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This Is My House - Prologue

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 3:29 pm    Post subject: This Is My House - Prologue Reply with quote

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This Is My House - Prologue
Posted by Odin of SoS. (kavika86@yahoo.com)
25 July 2005, 10:43 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Odin_of_SoS.0725052243361.html
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Boy.I.Like.Halo
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 7:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good. It was to short. I wanted to read more but BOOM the end came. So next story write more. And the action kinda happend a little to quick.
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Solidus Snake
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 8:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good story man.

But some things bother me.

They woke up to the sound of the tanks and I know that tanks are loud but wouldn't the explosions from the Wraith's gun be louders? How come they didn't wake up to that?

And when the Ranger (and hell yeah to them) said they've taken Sara. Did they mean the city?
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Odin of SoS.
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 9:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

i didnt really anitate how far away the city was. but in my mind it was too far away for them to hear. and yes, sara was the city. i apologize for it being too short, but thats just how i imagin prologues to be. thanks for reading anyways.
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Odin of SoS.
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 31, 2005 2:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

well, i guess ill just comment on my own again. two readers is pathetic.
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Odin of SoS.
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 31, 2005 2:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

but of course two is always better than one. and i thank you again for reading.
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MasterSushi
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 31, 2005 4:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah it was dang short, so not a LOT to comment on, but certainly not too shabby. Very Happy

I don't understand why you don't capitilise in your posts though, because it's really annoying Wink
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Azrael
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 4:50 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Being a prolouge, length can be forgiven. I thought your middle paragraphs were a bit choppy, which hurt your flow a little bit. I like how you immediately put us into an emotional bond with your Sergeant, well done. You obviously have a good handle on military tactics, terminology, etc., but I think kudos are due to you anyway. This should be good, I'll be waiting for the next chapter.
_________________
...now that's some gritty shizzle.
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Ark Night
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 4:56 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice prologue. I will make sure to read the series. Nice description, and I could just imagine what was going on there. Good job. 9/10
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 8:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

MasterSushi wrote:
Yeah it was dang short, so not a LOT to comment on, but certainly not too shabby. Very Happy

I don't understand why you don't capitilise in your posts though, because it's really annoying Wink
That sums it up for me.
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Odin of SoS.
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PostPosted: Mon Aug 01, 2005 8:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well gents, thanks for reading. I'm working on the next one, and as you can see, I'm capitalizing my comments. Very Happy oorah.
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Helljumper
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2005 9:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it, what happened to your other series, Ordin one one i think it was called or something. but i had a very good mental picture of wat was happening, saw it like a movie unfolding. can't wait for more

ODST
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Master Chief Spartan- 117
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PostPosted: Fri Aug 05, 2005 6:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great story but a little short. There were a few problems, When the Covenant land on a planet they don't just take one city, they take the city and the entire surrounding area. You had them just taking the city. Also, was there a Marine base nearby? If there wasn't then I'm pretty sure the Marines couldn't have gotten all those tanks and warthogs so close to the city already. Another thing; even if David and his wife lived far away from the city I'm pretty sure the noise of the Covenant ships entering the atmosphere would wake them up.
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 07, 2005 12:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it; although short, but that's already been pointed out, hasn't it? However, the series shows promise, and I'm glad to see you got some more time on your hands to write; but then again, it is summer.

A couple GPS errors in there, but nothing seriously out of wack. Keep it up, muchacho.
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