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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
Site Admin
Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
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Jester
Member
Joined: 26 May 2005
Posts: 323
Location: Greenville, South Carolina
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 Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 4:40 pm Post subject: |
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| Quite good. I couldn't find anything to complain about. Great job Chuckles. |
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Guardian
BANNED
Joined: 26 Aug 2004
Posts: 831
Location: Kicked to the curb.
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| Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 8:12 pm Post subject: |
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I liked the ending.
On this street, everybody screams. |
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dom1
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Joined: 23 Apr 2005
Posts: 97
Location: Merrily chasing my pet grunty Cuckoo in 100+ post land!! I made it!
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| Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2005 2:55 am Post subject: |
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Oh shit man!  That's some good stuff! This is the type of writing that gets my attention. Keep up the good work! |
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
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| Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2005 3:15 am Post subject: |
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In my trend to move away from generalizations, especially for experienced writers, I thought I'd point out the things and then mention them, so you get a little more then "flow" or "wrong conjucation." Don't worry, I'm not nitpicking, just being more thorough. As a whole, you did an outstanding job.
| You wrote: | | Killing strange aliens on distant planets, no matter how brutally, was not only accepted but applauded. |
This revolves back to proof reading, but do continue to keep an eye out for little things like that.
| You wrote: | | But unlike most things made "official" by the clandestine agency, this was very nearly the truth. |
Here's something a partly contradicts the flow. "Very nearly" doesn't fit together as one would like, so next time consider finding a synonym so that it can remain within your excellent flow. Something like "very near" or "very proximate" would seem to go better.
| You wrote: | | "How do I address you? Do I call you sir?" |
Proper writing wise, despite your emphasis with italics, it should really be "Do I call you 'sir'?" The same can be said for Chuckles' answer when he tells Caleb what he can call him.
| You wrote: | | The big Spartan shook his head. "No, it was the rebels who first called us Clowns and even if we hadn't been wearing armor nobody who laid eyes on us was left alive." |
Here's a sketchy sentence flow-wise. Basically put, you're missing a comma, and without it, it seems like a drawn out sentence. Perhaps something like:
| Quote: | | "No, it was the rebels who first called us Clowns, and even if we hand't been wearing our armor, nobody who laid eyes on us was left alive. |
That would have flowed much better.
| You wrote: | | Like Caleb, Chuckles had gotten too close to someone, and in the SPARTAN program that can lead only to loss. Better to keep your distance and maintain your sanity, because friendships were just one more thing for ONI to take away—and God knows they had already taken enough. |
| You wrote: | | A day after leaving Chuckles in Pandora City, MiNeS had returned to scavenge clothing and money. To his shame, he discovered that only his brother's pants and shirts were big enough to fit him. As he stripped off Ian's boots to go along with the civilian clothes he had found in his gear, MiNeS wondered if he could possibly sink any lower. The answer came a few minutes later when he found a framed picture in a pocket inside Ian's duffle bag. It was a photo of his brother sitting with his arm around a beautiful young lady. A little girl sat in Ian's lap, and a little boy in the woman's and they were all smiling. Oh my God. In his tortured mind MiNeS thought he could see the young woman's face change from joy to grief—from hopeful youth to bereaved widow; sad and wise beyond her years. You are his wife. The sad face in the picture lifted suddenly and looked straight at MiNeS, eyes wide with hate. |
I liked those a lot, excellent job. Something I really didn't see in your last chapter, and now its here, is the emotion. Adds depth to the characters and gives the reader some parts to relate with.
| You wrote: | | "Chuckles shot an exasperated look at the young Spartan. "For crying out loud," he whispered tersely, "will you please stop marching and just walk?" |
Very nice incorperation of some humor. I chuckled at that.
The ending was magnificant and dark. I was honestly very impressed. I like every aspect of it, and it all goes to show that you are a great author. Keep up the good work, Chuckles.
-Russ |
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Chuckles
Member
Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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| Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2005 4:01 am Post subject: |
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Russ wrote:
| Quote: | You wrote:
"The big Spartan shook his head. "No, it was the rebels who first called us Clowns and even if we hadn't been wearing armor nobody who laid eyes on us was left alive."
Here's a sketchy sentence flow-wise. Basically put, you're missing a comma, and without it, it seems like a drawn out sentence. Perhaps something like:
"No, it was the rebels who first called us Clowns, and even if we hand't been wearing our armor, nobody who laid eyes on us was left alive."
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I rewrote that sentence three or four times, but I like your version the best Nice one.
All of your critiques were valid and helpful. That is to say, I always appreciate detailed critiques, but it is rare that I agree with them completely. Good job, and thanks for the thoughtful review. I read through this thing an ungodly amount of times (translated: a lot) but I obviously missed some stuff.
Thanks Russ.
C.T. Clown |
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Bronzemage
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Joined: 30 Dec 2004
Posts: 100
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| Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2005 7:32 am Post subject: |
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Good job
Just one thing I've noticed with your stories ever since I started reading Erebus was that it has so many off-shoots, spin-offs and alternate realities that it's very hard for someone who hasn't read all your stories to work out what's going on...
