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An Unggoy Life: Chapter 19: Lord Grievous and Ignorant Polit

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 01, 2005 1:57 pm    Post subject: An Unggoy Life: Chapter 19: Lord Grievous and Ignorant Polit Reply with quote

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An Unggoy Life: Chapter 19: Lord Grievous and Ignorant Politicians
Posted by CrazyGrunt (thomas-hoskins@comcast.net)
30 August 2005, 7:52 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=CrazyGrunt0830051952491.html
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CrazyGrunt
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Joined: 17 Aug 2005
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Location: Wreaking havoc on High Charity

PostPosted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 12:55 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

this chapter is basically the Nugga's arch nemesis returns, Lord Grievous. Grievous makes an alliance with three Ork Warlords, and the Pillar of Autumn II gets reassigned to one of the UWSC's backwater colonies because of a bunch of politicians.
The next chapter will have more action.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 2:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well Crazy, you're new and you care. I like that. To show you I like that, I'm going to read your story and comment now. Nothing worse than commenting on a bajillion stories that the author never ends up replying to and then not commenting on one with an interested author. I'll also urge other authors/members to do the same.

____________________________________________________


Quote:
"Um, yes and no,"


Try to avoid the little "um" like words. Instead, replace them with action descriptors to give us more of a feeling.

[quote=Try]"Yes," Ghazgkull responded hesitantly, "and no." The momentary grin that had spread across Grievous' lips could be felt disappearing, if not directly seen through his milk-white helmet.[/quote]

Then you could follow it up with what you had and just the little overall touches like that would benefit your story a lot. Give it much more personality than just a simple three word response.

Quote:
I told you that the Forerunner were an ancient race that lived six billion years ago and were had done technological advancement greater t


You apparently missed that portion when drafting. Just be sure to go over and proofread betterto catchthose little things.

Quote:
"I would believe you," Orkimedes interrupted, "Great beings usually get their own species destroyed by their foolish desire to push the limits of science."
"What he said," Ghazghkull answered.


Funny. Good stuff. Though I have to ask (I haven't paid a lot of attention to previous chapters), are Grievous, Orkimedes, and Ghazghkull all the same ranks, or friends, or what? Because they seem extremely familiar with each other, and nottaking the normal military tone you'd expect.

Quote:
No one alive knew that the Great Despot's real name was Gazgrim, except for Ghazghkull, and that was because he had his closest followers assassinated. He was thirteen feet tall wore a dark gray suit of Mega Armour, the Ork verison of MJOLNIR armor, except it didn't cover the Orks' head. His he had his Grotz paint a fist, identifying him a Warboss, and below it was the symbol of the Waagh, a square that looked like a jaw filled with sharp teeth, which a Warboss only gets when he has gained enough power to claim a title that makes him feared throughout the Galaxy.


Here is where I admit that I know very little about the Star Wars universe beyond what the movies showed. So I felt that a little more explanation and description here would have benefitted slightly. Also, more of a general feel of the base itself. All I know is that thy are inside of a volcano (is it red, black, gray; funnel shaped, dome shaped, etc) and there is a table in the center of the main room.

During the descriptions of the people at the table the weapons are described in terms of Star Wars items. Again, this hurts any reader who doesn't have a strong background understanding of the SW universe. Again, I'll suggest that in the future you just describe them a little more. Go beyond Mega-Armor and Quad-Blastas (are they actually spelled blastas?) and give me a feel for them. Not too much, I don't expect a paragraph on their looks, but a sentence that shows me more than the simple two word description they have will go a long way.



Quote:
"But Admiral Hood, you can't send the Pillar of Autumn II to Armageddon,"


Since this is speech it would help if you wrote out the word two if you must use it; which I would advise against. In that situation it is far quicker and much more likely that they'd simply refer to it as "The Pillar". They both know its not the destroyed original one, so you don't have to worry about the confusion.

The description of the planet itself was very good, and you managed to pull it off without a lot of lengthy description. The names themselves did a very good job of conveying how deadly they were. "Tempest Ocean, Boiling Seas, Deadlands, etc" Wonderful.

Overall, pretty good. My only real suggestion to patch up is the addition of more description where necessary, and to get rid of the informal tone most of your characters seem to share. Other than that you're good to go.
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CrazyGrunt
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 6:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

In answer to the question about Ghazghkull, Orkimedes, and Grievous.
Ghazghkull was the Ork who's face appeared on the Holovid eleven chapters ago. ( read Chapter 8: Three-way War). The Orks in short, are a race of beings that live to fight. Ghazghkull's fleet happened to accidentally stumbled across the battle, and, since they live and breathe fighting, joined in the chaos. After the destruction of the Unggoy homeworld, Grievous decided to play behind the scenes, and hired Ghazghkull to do his fighting for him. Ghazghkull, being a warmonger, accepted.
Orkimedes is Ghazghkull's personal mechcanical genius in his subordinates, and is more talkative than the others, who know when to hold their tongue. The only reason Ghazghkull doesn't shut him up permanently is because he needs him to build more creations for battle.
Orks are not like other races in the military perspective. To them, the only way to get up the cultural ladder is to be bigger, tougher, and nastier than anyone else.
Ghazghkull actually dislikes Grievous, since he is usually the top dog, and hates getting ordered about. But, if your getting paid for your fighting, than he can't really complain.
Oh, and before I forget, yes, they weapons the Gazgrim carried were called bastas. Orks have a slightly different way of spelling things than humans do.
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