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Whispers
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 15, 2005 1:27 pm    Post subject: Whispers Reply with quote

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Whispers
Posted by CoLd BlooDed (broken_lizard12@hotmail.com)
13 August 2005, 7:26 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=CoLd_BlooDed0813050726481.html
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Mon Aug 15, 2005 6:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, nice to see something here by CoLd. I'll hopefully have a review in 24hrs or so.

C.T. Clown
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Mainevent
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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Location: Mobel, Abalama

PostPosted: Mon Aug 15, 2005 9:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Interesting indeed.

Pretty good length for a short story.

I saw some areas (mostly in the beginning) that could have either been worded a little better or something to make the flow more even.

Quote:
White-hot pain tore through the Private's shoulder with the intensity of a sharp blade which inevitably triggered his stifled mix of sobbing and screaming.


This sentence in particular kinda shifts a little bit awkwardly.

Mainevent's Idea wrote:
White-hot pain tore like a sharp blade through the Private's shoulder and trigged a stifled mix of sobbing and screaming.


To me at least, that is a little easier to read.

Overall a great story. Brutal, that's for sure. Your pirate accent (which I assume you were going for) was dead on; likewise with the Max Paynesque drug sequence at the end.

Other than the minor GPS and possible spelling mistakes (I didn't catch them, but almost every story has them[just covering the bases]). Watch out for the wording/flow issues in the future and you're good to go.
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 15, 2005 9:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, that one sentence you pointed out was a bit awkward to me, too, but in the end I let it slide.

It's funny, I managed to conjure up this piece in three days! I am guilty, though, of not proofreading. So feel free to point out things I missed.

I was worried that this wasn't going to be approved because there is a lack of Halo in there, but I think I got the point across of what a rebel society can do to their enemies.

Thanks for reading!
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MC's Cousin
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2005 6:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty intense. A good vivid story there. Most of the details were right on. Though, there were those small mistakes here and there--the kind of thing that is almost always there. Like that first sentense. The flow in it was not very good at all--too long.

But, overall, this was very good. Nice to finally see something by you, CoLd. Try to make it a habit.
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Helljumper
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 17, 2005 12:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

it was good, i got lost sometimes i won't lie

ODST
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'Nosolee
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 17, 2005 1:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was good, very dark. It was sort of a dive into the mind of a psychopath; kinda like a piece by Poe.

Watch the wordieness, there were a few parts that seemed a little bit like you used MS Word Thesaurus too much. Most wordieness was in the first few paragraphs.

Otherwise, I thought it was great. A good break from the traditional stuff.

9/10

-'Nos
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 17, 2005 5:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks you guys.

And it's funny you mention that, 'Nosolee, because I didn't really start using the thesaurus until halfway through--the first paragraphs were all me. I probably misplaced some of the words, or put them in awkward spots.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 18, 2005 2:25 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, CoLd, I think you may be subject to a condition I have seen many inflicted with. At first, when you start writing, you may be a bit slow and rusty, and make more mistakes, or not be quite on with dialogue or flow. However, once you get going, all of your creative juices and writing skills get pumped up, getting you on track.

Heck, it happens to me sometimes. Thankfully, my editing process smooths out that opening section that sometimes is kind of rough and hard to read. Well, show's what a good proof will do.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 18, 2005 6:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice. You do a good job of getting into your character's head and making us care about him. You effectively portrayed the hopelessness of cruel torture--something that is not all that easy to do. Giving your antagonist an accent was clever, since it let you the reader identify his voice immediately. I liked how you linked his dream with reality, and got a kick out of the way you showed him hearing the security announcements all garbled. A lot of good stuff in here. You have quite a talent for inventive storytelling.

I also noticed some wordiness. Even though it was a bit more pronounced early on, this story was wordy throughout. Here is one example.
Quote:
Then, without warning, the braces that his wrists were encased in suddenly unlocked themselves and burst open

You could have either used the phrase without warning or the word suddenly in this sentence, but since they are almost identical in meaning, using both of them is redundant.

Also, your action was hard to follow at times, and it could have used more vivid description in places. Look at this, for example:
Quote:
The stranger, who now happened to be at the end of the table where the Private's legs were situated, looked rather stunned and bemused on what to do. The answer soon became clear, however, when the captives hands were tightly enclosed around the neck of the man who now attempted to fend him off with one fist and the needle.

Although I see the effect you were trying to get by structuring it that way, I think it would have been better to describe the captive lunging forward in fury and revenge, rather than having it happen without description and mentioning that his hands were around his captor's neck after the fact. The way it was written made it hard to visualize.

I have to admit that I was expecting some sort of surprise ending, but your ending was not bad. I can't say enough about your storytelling and writing talent. You add little details here and there that make it seem real, and it is nearly impossible to guess what you are going to do next. It is a pity to let little errors detract from that. This was very good, but it was just a couple of proofreads away from being excellent. I hope to see more from you--soon.

C.T. Clown
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 18, 2005 6:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was crazy.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 18, 2005 9:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A torture story sounds fun, maybe I'll try one of those someday.
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 19, 2005 5:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, Chuckles and dark, your comments are appreciated.

Yeah, I was trying to make a surprise ending, but I thought in the end that there wasn't enough room to do that, so instead I just finished him off. Razz

And I admit that I do need help when it comes to writing action sequences. I mean, I compare my stuff to yours and it seems either too slow and sluggish or too quick and jumpy.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 19, 2005 5:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I understand that this is a bit late, but here's some suggestions.

I thought the very beginning was bit too much. The sentence sounded stretched past its limit of endurance, and what you were left with was something overloaded. Details are important, but you don't need to use so many words! Remember that more words you have, the more time it takes for the reader to glimpse through it; and the beginning was much too long for your aims. (Fine, I'm trying to be intelligent-sounding here.) Something like, say, He was hit would've told the reader exactly what had happened without losing pace; then, you slow it down and hit the reader with a bone-chilling description of the pain branching through their veins (I loved the description, by the way, but thought that it sounded rather clumsy.)

Lovely story, man.
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SeverianofUrth
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 19, 2005 5:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh. Did Chuckles address that issue already? Should've read through the other comments first. Dang.
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