You tried to explain what happened previously in your alternate "universe", and I liked that, but I'm still a little shaky about some things, especially since they all seem to be about the same subject matter and the same characters.
The realism in your stories is excellent, I really get the feeling that it's a modern day human city/plant/base etcetera, and this only adds to the very polished work. Lots of intriuege and mystery, with a lot of unanswered questions and riddles that wil hopefully be resolved.
Keep it up |
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Chuckles
Member
Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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| Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2005 10:13 am Post subject: |
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Bronzemage wrote:
| Quote: | Just one thing I've noticed with your stories ever since I started reading Erebus was that it has so many off-shoots, spin-offs and alternate realities that it's very hard for someone who hasn't read all your stories to work out what's going on...
You tried to explain what happened previously in your alternate "universe", and I liked that, but I'm still a little shaky about some things, especially since they all seem to be about the same subject matter and the same characters.
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Thanks for the comment. I've really only wrote three series length stories that have included my core Spartans and Clown backstory. Those are Mission from SATU, Ghosts of Erebus and Waking the Dead. But even though these stories have some of the same characters and some similar stock history, they are not connected otherwise. I had Spartans in Ghosts that died in SATU, and I have Spartans in Waking that died in ghosts. Each has their own unique plot and backstory, even though some things are shared. All of the history or info that you need to know for Waking the Dead is included in the story.
In other words, you don't need to know anything about the other stories to understand this one. Waking stands completely on its own. And, as anyone can tell you who has read both Mission from SATU and Ghosts of Erebus, even my regular characters are not exactly the same from story to story. For instance, the Lexicus from SATU is somewhat different from the one in Ghosts.
So if you feel that you do not know something that you should, rest assured that it is probably because I have not yet revealed it. I always play fair with the reader. I will not foreshadow something or set up a mystery without making everything clear in due time.
Thanks again for the comment, Bronze.
C.T. Clown |
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Guardian
BANNED
Joined: 26 Aug 2004
Posts: 831
Location: Kicked to the curb.
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| Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2005 8:45 pm Post subject: |
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what no comments from Russ, Chuckles or anyone for me fic?
::walks away head drooped down:: |
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Caleb the Jackal
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Joined: 11 Jan 2005
Posts: 369
Location: Are you crazy!?
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| Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 2:17 am Post subject: |
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Hey Chuck that was awesome. I really like the way that you introduced the characters. Just two questions.
Was that Simjanes about to torture the poor old lady?
And also is Caleb and MiNeS Spartan III's? They both seem rather immature for seasoned soldiers. Just a thought.
Well I think I would be repeating someone if I told you anything that I saw wrong.
Good work. Don't feel rushed to put in action scenes until the storyline is all in motion.
Caleb |
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.
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| Posted: Thu Jun 30, 2005 4:00 pm Post subject: |
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Very impacting, the mix of emotional moments. Gave me a good emotional standpoint from which to look at all the elements.
I would have done my own little nitpicky rant, but Russ did a good job at covering everything that I noticed. So I'll just agree with all he said. Proofreading--as you can see--is important (listen up, new writers). Even experienced authors can miss some items. Being careful and thorough is important.
Can't wait for the next. This one--like the others--has its own distinct differences that make it fun to read and experience. Keep it up.
_________________
-MCC |
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SYSTEM
The Hammer
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie
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| Posted: Thu Jun 30, 2005 4:03 pm Post subject: |
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I love Chuckle's dark, ominous style. It's quiet, still, with a hint of forewarning, and then suddenly it explodes, with this loud, attacking, aggressive, attention-getting event. Like a crash cymbal. You hit the bell to make it ping, and then build it a bit, letting the sound get louder and louder, and then let it explode.
Remember the Ghosts of Erebus? Awesome.
I'll read this story when the computer works again. Along with Jester's and a few others. Why is it that my computer never works when I want it to?
Aw, well, I've got my fingers crossed.
- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.
"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations. |
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CoLd BlooDed
Moderator
Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 706
Location: Noit acol.
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| Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2005 12:31 am Post subject: |
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Sorry I got to this late... really late, but the grounding has been impeding me from reading anything on this site.
I loved it, especially the ending; the tie to the title was, in my opinion, truely unexpected and thus gave it that extra thing I call the "shock-factor".
On a scale of one to ten, I'd say that I don't give out ratings! |
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SYSTEM
The Hammer
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 3744
Location: Tango, Oscar, Charlie
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| Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2005 1:24 am Post subject: |
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On a rating?
Well, I've got one thing to say. Three words folks, three words.
 - Hell Yeah Chuck!
- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.
"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations. |
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Ark Night
Member
Joined: 30 Nov 2004
Posts: 871
Location: Connecticut
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| Posted: Sun Aug 07, 2005 3:29 am Post subject: |
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Nice story. Nice title. There were a few things wrong that Russ pointed out, but no big deal. Other than that there was nothing else wrong. Nice job as always, Clown.
-Ark |
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