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HBO Fan Fiction
Forum for HBO Fan Fiction Related Stuff
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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Syotica
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Joined: 26 Sep 2004
Posts: 579
Location: Northern Michigan
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 Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 2:59 pm Post subject: |
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Something in the formatting takes out \ in the bold parts of the story. That's why it seems so sloppy.
Of course, comments would be appreciated.
~Insomnia |
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Guardian
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Joined: 26 Aug 2004
Posts: 831
Location: Kicked to the curb.
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| Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 4:10 pm Post subject: |
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stop the suspense dammit!
Stop it!
You're killing me with it!!!!
hurry up with the next one before i go insane. |
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Helljumper
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Joined: 31 Jul 2004
Posts: 298
Location: Pittsburgh
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| Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 4:42 pm Post subject: |
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that was really good
ODST |
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Zephyr
Member
Joined: 25 May 2005
Posts: 275
Location: im at ur moms house lol
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| Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2005 1:32 am Post subject: |
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One of the best stories I've ever read.
_________________
For what is a man profited, if he should gain the whole world, but lose his soul? |
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Mainevent
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 796
Location: Mobel, Abalama
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| Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2005 5:41 am Post subject: |
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Overall, very nicely done. The ending was tense, and set up the next chapter and new enemies nicely.
BUT! There's always a but.
The first paragraph had a needless tense change. Watch those.
| Quote: | | The High Prophet of Truth directing the High Charity division of the Covenant had attacked on Earth bodly, without any prerequisites. Truth had not been reporting his actions to the High Priest of Salvation, except once, letting them know the location of Earth, which they had already found out before hand. |
This whole paragraph just flows awkwardly. It rolls off of the tongue in jumbles. This is where diction can help. Try to use words that work well together, and roll fluidly into one another. Only use the jarring break ups for effect in sentences that need it.
| Mainevent's Revisal wrote: | | The High Prophet of Truth, who had been greedily directing High Charity and her massive fleet, had rashly attacked the Human's home planet; Earth. The headstrong Covenant Hierarch had failed in his duties as magistrate and hegemon; sacrificing his duty to the High Priest of Salvation for his lustful intentions of capturing Earth and defeating Humanity. In his blind quest for power, he had foregone protocol by failing to consistently report his location and the intelligence gathered. The last transmission revealed only the location of the vile pestilence's homeworld; an already well-known fact within the Covenant Intelligence Units. |
The story itself went very quickly.
| Quote: | After the cataclysm of Unyielding Heirophant, Overseer 'Omnamamee amassed eight hundred ships, and stormed the Human homeworld, to exterminate them. What they found was a Civil war splitting the sacred bond of the Covenant in two in the division of High Charity. 'Omnamamee vaporized the Ark, which was the Forerunner ship, and destroyed every Jiralhanae controlled ship in the vicinity. Lately, the Covenant fleet had glassed the Jiralhanae homeworld, and had vaporized High Charity, killed the Demon, and had restored the second sacred ring to its original state.
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This is very quick, and again, broken. It's understandable, but hard to do so. Think of your story as the following picture.
Your story is the road. Right here, the road curves, winds, and goes uphill. Granted, the road can be traversed, but it takes more time and effort to do so. Instead, try to smooth your story out more, so that the road is straight and level.
There was an instance of repetition in the first paragraph of the second section, watch out for that. Not a big deal though, it only happened once. A run through should help you catch that next time.
You're Covenant personalities seemed on the mark; so good job there.
As I said; overall the plot was good but the progression needs refining. Definitely a lot to keep me interested, so just keep working on it and you'll be on par in no time. |
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Guardian
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Joined: 26 Aug 2004
Posts: 831
Location: Kicked to the curb.
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| Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2005 3:56 pm Post subject: |
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Ha ha! that picture was used in the game
Rush 2047 for N64! oh man the game kicked ass! |
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Mainevent
Member
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 796
Location: Mobel, Abalama
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| Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2005 4:22 pm Post subject: |
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| Yea, that street's use a lot. It's even in GTA: SA. |
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