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Desperate Hope (part one)

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 2:38 pm    Post subject: Desperate Hope (part one) Reply with quote

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Desperate Hope (part one)
Posted by Gasman (aaronwarbritton@sbcglobal.net)
8 July 2005, 3:27 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Gasman0708050327261.html
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 3:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Use the code, and paragraph your sentences. Plenty of Headroom for detail, and you could have indented your paragraphs also, but otherwise a great fan-fiction. Keep it up.
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Jester
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 3:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Use CODE Other than that it was okay.
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Guardian
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 4:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, you've been here at HBO-FF for three years and still no Code.

I'm sorry.

But what the hell is wrong with you?
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Helljumper
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 10:35 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

man it needs the CODE. plus it needs background. y were so many Marines running into the open just to be killed.

ODST

u also had a Captain in command of a squad. he should have a company unless he is Special Forces
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 09, 2005 4:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't let the harshness of these people discourage you. Though, I will say that their points are valid.

Coding, formatting, and paragraphing--put proper before all those, too--is very important in a good story. Coding just makes things look a whole lot better; indentation and intalics and bold and horizontal rules, they all go towards making your work look more professional (and while people shouldn't judge by looks in most cases, looks are a very big indicator in writing, and just having no coding might convince some people to not read your work). Formatting is real similar to paragraphing, except it includes indents and optional breaks between pargraphs as well as needed breaks between perspectives and story sections. Paragraphing is simply putting your text into coherent and organized blocks of text. Simple.

Listen to Helljumper. He's the local athority on all things Marines--including the famous Helljumpers (ODSTs). A Captain in the Marine Corps would indeed be leading a whole lot more than a single squad unless he were in Spec Forces. Well... I could see one exception. But it would be a close one: Say your Captain is in charge of a platoon for one reason or another which is split into four squads--he may have to lead one into the field. But I wouldn't go with that, even. That would be the job for a El-tee. So watch those kinds of military details. Some people might not notice--but count on people noticing, because we do.

The whole of the pickup you described seemed to be an utterly stupid thing for the leaders to oder in such a fashion. Pickup is not gonna be attempted in such an area. If they know that there are enemy troops about in great numbers, they are gonna either wait for the infantry to clear the LZ or to find a safer one. The only way I could see that kind of situation happening would be an ambush--Marines go to the LZ and the Pelicans land when all of a sudden a company of Covvie troops springs from the forest where they had been previously waiting. But be careful when you plan drop-offs, pick-ups, and whole missions. They have to make sense.


Overall, this was okay. You have some talent and potential. All you really need to do is practice and refine it, make the writing better and increase your skills. Listen to the advice you are given--no matter how harsh it may sound. We are trying to help you. So, good luck, and keep it up.
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Guardian
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 09, 2005 4:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok, so not three years, but two.

Which still makes me to a certain degree right.

Why can't you learn to use the code in two friggin' years?
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 1:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Chill out, Shadow, jeez...

Seeing as how all the grammatical stuff has been taken care of, I'll focus on some tactical mistakes.
Charging an enemy of unknown number that has taken cover in the woods is a very good way to get all your men killed. For one thing, they can't aim very well while they're charging, and for another it would be a lot harder to pick out more Covenant lurking in the forest while on the move.

Other than that, it was pretty good. Keep it up.
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Red Ghost
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 3:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just found it hard to buy into the marine and Elite all of a sudden...well, sympathizing with each other. They look into each other's eyes and become....what? After that the Elite was discovered dead the next morning. To create a relationship like that you need to introduce a situation to the reader that allows something like that. I mean, swore enemies usually don't just spare each other...well, there was that one scene in Saving Private Ryan...but anyway I liked it a lot. Also, it felt a bit rushed, but maybe I'm just tired...good job!
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Pajari
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 5:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't listen to those that act like the code is god, Gasman, because it isn't. It's important, but it doesn't ruin a story unless it's so bad that the entire story is a single block ot text.

That doesn't mean I don't suggest using the code, because I do. It's extraordinarily useful.

Anyway, on to what matters. This story was not bad, I'd dare say it's even good. The whole captain-commanding-a-squad thing was believable because the rest of the captain's company was wiped out and, as ranking officer among the surviving marines, he would command them. Just try to explain those kind of situations a little better in the future.

The action felt right, and it wasn't rushed or dragged-out. I particularly enjoyed the description of the Pelican crash. Keep work like this up.
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 5:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked that you showed the Covenant as less than the monsters that most stories as well as the games do.
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