll get to this as soon as possible. And MCS, please give more comment than "This is good or bad".
=======================
Lo and behold seems a bit out of place when the knocker breaks.
| Quote: | | The words came out of mouth like molasses. |
Missing "his".
You need to start a new paragraph when someone else speaks, because otherwise it becomes confusing to understand what's going on.
I will admit that I haven't read any of the other installments of this series, but from what I've read it is pretty good. Down home characters that seem like your next door neighbors. Very good. Your GPS was pretty on key, with very few errors.
Overall very good, glad to see you're becoming an active member. |
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Random 14-Year-Old
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Joined: 20 Jan 2005
Posts: 81
Location: California
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 5:25 am Post subject: |
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Oooh MCS got told!! j/k
"Came out of mouth"? DOH! OMG! Okay, Self, try some better proofreading.
Ohh, when you say to start a new paragraph when there's a new speaker--are you referring to
"'Mr. Jiles,' Ren began. The man turned and looked at him. 'I was walking down...'"
or
"'And it attacked them—am I right?' Ren nodded. 'Right—and it was...'"
If that's the case, then I think I made it confusing by adding in a reaction from a different character than the one that's speaking, because in both those instances there is only one character talking in the paragraph. From now on I'll try to do something like
"'And it attacked them—am I right?' Ren nodded, and Howard continued, 'Right—and it was...'"
Thanks for the advice, Mainevent. BTW your stories are really cool, I just don't have a lot of time to go around the forum giving out comments. |
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Mainevent
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 796
Location: Mobel, Abalama
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| Posted: Tue Sep 06, 2005 5:31 am Post subject: |
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| No problem, thanks for the comment. |
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Giggles the Grunt
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Joined: 04 Sep 2005
Posts: 41
Location: In a Methane rich paradise.
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| Posted: Fri Sep 23, 2005 2:40 am Post subject: |
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| agian good story. |
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