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The Enemy Within-Chapter Sixteen: And Again The Incoming Tid

 
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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PostPosted: Wed Sep 01, 2004 2:38 pm    Post subject: The Enemy Within-Chapter Sixteen: And Again The Incoming Tid Reply with quote

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The Enemy Within-Chapter Sixteen: And Again The Incoming Tide Breaks
Posted by Mind_Affecting_Parasite (pbplayer_24@yahoo.com)
31 August 2004, 9:37 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=mind_affecti.08310421373816.html
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337


Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.

PostPosted: Thu Sep 02, 2004 8:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sucks for you that your title got cut short. Try shortening it up next time.
A new comp eh? Well, just hope it doesn't break on you, it is always a bummer when that happens.
As for the story: good detail. Humans sound really skilled, but I suppose that trained soldiers should be, just try not to make them sound invinsible, that always makes things sound off.
Sounded like you got rushed towards the end. It didn't really take off of the story, but it would have helped if it would have been better.
Chap Sixteen? When are you going to end this?
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Mastergrunt
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Joined: 04 Aug 2004
Posts: 23
Location: On a frozen world with methane.

PostPosted: Fri Sep 03, 2004 2:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like it, I like it. Just don't forget grunts. Wink
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Jenkins
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Joined: 18 Aug 2004
Posts: 25
Location: Trapped inside myself...man I'm lonely

PostPosted: Sat Sep 04, 2004 6:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Minimal errors, good descriptions, and a awesome plot. It disturbs me that I can make no negative comments. Evil or Very Mad
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