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The Last War: Chapter 1

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 07, 2004 8:33 pm    Post subject: The Last War: Chapter 1 Reply with quote

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The Last War: Chapter 1
Posted by Silverstar (SkaSilverstar@AOL.com)
4 September 2004, 8:37 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=silverstar.0904042037341.html
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 07, 2004 10:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First off, you need to use The Code. Or more specifically, the pseudocode. Please impliment this little formatting feature to make your story look better overall.
As for the story, well, overall the it could have used a lot more detail. You did a fair job of describing the main things, but not any real detail to describe the situation or anything. Plus, you didn't really exfoliate on the actual story as much as I would have liked. Keeping people in spuspense is one thing, keeping them in the dark and annoyed with lack of any tangible information about a story is another.
So work on that kind of stuff for us.
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Helljumper
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PostPosted: Tue Sep 07, 2004 11:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

in addition to what MCC said, ship names are italized so that you know. I don't think UNSC battle ships would engage Covenant ships within the Earth's atmosphere. They really aren't meant to entire a planet's atmosphere. When switching between characters use [hr], thats a line break. Try not to make too many characters. Unimportant Marines and naval personel should not be given names, ranks yes, names no.

Well others will add on.

ODST
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Conrad Lauf
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 08, 2004 10:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was pretty good

Keep it up
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echo3kilo
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 08, 2004 1:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good story...sounds kinda familiar, though (can anybody say Pearl Harbor?). The one detail that really irked me was the Marine in the control tower putting his weapon down. Marines never leave their weapon unattended. Next time, have him sling it, or something like that. Also, try to be a little realistic with the plasma hits, I don't think a human would survive a Banshee plasma bolt, but I could be wrong. Good first installment, though.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 08, 2004 3:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

echo3kilo wrote:
Also, try to be a little realistic with the plasma hits, I don't think a human would survive a Banshee plasma bolt, but I could be wrong.


I agree. The equivalent of getting hit by the dual plasma bolts of a Banshee would be kinda like someone compressing a ball of fire to the point where it was liquid fire, and then sending it at you at the speed of a dealy projectile. I don't know about you, but I don't know too many people who can take that. If you want someone to survive, give it a good reason (ie-armor took most of the hit, or it was a glancing hit, or it totally missed him and hit the wall behind him).
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Grunt-Boy
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 08, 2004 9:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

pretty good concept but i don't think a ground war with the Covies would be suicide. 80-whatever marines can handle a few dropships. ONE human ship cannot handle 3 of the Covie ships. and this is kinda the code to use.(if you are too lazy to read it like i was at first).

[indent]=indent
text=bold
text=italics
text=underline
[hr]=page break

the end. good story start thing.
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Grunt-Boy
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 08, 2004 10:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

oops, sorry, guess that doesnt help


^
text

^
text

^
text

the end.
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Grunt-Boy
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 08, 2004 10:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

BLASTED!!! Guess that doesn't help either. Sorry for the triple post tho.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2004 11:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, if that confused anyone who is not totally in the know about the code, please visite the conveinently placed link in my signature.
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