HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

This topic is for posting comments to:

Military Police- Protect and Service
Posted by Helljumper (Pittklipse@aol.com)
9 July 2005, 3:03 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Helljumper0709050303121.html

Mark Lieberg · Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 1:31 pm Post subject:

wow..that was pretty neat.

although when i got into the stories, i think those mp's are evil too...why execute a terrorist if he is cuffed? shouldnt be tried or something? but hey, shit happens.

Great story man. Good job.
_________________
Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"

Nick Kang · Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 1:49 pm Post subject:

I thought it was really good. I especially liked the last line. That was cool.
_________________
Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter.

Helljumper · Member Joined: 31 Jul 2004 Posts: 298 Location: Pittsburgh

There will be another story, not a series, even though it uses the same characters. After i get a few more comments we can start discussing the actions of the MPs

ODST

Odin of SoS. · Member Joined: 27 Nov 2004 Posts: 85 Location: Iraq

im glad they died. they were bad guys. now theyre dead bad guys. nothing good comes from letting a bad guy live. and you portrayed the the military customs and courtesies well. woohoo.

Guardian · Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 5:39 pm Post subject:

Anyone seen Fareinhiet 9/11 or read the book on it?

Kinda reminds me of Bush, when comparing the MP's in some situations. Not All, just some.

Mainevent · Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 5:53 pm Post subject:

Pretty good story.

Though I doubt they'd kill the alive terrorists before they got information. Unless they'd already gotten enough information to not require their usage anymore.

Also, coincidence. You misspelled that several times.

Overally, very good. Emotions and actions we can relate to, updated to fit in the universe; with actions and manurisms that show you know what you're doing.

russ687 · Posted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 6:15 pm Post subject:

Very nice, Hell. Good descriptions and flow throughout, but I noticed a fair degree of GPS mistakes in there, perhaps more than I am used to from you. Proof-read a little closer.

That whole ending scene reminded me of Act of Conspiracy and the anti-terrorist team I had. Brought back good memories; you did a good job at it.

Keep it up.

-Russ

Helljumper · Member Joined: 31 Jul 2004 Posts: 298 Location: Pittsburgh

my next chapter is gonna compare regular cops with MPs. i'm trying to go for a feeling like in the movie Siege. the Marines solve the problem but they do it forcefully and with violence. regular cops are looking to arrest people and find evidence for the trials. MPs want to kill the people responsible and leave. the next story will show how once they arrive on a planet, Marshall Law is in effect and they lock down the whole city. , Just trying soemthing a little different.

ODST

did u guys like the describtion of the MP uniforms

Zephyr · Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 12:47 am Post subject:

Yes i did. Awesome story. A few commas missing here annd there, but w/e.
_________________
For what is a man profited, if he should gain the whole world, but lose his soul?

Bronzemage · Member Joined: 30 Dec 2004 Posts: 100

Yeah, it was good.

Some small mistakes such as forgetting to put the "s" on terrorists, which you did a number of times, and a few more GPS mistakes, but nothing huge.

It sorta did feel to me that the MP's were the "evil" guys. I mean, executing a prisoner while handcuffed, without a trial or even any sort of negotiation. It seemed a little harsh for information about 10 terrorists.

Well done, keep it up.

Syotica · Posted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 12:49 pm Post subject:

Nice work man. The cruelty of the military police and those first couple paragraphs immediatly sucked me in.

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

It took me far to long to get to reading this, but I finally got around to it.

Pretty good. I enjoyed the descriptions and the scenes you set. Though, like some others, I also noticed places where GPS errors took away from the writing. Likewise, there were spots where the details seemed a litte dry. Places where one word could have made it a notch better. Small stuff--easiest to miss.

That maneuver you had the Pelican pull reminded me of something out of Rainbow Six. Just a little pause-and-rock at the top of the building long enough for the team to jump out. I can't say it brought back direct memories of AoC, but it felt good to read--that kind of thing is some of my favorite writing.

I liked that last line, too. Also, I do enjoy what you are doing with the Marines. The comparison there is one that I can appreciate. What you have said you plan to do sounds very interesting. I can't wait.
_________________
-MCC

Dagorath · Posted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 12:53 pm Post subject:

Pretty good. Actually, I didn't find it that enjoyable: somehow it didn't have the kind of "ring" I liked. A nice effort anyway. Small grammar mistakes, but nice work all in all.

Azrael · Member Joined: 10 Aug 2004 Posts: 504 Location: Boston

Sorry to be digging this story up from the bottom of the pile, but I have to take a moment with my sensei's story.

Quite a few GPS errors, which was eyebrow-raising, especially coming from you. Little things, but still. Shooting the guy was extreme, but I think it will get the reaction you were looking for. The MP uniforms were vivid in my mind.

One quick tactical concern: How do they know the intel's legit? It's one thing to torture the suspect for intelligence, but if you kill him and he's given you bad intel, how are you supposed to get the legit stuff out of him? Doesn't seem to be good tradecraft to me. That was my only problem. I'll PM you about this later on, too.
_________________
...now that's some gritty shizzle.