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Why Me?

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2005 10:55 am    Post subject: Why Me? Reply with quote

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Why Me?
Posted by Mind_Affecting_Parasite
24 August 2005, 2:28 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Mind_Affecti0824050228311.html
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'Nosolee
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 73
Location: Manhattan

PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2005 6:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very nice. I love how it rhymed, it shows a lot of effort. There are some places where the "why me's" got a little distracting.

Otherwise, 9/10

-'Nos
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Boy.I.Like.Halo
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Joined: 22 Jul 2005
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2005 9:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I bet a grunt is saying this... I liked it. Good ryming.
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2005 9:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Actually, to me, it felt more like a human soldier, most likely (being in Halo) a Marine. That's what it came across as to this reader, anyway.


Pretty good poem. It was a bit short, but the theme and substance was good enough. The rhyming was a nice touch, though some lines seemed just a tad awkward in context of reading. Something that practice smooths out.


There was a bit of inconsistency in there, also. For instance, in the second stanza, your first three lines follwed a certain form, and while the forth did generally, you changed "only" to "single", which was deviating from the pattern you set in the other two similar stanzas further down.

The way you rhymed, while it didn't really seem to make a difference, also changed from each of those afore-mentioned stanzas to the next. Things that close editing may not catch, but a good dose of scrutiny will.



And oh yes: Welcome back, MAP; good to see you posting again. It has been a while. Just don't forget to post a story---I like those more that poems, you know.
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Mark25
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Joined: 12 Jul 2005
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2005 2:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey dude, that I thought was fairly good, I do of course disagree with the nature of the protaganist though, Why Me seems a little self centred and unwarranted, as if the burden of responsibility is somewhat unwelcome (intentional but overplayed which to me says this person may be a little Narcissistic), whereas Why I believe would have sufficed for parts with a few alterations.

I would have liked a little more faith from the character at the end as to find hope that although they did not know why they were still alive but as to what they will look forward to as to why wars are fought on such a scale and to see that death in a war against extinction of ones values and species may be necessary to keep alive the dream of sentient life and all that such life entails; Those that have lived without bread for so long have but the memories (dreams) of its taste, colour, texture, feel and smell to remember it, but it can be enough to keep alive the dream that bread, at one point in the future, can be reached... and be tasted again*.

And I wouldn't have liked to have been in that guys unit either.

Fickle fortune can at times be seen as frowning upon you, when in fact it is smiling, that guy should be thanking his lucky stars he's still alive to see such horror, Nightmares can be overcome, Death is something that an individual cannot overcome, but as a species can transcend it through the actions of individuals and of the masses. Some will die for their cause today whereas others will live to fight another day. As long as we defend our right to exist as a species we are assured a place in such a history should we succeed. Though some of our defenders are nameless and faceless (we should bear in mind that war was not only fought by those we remember, but also those forgotten), we exist today through the sacrifice of all those remembered and those forgotten.

I liked the poem regardless of my own perspectives on life.

*replace bread with peace, friendship, love or even a nipple aboard a covenant mothership (I know, I know, you can't smell peace, but you get my meaning lol).
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 11:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice job, MAP. One of the better poems I've seen on here. I like poems that address the experiences of war. That is, in my opinion, the best way to write a Halo poem without sounding cheesy. And you certainly accomplished that.

C.T. Clown
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