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hboff Site Admin
Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351
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Zephyr Member

Joined: 25 May 2005 Posts: 275 Location: im at ur moms house lol
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Posted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 2:22 am Post subject: |
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Holy shit, this is one of the best stories I've read. Ever. In History. A few errors here and there, but nothing to be worried about. _________________ For what is a man profited, if he should gain the whole world, but lose his soul? |
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Guardian BANNED

Joined: 26 Aug 2004 Posts: 831 Location: Kicked to the curb.
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Posted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 2:30 am Post subject: |
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You wounded me.
You may have destroyed the human race. But, I'm still alive.
and I.
am coming for you
[hr]
Nicely done. |
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Syotica Moderator

Joined: 26 Sep 2004 Posts: 579 Location: Northern Michigan
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Posted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 2:31 am Post subject: |
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You and what army?  |
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SYSTEM The Hammer

Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 3744 Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie
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Posted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 2:53 am Post subject: |
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Him and this army.
Against Off-topicness.
Let's keep it on topic, people, before this gets out of hand. Wish I could see the story, but my damn computer's not a-working.
Hey, Som, there should be some kind of way to access a secondary page, or something. Maybe then people with slow, old, outdated and problematic computers like myself could read the stories.
- Dave. _________________ "Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.
"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations. |
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Guardian BANNED

Joined: 26 Aug 2004 Posts: 831 Location: Kicked to the curb.
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Posted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 3:28 pm Post subject: |
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| PM me Dave I'll send ya the story. |
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MC's Cousin Mr. 1337

Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.
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Posted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 4:18 pm Post subject: |
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I want you to take a look at that first segment real quickly... Did you see it? All but two paragraphs began with " 'Omnamamee". That's not a good thing. Even when you start out paragraphs, make sure you have some variety. Try to begin each new one differently. That was the first thing I noticed.
Overall, I could say more, but it is in the post on your prologue. So make sure to check that out. Good stuff. Can't say I took John being incinerated lightly... but I let it go. Keep this up. _________________ -MCC |
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Syotica Moderator

Joined: 26 Sep 2004 Posts: 579 Location: Northern Michigan
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Posted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 4:27 pm Post subject: |
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Don't worry, you'll see plenty of Covenant vaporized in return when the next war comes afoot.
I'll work on that next time, I was too repetitive there. Thanks for noticing. |
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russ687 Member
Joined: 06 Aug 2004 Posts: 720 Location: Daytona Beach, FL
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Posted: Sun Jul 03, 2005 5:52 pm Post subject: |
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| You wrote: | | The shuttles authority codes allowed immediate passage through the barrier of an estimated five thousand warships. |
First off, it would be "shuttle's authority", and secondly it doesn't sound quite so absolute when you use the word "estimated." Why? Because with this being a TPoV, the narrater essential knows everything, and should convey facts with full certitude. As such, you should have writting "the barrier of over five thousand warship."
| You wrote: | | 'Omnamamee cracked a smile as he recognised the power the Covenant had grown into, too powerful for anything in the galaxy. |
I've actually seen this a few times from writers, so I decided to point it out here. Recognized is not spelled "recognised. Did you use a spell-checker?
| You wrote: | | The Captain's inner strength came to a grinding halt. "My apologies Overseer. Forgive my irrational behavior, for I should not have acted in such a way being a Captain of the Guard of the Temple. Come, we shall see our glorious Priest now." |
Hmmmm. You had a good conflict building, and then you destroyed it by doing this. This Captain would not have given in so easily, or he would not have been so forceful in the first place.
x7
Way too many times to start a paragraph with the name of your character.
I'll get to the second half later, but you do have some technical areas to work with. Get those fixed before you post your next chapter; it is imperative.
-Russ |
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