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hboff
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Helljumper
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Joined: 31 Jul 2004
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Location: Pittsburgh
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 Posted: Fri Jul 08, 2005 4:33 pm Post subject: |
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i dont' like how u started it. you kinda did it as a summary. You didn't visualize the characters for us. could've been alot better.
ODST |
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Mark Lieberg
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| Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2005 3:10 am Post subject: |
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Yeah, I wasnt really proud of this one.
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Mark Lieberg
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"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)" |
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Mainevent
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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Location: Mobel, Abalama
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| Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2005 5:19 am Post subject: |
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| Also, "shot story" is not necessary in the title. |
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Mark Lieberg
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| Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2005 6:02 am Post subject: |
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blah...well i guess i can be labeled as stupid this time?
btw, CDW and I are working..on...nah..nvm. I wont talk about it...
well that Chp 8 i got 10 pages done, but the last four..still needs work.
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Mark Lieberg
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"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)" |
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Mainevent
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| Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2005 6:27 am Post subject: |
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Supid? Naw.
It was an oversight. |
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Mark Lieberg
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| Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2005 6:55 am Post subject: |
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i hope i get more reviews..but hey...$h!t happens.
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Mark Lieberg
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"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)" |
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.
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| Posted: Sat Jul 09, 2005 6:48 pm Post subject: |
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That's why you must work on a story with all your effort, Mark. If it doesn't feel right, keep on it until you are at least satisfied. You don't have to feel it is your best work ever, but make it at least as good as you can. Of course, that's experience, too. Oh, and, yes, you need not tell us what kind of story you are posting. A title is just fine.
I agree with Hell. It did start out in summary. Describe, don't tell--remember.
| You wrote: | | On a dark, rainy, thunderous day, the trees in the surrounding forest were an ideal location for cover. Plasma or motor fire would have to shoot throughout the entire area in order to locate their enemies. |
Instead of that, describe what is happening around your character, or in your setting.
| I wrote: | | Another flash of lighting split the sky, lighting the forest below with a series of bright, strobing flashes. No sooner had the torrential sheets of warm rain been lost back into the dark and gray backdrop of clouds when the delayed crackle of rumbling thunder rolled across the landscape. The maze of trees scattered about the hillsides shrouded the muddied ground beneath, but only slightly. Even still, the array of thick trunks and scraggly underbrush made for dreadful battle conditions--more so for the enemy. The whole mountain-side would need be covered with morter blasts to eliminate the enemy in that fashion; instead leaving the area open only to slow and tedious ground assault via infantry. |
And in that, you get a better scene, as well as more length. Just an example, and not something you need do for every two sentenses, but something to keep in mind.
| Quote: | | Another minute ticked by, and quietly, the Armour Piercing Fin-Stabilizing Discarding Sabot round flung itself from the holding chamber, into the firing chamber, and out the muzzle. |
Well, for one, the bullet would already be in the firing chamber if it was to be fired--only after the bullet was fired would another replace it from the magazine. Semi-auto: The blowback would drive the bolt backwards, and as it was pushed forward again, a new bullet would go with it, stopping in the firing chamber. But that is inconsequential. What I really wanted to point out was that "quietly" is not the word for that sentense. A Sniper Rifle--and SRS99C-S2 AM UNSC Sniper Rifle equipped with APFSDS rounds--is not gonna be anywhere near quiet. Further, you cannot silence a super-sonic round, which a discarding sabot will be. Details, details. Gotta watch 'em.
Overall, this was pretty good. You're getting better. Just keep listening to comments and using the advice to improve. Keep it up.
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Mark Lieberg
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| Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 1:06 am Post subject: |
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yeah..........thats why i had a bad feeling about this...agpouabf gopab
well, maybe I should post my Chapter 8 in two parts cause I cant seem to get to writing the last four..and trust me..the first 10 pages are great. ...
it should seem like the books.
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Mark Lieberg
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JCDentonCZ
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Joined: 14 Oct 2004
Posts: 381
Location: The Netherlands
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| Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 12:10 pm Post subject: |
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Come on, Mark, If I'd do this like you I'd be far around Part 54 or something by now, but all bad quality and a great idea misused. I'm working until I think, and the others, that it's perfect before I submit them. Like Dave, too, he won't post anything until it's perfected. That's also how I think.
For the rest, the try wasn't bad, the plot wasn't really bad, but even the greatest of ideas does not lead you to a great story. Without proper ways of telling, showing the story, It's not getting the attention and care it needs.
For examples, Jokes. If you time them right, even the dumbest of jokes can be fantastic and funny, but when you time it wrong, even the greatest joke's not much more than a few words.
Good luck with your next works.
- JC
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Nick Kang
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 688
Location: Michigan State University
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| Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 1:00 pm Post subject: |
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There were also a couple tactical errors in there as well. If it was eight Marines against an entire camp of Covenant, the best chance you would have would be stealth. If I remember correctly, the UNSC has another type of sniper rifle, which can be silenced.
Also, if the sniper rifle was so loud, Covenant would be all over them.
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Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter. |
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Commander Demitri Wolf
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Joined: 11 Oct 2004
Posts: 1073
Location: In the tower above the earth
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| Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 5:57 pm Post subject: |
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| MC's Cousin wrote: | | That's why you must work on a story with all your effort, Mark. |
Thats why he's working on one with me  . |
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Mark Lieberg
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Joined: 12 Nov 2004
Posts: 770
Location: South Korea
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| Posted: Sun Jul 10, 2005 11:21 pm Post subject: |
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I posted Chapter 8. But its only half of the Chapter.
there will be another ten pages, or maybe just five after this submission later on.
I hope you guys like the chapter better then this one.
its called
Halo 2: AVoTS Chp 8--The Jump
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Mark Lieberg
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"Studying Computer Information Systems (That's Programming for you retards out there)" |
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Pajari
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Joined: 28 Sep 2004
Posts: 100
Location: Luna
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| Posted: Mon Jul 11, 2005 3:19 pm Post subject: |
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| MCC is right, this story could have benefitted immensely from some more precise detail. That's really the only problem with this one. It's a big problem and it needs to be fixed, but it's the only thing you have to work on. Your characterization, action, everything about your stories will become better with mroe concrete, precise detail. |
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