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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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'Nosolee
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 73
Location: Manhattan
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 Posted: Thu Aug 25, 2005 3:38 pm Post subject: |
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This story is by me, 'Nosolee, even though it says that the author is Nosolee without the apostrophe. For some reason the submission form won't let me submit stories with the ' before my name. Aw well.
Enjoy.
-'Nos
P.S. | Quote: | | This chapter is short, it probably can't even be considered a chapter but more of a scent, I just wanted to get it out as soon as possible. |
It should be "This chapter is short, it probably can't even be considered a chapter but more of a SCENE..." |
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thedarkfire
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Joined: 03 Aug 2004
Posts: 1045
Location: Thousand post land. Oh look! A pidgeon!
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| Posted: Thu Aug 25, 2005 7:17 pm Post subject: |
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That was one hell of an A.N. I do suggest against that. If they want to follow the story, they'd go back and read it.
Now the story itself was quite good. I still wanted more, and if need be, don't submit it right away. We can wait, we're a patient bunch.
I look foward to more. All in one submission. |
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.
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| Posted: Thu Aug 25, 2005 7:20 pm Post subject: |
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An Author's Note... both russ687 and I will advocate against their use. Though, I dod believe russ is a bit more stringent than I. In this case, I would have not posted one. By the date, if anyone had read your previous work, they would know it had been a while. So... if anything, in the future, I would accept (IMO) a brief overview of the last chapter, but getting an actual message across... do that here, it's what the forums are for, and most people that read your work will be here anyway.
| Quote: | | This chapter is short, it probably can't even be considered a chapter but more of a scent, I just wanted to get it out as soon as possible. |
Don't worry about getting things out quickly. I understand that often times an author--such as yourself--may have a certain eagerness about them that pushes them towards the soonest release of their work, ASAP. Well, that will most likely cause you to rush through the piece, which will almost certainly degrade the quality of your work (which is bad).
So spend as much time as you need to get your story out in full and of the best quality you can make it. Working hard and being patient pays off.
Well, to the story itself.
| Quote: | | ...but he was stationed on Sigma Octanus III... |
To my knowledge, Covenant are not stationed, really, at a planetary location. More, they are stationed--in the ranks of--a particular ship. That ship may be stationed to patrol a certain area, or to guard it, whatever. But individual soldiers... I just don't think so. And as the Sigma system was controlled by humans (even after the Covvie attack, though we know not if the system may have again been invaded at a later date) I doubt Covenant forces would be stationed anywhere nearby. (And would the Covvies call that planet by that name?)
Watch out for repedetiveness. The name of your character was one word that kep popping up; and it did so overly so, enough that I noticed and was unable to igore. (Think about talking to someone who says a particular word or phrase---ie: "like" or "ya know?"---and that while talking to that person eventually that word or phrase is all you hear. Likewise in a story, a repedetive word or term will quickly begin to stand out to the eye.)
Try to avoid short segments that don't bear all that much relavence. Yes I understand that your character returning to a planet could and most likely will bear significance in the future of your plot, but just introducing him in such a manner along with the history of the planet all at once is a bit short and ill-fitting. Add some substance and meaning into every section you include.
Overall, this was pretty good. I enjoyed it, and am glad to see you writing on this series again. Keep it up, and good luck.
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'Nosolee
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 73
Location: Manhattan
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| Posted: Sat Aug 27, 2005 3:56 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks guys, more coming soon. |
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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Joined: 11 Oct 2004
Posts: 1073
Location: In the tower above the earth
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| Posted: Sun Aug 28, 2005 2:18 am Post subject: |
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| Fairly weighty AN, but the story more than made up for it, I'll go back and read the prolouge now. |
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Anubis
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Joined: 28 Aug 2005
Posts: 10
Location: UK
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| Posted: Sun Aug 28, 2005 10:43 pm Post subject: |
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| I like the story alot, by the way I'm new here |
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.
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| Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2005 12:01 am Post subject: |
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Well, welcome to HBOFF, Anubis. But, here, try to keep intorductions out of posts in the comments section, and also try to add more substance to what you say. Don't just write if you liked it or not; tell the person what about it you liked, and what you thought could have been better.
And if you want to check out more of the community, go and visit one of our three forums dedicated to things other than story comments.
Glad to have you.
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Anubis
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Joined: 28 Aug 2005
Posts: 10
Location: UK
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| Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2005 2:24 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks for the advice |
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