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Epitaph of Destruction, Chapter I: Conversation

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 4:26 pm    Post subject: Epitaph of Destruction, Chapter I: Conversation Reply with quote

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Epitaph of Destruction, Chapter I: Conversation
Posted by Insomnia (karsinogen@gmail.com)
1 July 2005, 3:49 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Insomnia0701050349541.html
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Zephyr
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 2:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Holy shit, this is one of the best stories I've read. Ever. In History. A few errors here and there, but nothing to be worried about.
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Guardian
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 2:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You wounded me.

You may have destroyed the human race. But, I'm still alive.

and I.

am coming for you

[hr]

Nicely done.
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 2:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You and what army? Razz
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 2:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Him and this army.

Against Off-topicness.

Let's keep it on topic, people, before this gets out of hand. Wish I could see the story, but my damn computer's not a-working.

Hey, Som, there should be some kind of way to access a secondary page, or something. Maybe then people with slow, old, outdated and problematic computers like myself could read the stories.

- Dave.
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Guardian
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 3:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

PM me Dave I'll send ya the story.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 4:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I want you to take a look at that first segment real quickly... Did you see it? All but two paragraphs began with " 'Omnamamee". That's not a good thing. Even when you start out paragraphs, make sure you have some variety. Try to begin each new one differently. That was the first thing I noticed.


Overall, I could say more, but it is in the post on your prologue. So make sure to check that out. Good stuff. Can't say I took John being incinerated lightly... but I let it go. Keep this up.
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 4:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Don't worry, you'll see plenty of Covenant vaporized in return when the next war comes afoot.

I'll work on that next time, I was too repetitive there. Thanks for noticing.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 03, 2005 5:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You wrote:
The shuttles authority codes allowed immediate passage through the barrier of an estimated five thousand warships.


First off, it would be "shuttle's authority", and secondly it doesn't sound quite so absolute when you use the word "estimated." Why? Because with this being a TPoV, the narrater essential knows everything, and should convey facts with full certitude. As such, you should have writting "the barrier of over five thousand warship."

You wrote:
'Omnamamee cracked a smile as he recognised the power the Covenant had grown into, too powerful for anything in the galaxy.


I've actually seen this a few times from writers, so I decided to point it out here. Recognized is not spelled "recognised. Did you use a spell-checker?

You wrote:
The Captain's inner strength came to a grinding halt. "My apologies Overseer. Forgive my irrational behavior, for I should not have acted in such a way being a Captain of the Guard of the Temple. Come, we shall see our glorious Priest now."


Hmmmm. You had a good conflict building, and then you destroyed it by doing this. This Captain would not have given in so easily, or he would not have been so forceful in the first place.

Quote:
'Omnamamee

x7

Way too many times to start a paragraph with the name of your character.

I'll get to the second half later, but you do have some technical areas to work with. Get those fixed before you post your next chapter; it is imperative.

-Russ
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