HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
 
 FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 

Military Police- Protect and Service

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
hboff
Site Admin


Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4355

PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 11:56 am    Post subject: Military Police- Protect and Service Reply with quote

This topic is for posting comments to:

Military Police- Protect and Service
Posted by Helljumper (Pittklipse@aol.com)
9 July 2005, 3:03 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Helljumper0709050303121.html
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Mark Lieberg
Member


Joined: 12 Nov 2004
Posts: 770
Location: South Korea

PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 1:31 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow..that was pretty neat.

although when i got into the stories, i think those mp's are evil too...why execute a terrorist if he is cuffed? shouldnt be tried or something? but hey, shit happens.

Great story man. Good job.
_________________
Mark Lieberg
#179/1204
"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)"
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail MSN Messenger
Nick Kang
Member


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 688
Location: Michigan State University

PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 1:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I thought it was really good. I especially liked the last line. That was cool.
_________________
Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
Helljumper
Member


Joined: 31 Jul 2004
Posts: 298
Location: Pittsburgh

PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 1:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There will be another story, not a series, even though it uses the same characters. After i get a few more comments we can start discussing the actions of the MPs

ODST
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address MSN Messenger
Odin of SoS.
Member


Joined: 27 Nov 2004
Posts: 85
Location: Iraq

PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 2:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

im glad they died. they were bad guys. now theyre dead bad guys. nothing good comes from letting a bad guy live. and you portrayed the the military customs and courtesies well. woohoo.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Guardian
BANNED


Joined: 26 Aug 2004
Posts: 831
Location: Kicked to the curb.

PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 5:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Anyone seen Fareinhiet 9/11 or read the book on it?

Kinda reminds me of Bush, when comparing the MP's in some situations. Not All, just some.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Mainevent
Member


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 796
Location: Mobel, Abalama

PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 5:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good story.

Though I doubt they'd kill the alive terrorists before they got information. Unless they'd already gotten enough information to not require their usage anymore.

Also, coincidence. You misspelled that several times.

Overally, very good. Emotions and actions we can relate to, updated to fit in the universe; with actions and manurisms that show you know what you're doing.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
russ687
Member


Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL

PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 6:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very nice, Hell. Good descriptions and flow throughout, but I noticed a fair degree of GPS mistakes in there, perhaps more than I am used to from you. Proof-read a little closer.

That whole ending scene reminded me of Act of Conspiracy and the anti-terrorist team I had. Brought back good memories; you did a good job at it.

Keep it up.

-Russ
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Helljumper
Member


Joined: 31 Jul 2004
Posts: 298
Location: Pittsburgh

PostPosted: Tue Jul 12, 2005 8:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

my next chapter is gonna compare regular cops with MPs. i'm trying to go for a feeling like in the movie Siege. the Marines solve the problem but they do it forcefully and with violence. regular cops are looking to arrest people and find evidence for the trials. MPs want to kill the people responsible and leave. the next story will show how once they arrive on a planet, Marshall Law is in effect and they lock down the whole city. , Just trying soemthing a little different.

ODST

did u guys like the describtion of the MP uniforms
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address MSN Messenger
Zephyr
Member


Joined: 25 May 2005
Posts: 275
Location: im at ur moms house lol

PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 12:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes i did. Awesome story. A few commas missing here annd there, but w/e.
_________________
For what is a man profited, if he should gain the whole world, but lose his soul?
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
Bronzemage
Member


Joined: 30 Dec 2004
Posts: 100

PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 5:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, it was good.

Some small mistakes such as forgetting to put the "s" on terrorists, which you did a number of times, and a few more GPS mistakes, but nothing huge.

It sorta did feel to me that the MP's were the "evil" guys. I mean, executing a prisoner while handcuffed, without a trial or even any sort of negotiation. It seemed a little harsh for information about 10 terrorists.

Well done, keep it up.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message AIM Address MSN Messenger
Syotica
Moderator


Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 578
Location: Upper Peninsula, Michigan

PostPosted: Wed Jul 13, 2005 12:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Nice work man. The cruelty of the military police and those first couple paragraphs immediatly sucked me in.
_________________
The Front Page ~ The #1 place to talk about almost anything.
http://tfp-forums.com
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 6:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It took me far to long to get to reading this, but I finally got around to it.

Pretty good. I enjoyed the descriptions and the scenes you set. Though, like some others, I also noticed places where GPS errors took away from the writing. Likewise, there were spots where the details seemed a litte dry. Places where one word could have made it a notch better. Small stuff--easiest to miss.

That maneuver you had the Pelican pull reminded me of something out of Rainbow Six. Just a little pause-and-rock at the top of the building long enough for the team to jump out. I can't say it brought back direct memories of AoC, but it felt good to read--that kind of thing is some of my favorite writing.

I liked that last line, too. Also, I do enjoy what you are doing with the Marines. The comparison there is one that I can appreciate. What you have said you plan to do sounds very interesting. I can't wait.
_________________
-MCC
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Dagorath
Member


Joined: 03 Apr 2005
Posts: 264
Location: Energy level 1.5

PostPosted: Thu Jul 21, 2005 12:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Pretty good. Actually, I didn't find it that enjoyable: somehow it didn't have the kind of "ring" I liked. A nice effort anyway. Small grammar mistakes, but nice work all in all.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Send e-mail
Azrael
Member


Joined: 10 Aug 2004
Posts: 504
Location: Boston

PostPosted: Tue Jul 26, 2005 3:05 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry to be digging this story up from the bottom of the pile, but I have to take a moment with my sensei's story.

Quite a few GPS errors, which was eyebrow-raising, especially coming from you. Little things, but still. Shooting the guy was extreme, but I think it will get the reaction you were looking for. The MP uniforms were vivid in my mind.

One quick tactical concern: How do they know the intel's legit? It's one thing to torture the suspect for intelligence, but if you kill him and he's given you bad intel, how are you supposed to get the legit stuff out of him? Doesn't seem to be good tradecraft to me. That was my only problem. I'll PM you about this later on, too.
_________________
...now that's some gritty shizzle.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    HBO Fan Fiction Forum Index -> Fan Fiction Comments All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © 2001, 2005 phpBB Group