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Before Then, There Were Shards;Part One

 
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hboff
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 3:09 pm    Post subject: Before Then, There Were Shards;Part One Reply with quote

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Before Then, There Were Shards;Part One
Posted by dom1 (moberly6@pacbell.net)
29 June 2005, 4:29 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=dom10629050429581.html
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Jester
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 7:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The hunters were way out of character. They arn't nearly as smart as you made them seem.

Quote:
Hundreds of thoughts, shared by the many, fill the void with all the more plenty. One time, before the time, when the Covenant was but one mind.


The Covenant are a collection of many species, so how could they have one mind.

The story was short, but other than that it was pretty good. Definetly original.
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 7:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

One mind? You mean like a central mind? I wouldn't think so, or else the rebellion wouldn't occur.

Do you mean one leadership or centralised power? That fits exactly.

Well, Jester's right. Hunters aren't very smart sometimes. Sometimes they get in the way of things or let blind rage stop them from carrying out their orders, like what happened in First Strike.

- Dave.
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 9:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The taming of the Hunters, from a Hunter point of view. Very origional.

I look foward to see what you have in store for this series.

Make it longer.
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JCDentonCZ
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 10:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Probably, If you refer on mind control; It's what they want for a loooong time to us humans. They seem to have medicin and stuff that destroys certain nerve systems and such to make you a killing machine (no fear, no pain, no feel) and a lot of stuff. But, not in the Covenant.

- JC
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Jester
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 11:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sort of like that guy in that 007 movie that's got a bullet in his head and can't feel anything.
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 11:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well, the Hunters probably don't seem very smart because all of the individuals have to coordinate amongst themselves.

Try getting you and thirty people together, and then give them orders to do certain stuff. Carry out menial tasks and just do stuff in order. Then keep changing what must be done around.

It would get very hectic and very confusing quickly.
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Zephyr
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2005 2:10 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very good. Very original. Hunters aren't as smart as you made them seem. what everyone else said.
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Guardian
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 12:59 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This felt like a repeat...
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dom1
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PostPosted: Fri Jul 01, 2005 1:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hold on! I'm not done yet. They will become one with the character...whatever. Since you all say they were out of character, well, I was going to explain how they are the way we know them. Wink The reason they're 'dumb'. So just hold on!
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Syotica
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 2:53 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked it. Very original, but the Brutes were not indicted into the Covenant that far back.
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Jester
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PostPosted: Sat Jul 02, 2005 4:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

How do we know? All we know is that we didn't see them in Halo 1.

I hope your explanation is convincing.
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russ687
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PostPosted: Sun Jul 03, 2005 3:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You wrote:
Two enormas forms, crusty, orange, and doubled over from age. One mass, a group of behemoths, orange to match but still quite young. Two movements, one is forward, the other indirect, meant for nothing but idleness. One sound, the rythmic hum, almost so deep it could have hurt. One place, a cavernous temple meant for many to visit but one power to inhabit.Hundreds of thoughts, shared by the many, fill the void with all the more plenty. One time, before the time, when the Covenant was but one mind.


Quite honestly, this was near excellent writing. Aside from that spacing mistake in there, and other things, it had some deep significance to it, and helps the reader conceptualize a being that exists not as one entity, but as a multitude of individuals composed as one flesh.

I wish I could say the same thing for the rest of your writing. I see this every now and then, when authors seriously take the time on one segment (like you did in the opening paragraph) but slipped up thereafter. Don't mistake this as being a harsh outlook on "bad" writing--the writing is still fine--but on a comparative scale to that first paragraph you did degrade quite a bit on the intellectual level.

Now what I mean by regression to a lower level of writing is that you lose sight of what a Hunter is. They seemed to take on a distinctly human edge.

You wrote:
He was young, and impatient. This was noticeably apparent to his fellows, since his chanting was quicker, disorderly, and even less thought of.


I'm not sure why people don't notice some things like this, by patience is a virtue, and is easily characterized as a human trait, not necessarily a universal trait. Moreover, impatient speaking, characterized here by quick and disorderly modes of communication, is again a very human attribute. Who is to say that "impatient" conduct isn't something completely else amidst this other species? I'm not going to start giving you possibilities to work with, but rather my point is that when dealing with aliens that have no innate connection to humans, their reactions under similar circumstances (or, "feelings") will not be the same. Don't be afraid to make your aliens "alien."

Also contributing to my earlier statement of you dropping a level in regard to writing, you had some GPS mistakes that can't be brushed off in face of excellent content. Easier said, the mistakes made were not easy to overlook because you did not have deep and meaningful writing, as in that first paragraph. So this dropped you down.

Example of Both.
You wrote:
The crowd once again cried out, "Oo-rah!" The first Eldar spoke up. "It is about time. It gets very stuffy in here." The crowd roared at once, "Yes! It does!"


GPS mistakes mixed with overtly human behavior.

Overall, pretty short, but it was acceptable, though there was plenty of room for more descriptions in there. The ending seemed somewhat ordinary, and didn't leave me with any motivation to read the next part; full out drop-offs are not advisable, but simple "will he survive?" question doesn't leave a prospective future for you in the eyes of your readers. Writing wise, this was good, though the errors detracted from the entire piece.

Keep working.

-Russ
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thedarkfire
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PostPosted: Mon Jul 04, 2005 6:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just noticed you spelled enormous wrong dom. Whoops.
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