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Waking the Dead (part five): A Night at Mickey's
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 15, 2005 1:27 pm    Post subject: Waking the Dead (part five): A Night at Mickey's Reply with quote

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Waking the Dead (part five): A Night at Mickey's
Posted by Chuckles
15 August 2005, 8:23 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Chuckles0815050823071.html
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Jester
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 15, 2005 2:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very good of course. I've never seen a bad story from you Chuckles.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 15, 2005 6:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very nice. Not my favorite chapter. Things passed rather quickly, and it was not as enjoyable to me as some of the previous ones. Like something was missing or off.

At least I know my guess was right. Knew Lex would show up somewhere--that tavern seemed about right.

Interesting ending. The future of this has a lot of potential.
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 15, 2005 9:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awesome as always, man.

I can't get enough of your original detail and your own style; it's so different from what everyone else here writes. It's amazing.

This captivated me and I had to break off from reading to type up this comment, I'm almost finished.

I agree with MCC, however; this does seem to be passing rather quickly. Things are rushing by.

The second to last section between the horizontal rules is straight out of a thriller movie; it's great. I can visualize this all.

I can't wait to see where this goes. Great job.
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 15, 2005 9:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

This was very good, though admittedly not your best. The dialouge flowed nicely, and the exchange between Lex and Chuckles was very good, especially the "Run home to daddy," part. Considering the themes of this series, I thought it both funny and extremely meaningful.

You can't help but bump off all your Clowns. Here is a man not afraid to pull the trigger, and I dig that about you.

Keep 'em coming. I was waiting for this one. Murphy's ain't no Last Line of Defense, but it sure does sound imposing.

Cheers to a fine submission
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russ687
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 2:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm, well I honestly thought this was one of your finer chapters.

You wrote:
"What? Did you think I'd gone soft?" Lexicus gestured towards the chair with a slight dip of his gun. "Sit down. We're gonna talk whether you want to or not."


That was a little contradictory, considering that a moment earlier Lexicus had waived Chuckles off, actually telling him to just leave. In such a case, Chuckles could have left, but was infuriated by something his old friend said. In the way you had it played out in the quotation, it seemed as if Lex had planned it, which seems like a long shot. Plausible, yes, but still.

I only doubt Lex's scheming because there would be no real way (or very little, at least) to predict if Chuckles would merely be offended—as he was moments prior—or if he would respond harshly enough for Lexicus to gain the upper hand (pulling the pistol and forcing him to sit).

You wrote:
"Palatov calmed down and then spoke to me as a father speaks to a child who is too young and naïve to understand his words. 'Waking the dead, Lexicus; he is waking the dead.'"


That sentence hit real hard. Outstanding job, Chuckles.

You wrote:
"Yeah," Simjanes squeezed the trigger and the weapon thundered in his gauntleted hands. "I'll do that, Lex."


I love a fearless antagonist, and you've done an excellent job at creating one.

You wrote:
"It's time we pushed back."


Hell yeah.

Overall, excellent. This is getting very interesting, and I'm happy to say the small things at the beginning that I pointed out don't even come close to life now. Keep it up.

-Russ
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 3:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Russ wrote:
Quote:
That was a little contradictory, considering that a moment earlier Lexicus had waived Chuckles off, actually telling him to just leave. In such a case, Chuckles could have left, but was infuriated by something his old friend said. In the way you had it played out in the quotation, it seemed as if Lex had planned it, which seems like a long shot. Plausible, yes, but still.

I only doubt Lex's scheming because there would be no real way (or very little, at least) to predict if Chuckles would merely be offended—as he was moments prior—or if he would respond harshly enough for Lexicus to gain the upper hand (pulling the pistol and forcing him to sit).

Yes, it was meant to be intentional. Chuckles and Lexicus had spent years alone and isolated together during the Bishkek rebellion. On top of that they had grown up together in the SPARTAN program--best friends since the age of six. So Lexicus knew exactly what buttons to push.

Quote:
Hmm, well I honestly thought this was one of your finer chapters.

