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Retreat Crystal System--- 'Lions Den'

 
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 25, 2005 10:55 am    Post subject: Retreat Crystal System--- 'Lions Den' Reply with quote

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Retreat Crystal System--- 'Lions Den'
Posted by Mark Lieberg (malieberg@msn.com)
22 August 2005, 4:03 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Mark_Lieberg0822050403441.html
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sdn
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 3:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:

Bill Reynolds; a decorated captain standing six foot four, growing a small beard, and bright blue eyes, walked across the deck of the metal barge of a boat and around the center staff table.

This sentence is a run on, and more importantly, it's your first. You didn't start off with a good impression. Your usage of the semicolon was incorrect, and you have too many commas to keep a good flow.

Quote:

The Destroyers', 'Crying Havoc', AI was named after the fortieth president of what used to be the United States of America.

The apostrophe would be before the s, not after, because destroyer is singular. The appositive is awkward as well; it's not grammatically correct because the possession should fall on Havoc.

Quote:

enhancing itself out of focus.

That doesn't make sense...

There are several examples of the next thing, so I won't quote them all. Some of your sentences aeither have incorrect syntax or word choice. Make sure you re-read all sentences you revised so you don't forget to delete words from the old one.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 4:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow so detailed.

....
okay then?
didnt expect him to comment. thx for the tip anyways.
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sdn
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 5:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mark Lieberg wrote:
wow so detailed.

If that's sarcasm, I didn't have time to go over everything I thought could improve. I don't think that's a good way to review anyway.

One more thing that strikes me as odd - the title. The system isn't called Retreat Crystal, and there's no preposition between those two words that would suggest retreat's use as a verb, so I don't know what to make of it.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 6:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

maybe i should have put a comma.

Retreat, Crystal System

oh well just another one of those things that no one can understand what the hell im talking about. Confused
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 29, 2005 1:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Indeed. That opening sentense was a bit legnthy, as well as punctuated quite interestingly. Semicolons are not used in that fashion, for one; and be real careful about how you use your commas. There's a saying: "Don't sprinkle on your commas with a salt shaker." That saying refers to writing that has commas seeminly randomly placed.

Yours was not to that degree, but you should watch how you use that punctuation mark, among others. Make sure to read over your piece well before posting--and reading it outloud will catch punctuation most of the time.


For ship names, you don't have to put them in any form of quotation mark. Also, yes, watch out for that whole posession deal. It can be a bit confusing if you aren't careful.


Never really seen an AI with a first and last name before. I suppose that it is perfectly reasonable, but I do think simply naming it with one would be better, as no one would even try to say the name in full. Perhaps that is just what I think of the naming of AIs, but that thought sprung into my mind: who would want to say a first and last name to address an AI?


No Spartan has any form of identification etched into their armor. None. The only way that the Sergeant on Signa Octanus could tell that MC was a Master Chief was because of the outline of the symbol in his visor. But there is no numbering on the armor, so no-one (minus someone like Halsey) could really tell Spartans apart.


The whole first section there seemed wordy and a bit lengthy. It went over very limited material from a perspective that made it not as smooth or pleasant to read. Like watching television that is showing another tv, and upon that second tv is the movie you are trying to watch. Not fun--you want it on your whole television, not a small one within yours.

So be careful about how you go about describing your situations and material.


There were several GPS errors in there as well. Really watch out for those. Never forget to read over you piece thoroughly. Little mistakes not only look bad, but affect the quality of your writing.


Watch you plot, also. The whole purpose of this chapter seemed to be to let us know what happened in the system and then to tell us what the Spartans were going to do. You just summed up the rest of the immidiate plot. Be careful when you do that. Because unless you throw in a crazy twist and don't have it straight-forward, it will loose a reader's interest---or can.


Overall, this was pretty good. The formatting was excellent. Just keep working on the substance of your writing, and never forget to proofread. Good luck.
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Mark Lieberg
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 29, 2005 1:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

thx...

i said u didnt have to review it but up to u.
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 29, 2005 1:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Glad to do so, Mark. No problem at all.
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