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Epitaph of Destruction, Prologue

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 4:26 pm    Post subject: Epitaph of Destruction, Prologue Reply with quote

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Epitaph of Destruction, Prologue
Posted by Insomnia (karsinogen@gmail.com)
30 June 2005, 4:53 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=Insomnia0630050453171.html
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 5:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Reposted as series, free of errors (mostly).
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russ687
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 6:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I had this big reply for you, but this forum crashed before I could send it, how very fortunate. Confused

Anyways, I'll just say that you need to work on your Covenant POV's, as there was a very human edge to everything. Also, there was a good degree of GPS mistakes in there, so keep a close eye out for it and proof-read one more time (or just be more thorough). I noticed some redudancy in there, like where you would state the blatant obvious, which can be annoying because it then comes off as if the reader wan't able to catch it, which is an area you want to stay away from. Lastly, that new weapon that shoots at the speed of light is impossible, because to accelerate anything to the speed of light it would take an infinite amount of energy, which cannot be present in a finite universe. If anything, it needs to be slower than the speed of light (well, a lot slower for it to be practical).

Overall, it was good. The ending was too final for a prologue, but I'll trust that was intentional. Moreover, don't forget to explain why the Covenant glassed Earth after they defeated every human but not before, since that seems like a waste of troops.

-Russ
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 2:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the Comment man. Smile

Oh, and that weapon you are reffering to is in the Battle of Reachm the Flagship in the Center used it, and I thought that was the case because Cortana says "Well their wepaon does travel at the speed of light..."

You know, my interpretation.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 4:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, in that case, it would be possible. Since they are not accelerating an actual object--instead using energy--achieving light-speed velocity is just fine. I see that weapon as a large version of the Particle Beam Rifle, just amped up in size and power to snipe ships--just a bit less quickly. (After all, if ships could be sniped at the rate the Beam Rifle can sniper enemies, Humans would be screwed.)

Anyway. Onto the actual story. (By the way, Russ, I feel you agrivation. I have lost whole posts that were excellent from that. Very distressing.)

I saw what Russ did as well. There were those GPS problems. Some of them hurt the flow, others were just awkward. Here's an example:

Quote:
The Sangheili quickly jumped in a rebounding leap as the chemical weapon detonated and left a charring, smoking crater in the concrete where he stood only seconds ago. He took his Carbine, and aimed squarely at the primate that threw the explosive device. He triggered the zoom facility, and fired.


I'll start with those commas first. Every time you have one misplaced, it is a pause that is not needed, and that messes with the flow. IE--Hey, how, you, doing, man? If you try to read that with punctuation included, it really sounds off, yes? Well, in those last to sentenses, there was the same effect.

"He took his carbine *pause* and aimed..." "He triggered the zoom facility *pause* and fired." If the wording was tad different, it could work, but not the way it was--it just sounded off.

Also, there was a bit of grammar in there that was off: "...concrete where he stood a moment ago." Off tense. It should read "...concrete where he had stood a moment ago." Or something similar.

Those small things have a great effect on the overall presentation of the work. Each mistake subtracts from the quality. So just work hard to get rid of every possible mistake.


I agree also that there was a human edge to the Covvie PoVs. Yes, they sounded more Covenant than some, and not quite human, but there was some sort of missing distinction. Have you ever read Mind_Affecting_Parasite? Well, though small problems plague him/her as well, their Covvie PoV is done very well--that's why I use it as an example.


Quote:
The fourth interloper, who had been watching, dumbfounded, watched as 'Xafomee came up to him, mandibles snapping.


Small sort of mistake that is very easy to miss. But I thought I'd point it out. You repeat a term there, that is appropriate, but does not work because it is used previously. Very easy to miss--I have done so during initial proofreading. Keen eyes.


During that middle segment, things seemed to pass by rather quickly. Perhaps it was just the series of shorter segments, but things just seemed to move by without all that much story stuck in there. Each one seemed as if it could have been expanded to be a major part of the piece. Perhaps my own writing style is playing its part in my mind, but I though those areas were thin.


I must say that you do something in your plot that few others dare to do: Destroy Earth. An interesting twist, but something that is sure to present a good future for your story.

Overall, this was very good. I enjoyed it. A bit of repedetiveness, and those other issues to watch out for. So just be careful. But do keep it up. And I still have to read Chap 1.
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