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Into the Fray of Insanity

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 3:30 pm    Post subject: Into the Fray of Insanity Reply with quote

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Into the Fray of Insanity
Posted by Solidus Snake
27 July 2005, 6:16 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Solidus_Snak0727050616271.html
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 4:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Forgot a couple of paragraph indents. Only error.

Havent seen you do a story in months. I havent anyway..

Great story..
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Zephyr
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 8:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You did do some tense changing, and that's not good.

Overall, these three words shall sum it up:
Rusty, my ass!
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Boy.I.Like.Halo
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 8:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes it ok. I forgot to indent paragraphs in my suck story.
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Solidus Snake
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 8:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Damn, I do need someone to explain to me how the whole tense thing works 'cause I'm confused on it.

And yeah, whenever I change to a different location or person I won't indent to sentence to show the change but I did miss some sentences that I meant to indent but missed.

Edit: Is there some kind of censor now or something?
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Zephyr
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 30, 2005 2:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Alright, here's an example of tense changing:
"Wow," said Private Harold.
"That's amazing," says Private John.
I think it's called tense3 changing anyway, the point is, note the change of tense. "said" and "says" are two different tenses. Having them in the same sentence together is incorrect. however when you did it it wasn't bad, it was two tenses in a single paragraph I believe, so you're fine.
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Zephyr
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 30, 2005 2:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

fuck

I didn't do that on purpose. Yes, I suppose there is.
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Solidus Snake
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 30, 2005 6:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

No more comments?
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 30, 2005 4:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

- Hey, what kind of story is this?

What kind of story is, "The server cannot perform the requested operation?"

Oh, hold on, that's my error message.

- uh... heh heh... uh... heh heh.... uhmmm......

Oops, well, now that I figured out what went wrong, I guess I can move onto the story. Man, I should never have gotten this archaic clunker of an excuse for a personal computer. Someday, I'm going to need to get a new computer. The ones at the public library are more reliable than this hunk'o junk.

Well, the one thing I really hate is locator caps. Every itty bitty thing about them. They're backdropping you, Sol. It's really not your fault at that: Heh, they got me the first time I used them, and the second, and the third...

The Locator caps don't really take away from your writing. But they can if overused: and I'd be wary of that. Sometimes they can, and a lotta times, they do, if they backdrop you without you noticing.

Bold, do you mean, "Bald?" Heh, the guy's losin' his hair over this, eh? Hee-larious. Hey, I would too! And bold? Yeah, actually, that was pretty good. The General's bold, but he's also growing bald! Heh heh. I was chuckling at that too!

Y'got your share of Grammatical errors. Nothing dragging you down really, I know you can sort those out on your own.

Actung... oh, wait, that means, "Danger!" in German, or something, right? Yeah, there, I can check babel fish auto-translator later.


-I love your take on infinite-past tense writing.
It just seems so natural, when he slips between tenses: it doesn't leave me guessing, it's just easy to follow. I think that that's one of the things that makes your writing unique, despite its unusual flavour. That's one thing going for this story, and it's going well.

Even though you got a few rough spots, they can be sanded down easily.

And I like your title.

Solidus, do you know what time it is?

It's time to give you a - Hell Yeah!

- Dave.
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 30, 2005 4:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Man you love those pictures that represent you. Don't you?
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Solidus Snake
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 30, 2005 8:04 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks Dave and thanks to all.

Actung means attention.

And, uh . . . I don't even know what infinite - paste tense means. And what does past perfect mean, perfect future, and all of that other stuff? Embarassed

Our school system sucks just so you know.
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mr bill
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 14, 2005 4:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

What annoyed me here was the usual "American Empire 2552" approach to fan fiction. Also, you're speculative Second World War history should probably have been left out of the story.

Also, you're atypical approach to the "German physique" is very Tom Clancy, and I wouldn't recommend it.

The Independance Day references were obvious and ditracted rather then added to the story.

I liked the Longsword refuling scene- very cool and not too Nascar-ish.

The gung-ho level was rather high... don't know what to think of that really. The male/female thing was a bit too stressed. By 2552 women in the military would undoubtably be common (as is suggested by the games and the books of course).

I think the numbers were a little low too- the Covenant only deploy a few hundred men it seems; which is only about a platoon in strength. You'd think they'ed be landing a few divisions at least (somewhere around 30,000 to 40,000 men total, I'd imagine). Of course, that's your perogative.

And that's what I think. A very stock story, but in that sense its pretty good.
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Jester
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 14, 2005 5:11 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I disagree with Dave on backdrops. Large ones are bad, but small short ones can be very useful.
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Solidus Snake
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PostPosted: Wed Aug 31, 2005 9:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

mr bill wrote:
What annoyed me here was the usual "American Empire 2552" approach to fan fiction. Also, you're speculative Second World War history should probably have been left out of the story.


I'm starting to understand where you are getting at with the whole American Empire but I'm not fully there. Maybe you could explain.

mr bill wrote:
Also, you're atypical approach to the "German physique" is very Tom Clancy, and I wouldn't recommend it.


"German physique?" That kinda doesn't make since there but I think I know what you mean. Physique isn't a good word to use in what ever you are trying to say unless you are talking about body form.

mr bill wrote:
The Independance Day references were obvious and ditracted rather then added to the story.


Say what? I never really knew of using such reference.

mr bill wrote:
The gung-ho level was rather high...


You might have been refering to the, "let's kick their ass!" phrase. Well, he (Kurt) is American, or should I say, was.

mr bill wrote:
I think the numbers were a little low too- the Covenant only deploy a few hundred men it seems; which is only about a platoon in strength. You'd think they'ed be landing a few divisions at least (somewhere around 30,000 to 40,000 men total, I'd imagine). Of course, that's your perogative.


Agreed. But, remember, everyone was on them within seconds trying to not let the Covenant have a chance.

I'm glad to see that you commented Bill.
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