I was glad to read that, because this has become one of my favorite chapters. For the first time in the series we are getting significant chunks of information. I also like the interaction of old friends and enemies.

Thanks to everyone who has commented so far. I appreciate you guys taking the time, and as authors yourselves, you know how much it means.

Oh, and I delivered on the rainbow, so I'd better hear from Mastersushi Very Happy

C.T. Clown
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 10:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

MiNeS? Wasn't he on HBOFF before, or am I inhaling too many fumes from my new wall paint. Oh, Lexicus is in this, nice job Chuckles, real nice.
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Tin Can Man
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 10:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Think so..

I'm sure I've seen him somewhere in one of the old Fan Fiction forums.

Anyway, I thought it was extremely well detailed. I didn't have to go back to the last paragraph to try and see what had happened before.

Gotta love the whole evil-revenge thing you've got going for Simjanes Very Happy

Quote:
Chuckles wrote:
"It's time we pushed back."


Most people would make that sound cheesy, but Hell Yeah ( Sorry Russ)


Last edited by Tin Can Man on Tue Aug 16, 2005 9:22 pm; edited 3 times in total
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 6:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Tin Man, please do not post such small comments. They are not needed. Keep things on topic and worthwhile, please. Thank you.



Anyway. Well, I took a second look over this (something that I do not do very often). After reading the other comments, and seeing enthusiasm lacking in me, I figured either I was being too critical, or just wasn't having a good afternoon the first time I read this.

Either way, it read better the second time. The intro was more impacting and made more sense---yup, I was havin' a less-than-satisfactory day, apparently.


Quote:
"We need to talk alone."


I thought that this sentense could have been changed just slightly. Perhaps the change that I would like comes from what I read, or preference, but I thought that sticking in a comma or a period or just indeication of a pause would have made "alone" more impacting. Would have helped slow the pace just that little bit.


Hmm. I was reading faster than I thought, yesterday. I'm learning more and more about these characters of yours in this chapter alone. I suppose if I would have read Mission from SATU, I would not be seeing so much that is new to me, but it is still interesting.

I believe that the new edge on the characters' personalities threw me off on my first read. I took it in and didn't think it on par with what I had previously encountered, making it seem "off" in context. A mistake on my part. Shifting my perspective and opening my perceptions, it reads just fine.


Heh. The irony of Lex's part here hit me also. What a way to change things from stories past.


A thought occured to me as I took in the scene with Chuck and Lex: What were the other patrons of the restaurant thinking. I mean, yes, these two are in in the back, but even still--voices carry. A heated exchange (especially when it became physical) would not just go unnoticed; especially by Caleb, whom--having sceen where the two went and sat--was in visual range. The exchange seemed like it was in a separate room and thus unaffected by everyone else, but according to the story it was just in a dark corner.

Sure observers may like to ignore, but the way they had been acting earlier... it was hard to me to believe.


Well, regardless, I'll still stick with my other last statement:

The future of this has a lot of potential.
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Bronzemage
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 17, 2005 7:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A rainbow?

All I saw was a storm cloud. Lots and lots of storm clouds.

I enjoyed this better than some others, but at the same time I agree that it went by with a sense of urgency to get it done. That might just be me, but it seemed a whole lot happened in a very short time.

The whole Ben Cutlass/Vladimir/Ackerson thing is... confusing. I'm not sure if his wife dying was good, bad, an ONI plot or just an event. It seemed to be ominous, as she was described as having a overly large belly, and that may hint to what was going on at Ackerson's base, but I still can't grasp the gist of it all, probably because I keep forgetting between sections Razz

I thought the Bar scene was done very well, and the characters of Chuckles (his underestimation of Lex) and Lexicus himself (the whole distrust of Ackerson0 were very well shown.

The arrival of Simjames seemed to come out of nowhere, since Chuckles seemed to convince Ackerson not to send him, as MiNeS could be found and eliminated without the unneeded deaths of thousands of people.

