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A Unngoy Life: Chapter 8: Three-way War

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4356

PostPosted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 6:11 pm    Post subject: A Unngoy Life: Chapter 8: Three-way War Reply with quote

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A Unngoy Life: Chapter 8: Three-way War
Posted by CrazyGrunt (thomas-hoskins@comcast.net)
15 July 2005, 5:55 pm

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=CrazyGrunt0715051755281.html
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI

PostPosted: Tue Jul 19, 2005 12:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, CG, you have quite an imagination. But the lack of detail (background detail, character detail, feelings, thoughts) made this very hard to follow. Is "Lord Grievous" supposed to be the character from Revenge of the Sith? If not, think of something more original. Also, you need to work on your paragraphing.

Details, details, details. They would go a long way towards improving your writing--and it is a shame to waste such a good imagination Very Happy

C.T. Clown
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Black Titan
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 9
Location: Tampa, Fl

PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 4:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

how i say this............................the story sucks son 2/10 tops
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MasterSushi
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Joined: 14 Sep 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Sitting in a chair. On my own. Eating cupcakes. And people tell me to get a life. Ha.

PostPosted: Wed Jul 20, 2005 6:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I apologise for Black Titan, it would seem he is a nonproductive dick Razz JK

I agree with Chuck, details and pace is important.

BEEF IT UP AND SLOW IT DOWN! Very Happy
Remember that and you'll go far.
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Sebasman
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Joined: 23 Jul 2005
Posts: 38
Location: Gilbert, AZ

PostPosted: Sat Jul 23, 2005 6:55 am    Post subject: Warhammer 40K involvement Reply with quote

Dude, i know u want to b creative, but u already have Star Wars in this, why did u put in Orks from Warhammer 40K too? Confused Confused Confused Confused And also, weren't the brutes moving the grunts at gunpoint a few stories ago????
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Boy.I.Like.Halo
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Joined: 22 Jul 2005
Posts: 47
Location: Kicken ass in outer space

PostPosted: Thu Jul 28, 2005 3:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i sorta like the series. Orks!?! dont like that. Keep it complete halo. That is all
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SYSTEM
The Hammer


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie

PostPosted: Fri Jul 29, 2005 1:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

- Hey, didn't we tell you about the code?

The code, you should know it by now, okay?

Your settings are backdropped. You're going to need to show us them. Not tell us them. Stop using Locator captions. They're backdropping you, and that's preventing us from seeing.

And remember, not to break character. Covies do not say 'sir.' They seem too human. Be sure to capture their characters and use them right, otherwise, that's breaking character.

And, about the "To Be Continued," That's the biggest cliche. We know it's a series, we'll see it. Overuse of TBC will breed the feeling of, 'Man, when will this end?" and other feelings.

Keep going, and keep practicing, and remember: Don't break character, don't use locators or TBCs, and remember the code.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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