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Fatal Exception
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 29, 2005 3:17 pm    Post subject: Fatal Exception Reply with quote

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Fatal Exception
Posted by Mainevent
28 August 2005, 6:16 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Mainevent0828051816481.html
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Helljumper
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Joined: 31 Jul 2004
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Location: Pittsburgh

PostPosted: Mon Aug 29, 2005 5:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Man this is getting good. thanks for adding the normal descritive text to it.

ODST
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thedarkfire
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Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!

PostPosted: Mon Aug 29, 2005 5:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Whistles* Wacky man.

Flood on a planet? Not what I expected. Very well done keeping us partially in the loop.

Gimme more!
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 29, 2005 8:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm. John didn't quote strike me as one-hundred percent on-character in there. I just couldn't see him saying some of those lines just so. Perhaps from Fred, but not from John. Not the John I know--and I know him pretty well, or would like to think so.

If it was your intention to keep the identity of the craft they were traveling in ambiguous, good job. I didn't really think that they were airborn until it mentioned a landing. If you did not intend to keep that knowledge, just consider how you describe such instances. Getting information across effectively, as you know, can be one of a writer's biggest challenges.


The entrace of the Flood was a bit abrupt. You could have used their appearance to your advantage to add a bit more to the weight of suspense. It could have led better into your next paragraph, as well. Always remember that flow is not limited to only sentenses and paragraphs, but between them as well. (You know that, but it is easy to forget. Make sure paragraph-to-paragraph transitions are as smooth as possible.)

It just happened, and for me, their appearance didn't really bear any more importance or weight than that of an Elite. Yes Flood are creepy, but the atmosphere that makes them all the more so just wasn't there in your story. I would have liked a good build up of supsicious tention before they appeared, and then a more dramatic narrative surrounding their discovery.

Kind of like Doom 3. Knowing Doom, I thought that I was gonna get attacked on my way to the communications station or as soon as I rose up the elevator to arrive within it. But I didn't. That did two things: Increased the edge of suspense, and slightly started to lull me into a false sense of safety and unexpectancy; so when the shit really did hit the fan, it was all the more drastic and startling.

If you can do that in a story, you'll captivate readers like nothing else.


I must thank you for adding in some of that wonderful narrative. I liked it a lot, well, if not the more so because of its distinction from the other material in your writing. However, I wouldn't say to stop using that format. Makes things quite interesting. But, adding in more narrative like you did wasn't a bad move. See this folks? We call this listening to advice.



Overall, this was very good. I'm glad to see you posting with consistency, Main. Always good when a Reg does so. Keep it up.
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'Nosolee
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 29, 2005 9:16 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I haven't read the whole thing yet, just up to the prose, but before I forget I'd like to agree with MCC...John didn't exactly sound like Master Chief. He spoke too much, he's usually a man of little, if any, words.

I have yet to finish the entire story, so I'll edit this with a score, comments, and such.

Nice, I must say this was good in many different respects. I also agree with MCC on building suspense, I was just kinda hit with the Flood. For the first two stories I was expecting something other than the Flood, like some other bio creatures. I was a little disappointed with their appearance, but you brought them to life pretty well.

9/10

-'Nos
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Mainevent
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Location: Mobel, Abalama

PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2005 1:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The flood aren't the surprise though. Smile

I gave them away in the first story (pretty much). The surprises come later on.

As for John being a little off character, I did that on purpose. I figured there were two Johns. There's the battle hardened warrior John who says very little and mostly just listens, and the barracks John. The one who plays cards and chats like he's at home. Which he considers this (minus the General) pretty close to.

I'll try to work on the things you brought up MCC, and In the future it'll probably be at least 50/50 prose/transcript.
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2005 8:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Clap* *Clap*, this series just keeps getting better,
Quote:
The approach of dawn signaled the coming day, but served only to silhouette the dragon's teeth of black mountains in the distance. It's gaping mouth was poised; open and ready to swallow them all at the first taste of flesh
I loved that section, extreemly useful at painting an image in my mined, good job. I'm starting to piece things together now, is it just me or is this kind of like Lost? Its like the next episode createas as many new questions as it answers old ones, I love that style of writing.

Main, you are quickly becoming one of my favourite authours both on this site and off it, congratulations for this and I hope the rest of the series keeps it up.
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2005 1:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Caliph, well done. Great name for an AI. The blend of narration as a flashback into your first chapter was brilliant. You're pulling all sorts of tools into this story, and the originality of it really shines among the others. Just when I thought the Halo genres were getting dry...well done, no doubt about it.
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2005 9:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I had to mention, you called the Helljumper Fisher, and he had donned
Quote:
a pair of luminescent green trinoculars
Wow, deja vu....
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2005 10:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank God someone caught that little SC egg.
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2005 11:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heh. The title made me realize it was you. Good job.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 30, 2005 11:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

For anyone who hasn't realized it yet; all of the titles for this series will be somehow computer related.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 4:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I told you before, and I will again. It would be nice to have something to relate them all to each other in the title.
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 6:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

My last escapades were Unsuspecting Victims, Dangerous Liaisons and Killer Instincts, they sound relatively like they're from the same series right? Yeah, thats when I got excited that another was out, when I read the title.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 6:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, TDF, for this series you'll have to just look for the computer references. I haven't done it before I'm not doing it now.
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