A very interesting adition to your ever-growing and ever-the-more-confusing list of stories Very Happy
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 17, 2005 9:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Bronze wrote:
Quote:
The arrival of Simjames seemed to come out of nowhere, since Chuckles seemed to convince Ackerson not to send him, as MiNeS could be found and eliminated without the unneeded deaths of thousands of people.

Ackerson never intended on leaving Simjanes at home. He knew that he stood a better chance of finding MiNeS with him going too, and he had his doubts whether Chuckles would eliminate a fellow Spartan going on only the limited information he had given him. That will come out in a more concrete way later, but I tried to insinuate it at the end of Juggling Snakes: Simjanes was one of the snakes, and Chuckles was the other. Simjanes did show up unnamed at the end of Everybody Screams using almost the exact same lines he did in the prologue. Some readers made the connection, some did not.
Quote:
The whole Ben Cutlass/Vladimir/Ackerson thing is... confusing. I'm not sure if his wife dying was good, bad, an ONI plot or just an event. It seemed to be ominous, as she was described as having a overly large belly, and that may hint to what was going on at Ackerson's base, but I still can't grasp the gist of it all, probably because I keep forgetting between sections

Yeah, I need to get these out a bit quicker. I admit, my plots are a bit hairy for fanfiction. Since my stories are usually read over a long period of time, a lot is forgotten. I do try and keep that all in mind. But let me say this to anyone who is afraid that they will get lost: Ben Cutlass' (MiNeS' father) fate and its connection to Ackerson's secret project functions in this story much like the mysterious unnamed entity in the box/freezer did in Ghosts of Erebus. Which is to say that when it is all revealed, nobody will be lost or in the dark about what is going on. Everyone--from the guy who remembered every fact and clue, to the one who didn't bother with the clues but just read for the thriller/horror/action content--everyone will get it, because it will be as obvious as the killer entity/demon was in the last story.

That said, if anyone has any questions at all about Waking the Dead, feel free to drop me a private message any time.

Again, thanks for all the comments.

C.T. Clown
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Caleb the Jackal
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 17, 2005 1:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow that was awesome. I really enjoy your style Chuckles. Are the Spartan III's like more tough then the II's in your fic? I don't know of many spartans that could take a punch from Chuckles in the face with out so much as flinching.

Well keep up the good work. I think this Caleb kid is going places. Wink

Caleb
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(Na)Marl
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 17, 2005 4:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
MiNeS? Wasn't he on HBOFF before, or am I inhaling too many fumes from my new wall paint.

--Yeah. I just got out of matchmaking with him, Xraf, and another cool guy named Wilshire, when I read this last night. I was too tired to review it, so I'll do it now. We lost one of the clan matches, and went from a 14 to 15. Weird, eh? Heh, remember Xraf mentioning something about him being on his 'dream team' with Wil, MiNeS and me. Razz

--Anyway, this was a nice story, Chuckles. The only things I can find wrong with your stories usually are spelling mistakes. "Purplish read" popped up somewhere in there.

--One thing I like about your style is that most people write two types of stories: One is all action, boring and stupid, MC fights the Covenant, blah blah blah. Another is the one with a huge Covenant religious plot, nice and good. You made up your own style of plot. If you changed a few things, you could make a book instead of fan fiction! I mean, I'd read it. Smile

--Your plots are about humans. You hardly ever use Covenant, and when you do, you just say something about the war, nothing about the Covenant being there. It's unique, and I think that's great. Keep it up, and we'll have the masses flocking to this site just to read your stuff.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 18, 2005 3:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Caleb wrote:
Quote:
Are the Spartan III's like more tough then the II's in your fic? I don't know of many spartans that could take a punch from Chuckles in the face with out so much as flinching.

No, these are all Spartan II's. In fact, none of these Spartans even have shields yet, as that did not happen until just before the invasion of Reach. Glad you like it Caleb.

I have a question:
WHERE IS MASTERSUSHI? I worked in his rainbow, but he in nowhere to be found. Twisted Evil Don't make me come looking for you Twisted Evil

C.T. Clown
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