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Glass and Steel: Pt. 1
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hboff
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 1:53 pm    Post subject: Glass and Steel: Pt. 1 Reply with quote

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Glass and Steel: Pt. 1
Posted by Random 14-Year-Old (i-rule-2008@sbcglobal.net)
3 August 2005, 2:52 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Random_14-Ye0803050252191.html
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 2:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Heh. Interesting. Some childhood story huh?
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 2:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You know, it wasn't horrible. The Elitespeak was off, not reverent enough, not formal enough. "Permisson to advance," is pretty close, but it sounds too human. Something like, "Noble Prophet Gaeity," followed by a silent bow and waiting to be beckoned forward. So your Elitespeak needs some work, and your Prophet didn't sound great, either. I would have liked it if you had described the Prophet's chamber better.

The Luther bit...the dialouge, while funny at times, seemed a bit too corny and over-the-top. I've thrown a fair number of ridiculous pick-up lines at girls in my day, but it was only when I didn't care how it ended up or I was doing it to get a laugh. Why in the world Ren wanted to just bestow a name on that girl is beyond me. You made a gallant effort at this, and it was pretty funny at times, but work on that. It' too over-the-top.

This has promise, and others will have much to say on this (GPS, etc.) Good luck.
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Master Chief Spartan- 117
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 5:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

So maybe it's the first chapter but whats with the human half of the stroy. It's like some corny teenage love story. Nothing about Halo .

Twisted Evil Evil or Very Mad Twisted Evil Evil or Very Mad Shocked
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Helljumper
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 5:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I stopped after i read "they shipped metals and stuff like that to factories somewhere else in the region."

stuff is a very unprofessional word for an author to use, u have potential. try reading stories by azreal, russ and myself

ODST
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MasterSushi
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 5:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I also highly recommend that you capitilise proper nouns, and spell words properly; such as "you".


I hope you got that Helljumper Razz, as for the story it wasn't too bad really. I'd have to agree pretty much wholly with Az, and can't find too much else to add.


Last edited by MasterSushi on Wed Aug 03, 2005 5:43 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 5:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I would disagree. Any compelling character makes you care about what's going to happen to them, what their circumstances are, etc. The fact that Reach is mentioned does, in fact, make this about Halo. If you're going to make the case that this chapter isn't Halo related, then you're also saying that Russ687's "Conspiracy" series isn't Halo related at all. That's simply not true.

Do I have issues with Random's delivery of the "teenage love story?" Yes. It could be better written. But I congratulate and defend him as taking an important first step that a lot of writers here don't take: Making your reader care. If you get involved in this relationship between boy and girl, whatever happens to them in the coming chapters will make it that much more enjoyable.
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MasterSushi
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 5:33 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Such as killing them off.
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 5:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Exactly. Such as killing them off. That's gold.

As for Helljumper's post...yeah, saying "stuff" isn't good. Always take your time to SHOW us what you mean, don't just TELL us. Unless, of course, this is just your character's detached, teenage, I-don't-care-it-doesn't-concern-me outlook. But I will side with Helljumper on this.

And for the LAST time, Helljumper, it's Azrael! A-Z-R-A-E-L! Laughing I think my name gets misspelled a lot. My own sensei doesn't know my name...
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MasterSushi
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 6:13 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I wouldn't say killing people off is fun, because usually I find it heartwrenching (the same thing I hope the reader feels) but I do enjoy the affect it has on the audience.

My motto is:
NOTE TO READERS: Get ready as I prepare to grab your emotions, stretch them a little, before shoving them up their own arses and setting it alight with my old pal Mr Lighter Fluid.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 03, 2005 10:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I remember you. Didn't you have another series that isn't complete?

Anyways, onto the story…

The Covenant dialogue (with those Elites) seemed to have a human edge to there; an overly human edge. Keep an eye out for this in the future and remember to keep them alien. It got better as your character conversed with the Prophet, but it's important to keep them in character at all times.

Also, your descriptions were dry. Instead of going into details, you kind of just moved on. Give us more to imagine with, to hear and see what is going on. That is what you should do as an author; immerse the reader into your world.

You wrote:
"What?!"


I just finished having a long debate about this, but you shouldn't use both "!" and "?" together.

You wrote:
"Because," Ren continued smoothly, "I'd normally expect a crowd to be huddled around someone so fine."


I had to chuckle at that. A little juvenile, but nonetheless humorous. Smile

You wrote:
Ariana turned and looked at Ren. Her brown eyes seemed to have a crystal-like quality to them, and her long brown hair shone in the midday sun.


There we go. Nice descriptions, and very good dialogue to go with it.

Overall, it was good. Nice, comical ending there, but you didn't leave us with much. What is going on? What do we have to look forward to? Make sure to end with something that can allude to the future. Keep it up.

-Russ
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Zephyr
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 12:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Your Elite speak was way off. Have you ever heard an Elite say "stuff" before?
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Random 14-Year-Old
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 4:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Elitespeak, Elitespeak, Elitespeak. I know, it's not alien enough, but I figured it wouldn't matter since that isn't the main part of the story. But I guess since this IS a HALO fan fiction, maybe I should work on that.

And if you don't like the teenage love stuff, suck it. This ain't your average Halo fanfic. I wanted to try something new here, instead of the average "Story of a random marine" stuff. Stuff. Yeah, I know. Shut up.

Thanks for all the little tips, guys.

And, uh, yeah, I have TWO unfinished series...I've got a, um, problem with commitment, you see, and, uh, low attention span, you know, and anyway--
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Master Chief Spartan- 117
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 3:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I have the same commitment problem. I started a series and now I am getting bored with it. After my first stury in the series I left off to make another stroy in another series. THen some Green Day parodies. I have force myself to go on and finish the series.

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Syotica
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PostPosted: Thu Aug 04, 2005 4:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Helljumper wrote:
I stopped after i read "they shipped metals and stuff like that to factories somewhere else in the region."

stuff is a very unprofessional word for an author to use, u have potential. try reading stories by azreal, russ and myself

ODST


And me. Smile
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