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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
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Master Chief Spartan- 117
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 168
Location: Team Mate in combat... Waiting to respawn
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 Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2005 6:09 pm Post subject: |
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| THis one was a lot better than the first one. YOu finally involved some sort of combat/reference to combat. Lemme guess, the stone rock thingy is some Forerunner artifact, the Covenant come looking for it, they kill Ariana or someone in her fanily, and Ren goes out looking for revenge? |
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Solidus Snake
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 281
Location: A dying Metal Community
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| Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2005 9:07 pm Post subject: |
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I can read it now, and yes, much better. And wow, five hundred years and MAD TV still hasn't been taken off the air.
And damn, kids can be devils, but then I saw it was just a test. So that saved you from making something silly.
And tell more about the guy that found the stone.
And yes, revenge is oh so sweet. |
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Random 14-Year-Old
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Joined: 20 Jan 2005
Posts: 81
Location: California
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| Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2005 4:20 am Post subject: |
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Ah, thanks. I think I actually had my footing in this one.
You're pretty smart, Master Chief. But your ideas aren't quite the same as the corn I have planned.
Yep, much to the dismay of the UNSC, shows like Mad TV keep making fun of the war. Darn parodies.
Anyone seen War of the Worlds?  |
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sdn
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 121
Location: afk
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| Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2005 4:26 am Post subject: |
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I liked it; it's a nice change from the tired Marine-blows-everything-up cliche. Sorry I can't be more useful right now.  |
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Syotica
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 579
Location: Northern Michigan
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| Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2005 4:27 am Post subject: |
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Don't get this off-topic man. Yes, I've seen it, and I've liked it.
I'll comment later; Just wanted to get that clear. |
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Random 14-Year-Old
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Joined: 20 Jan 2005
Posts: 81
Location: California
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| Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2005 4:39 am Post subject: |
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| sdn wrote: | | it's a nice change from the tired Marine-blows-everything-up cliche. |
My motto exactly. Cause, you know, if I do what most other people are doing, there's bound to be comparisons, which means I'd probably get the short end of the stick. Not to be pessimistic or anything...  |
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sdn
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 121
Location: afk
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| Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2005 4:40 am Post subject: |
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Well, I'm more likely to give you the short end of the stick just for writing another of those stock stories.  I like to see new things, not rehashings of old ones. Keep it up! |
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Jester
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Joined: 26 May 2005
Posts: 323
Location: Greenville, South Carolina
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| Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2005 4:58 am Post subject: |
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| Until you establish yourself here you will get the short end of the stick. Veteran writers get away with stuff that new ones can't. |
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MasterSushi
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Joined: 14 Sep 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Sitting in a chair. On my own. Eating cupcakes. And people tell me to get a life. Ha.
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| Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2005 11:21 am Post subject: |
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Marine's and Elites gettin' trigger happy is always an annoyingly popular theme in HBOFF today.
My best tip would be one you probably already seem to follow. Make sure each of your stories/series are unique. Make each one memorable. |
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Random 14-Year-Old
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Joined: 20 Jan 2005
Posts: 81
Location: California
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| Posted: Mon Aug 08, 2005 7:12 pm Post subject: |
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Exactly, which is why I started a story in the past where I explain how Locklear didn't actually die but was sent to where the Forerunners had escaped to. But alas, it would have been a really LONG epic and I just don't have that commitment.  |
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
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| Posted: Wed Aug 10, 2005 3:55 am Post subject: |
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Good dialogue; that is one aspect we've done well both in this chapter and in the last. It's casual and very pragmatic, and helps give your story a nice comfortable feel that is easy to follow.
I'd be careful about how often you use his name. It can get repetitive fast, so be sure to substitute in some pronouns to clear things up. As always, perfect flow should be one of your ultimate goals, so never lose sight that even the little things here and there (such as a name too many times) can disrupt it.
| You wrote: | | "No, it wasn't there!" one kid screamed. |
GPS, my friend, GPS. Watch your capitalization, et cetera.
| You wrote: | | "Hahaha!" one boy cackled. |
This is going to be a tough one, but don't spell out laughter, as it is rather unprofessional. It's a hard work around, but just use "One boy laughed" or something in substitution.
I chuckled at that whole "testing" thing. I forgot if you said this, but how old are these kids? Also, I take it from that little MadTV snippet that things had progressed far enough that such jokes would be socially acceptable, that or people have not seen the horrendous effects of war yet.
| You wrote: | | "No," Ariana said bluntly, but then added, perking up, "But he does send me some cool stuff sometimes. |
I've seen this mistake a few times elsewhere. Don't capitalize the first word of the continuing dialogue (denoted here in bold).
I really laughed at the scene after Ren messed around with that Covenant helmet. Brave of you, but hard to take too seriously. It's difficult to write something like that in a serious fashion, and if that was your intent, you were off a little; though it was humorous to some degree.
| You wrote: | | They worked together in silence and within five awkward moments they had it opened. |
You'll have to define how long a "moment" is. Perhaps you meant "minutes"?
Overall, it was good. Ending had a much more suspenseful effect to it, though it could still be stronger. GPS was good throughout, though you had a few minor mistakes here and there. Your installments seem to be fairly short, but as long as you get some good plot progression in each posting, you should be fine.
-Russ |
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Azrael
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Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 504
Location: Boston
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| Posted: Wed Aug 10, 2005 4:26 pm Post subject: |
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No complaints, this was good. But having dealt with mothers that find me with their daughters (I've been sneaky, so the number is low), her reaction would probably have been a little angrier. But this is very accurately written and quite easy-going, so I'm getting the sense you may be writing from personal experience...which is an excellent thing to do.
...pretty intricate test, though.
Looking forward to how this progresses. Good luck.
_________________
...now that's some gritty shizzle.
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sdn
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Joined: 15 Jul 2005
Posts: 121
Location: afk
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| Posted: Wed Aug 10, 2005 5:28 pm Post subject: |
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| I found the test part to be a little unrealistic, but I think the walk-in part was fine. It's just a matter of how liberal the mother is, and in this case she seems to be quite so. |
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Random 14-Year-Old
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Joined: 20 Jan 2005
Posts: 81
Location: California
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| Posted: Sun Aug 14, 2005 12:24 am Post subject: |
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| Yeah, thanks for all the comments and help, guys. I just submitted Part 3 and I actually took some time reading it over and changing little things here and there. However, don't go into it expecting a lot of excitement--basically, it's just a prelude to the 'main conflict' that I'll get into at Part 4. Part 3 is just some filler, but I tried as hard as I could to make it interesting filler! |
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