HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Part One: Introductions
Posted by 7he grunt w/a plasma pistol (Sk8terWildT@msn.com)
27 June 2005, 2:12 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=7he_grunt_wa0627050212121.html

MasterSushi · Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 3:52 pm Post subject:

First of all is length. T'was purdy short, see? Length is good because it makes you look better than you really are.

Code is next. You had nice little paragraphs but no indents or any of the other little toppings.

All very good really, a few spelling mistakes but they wouldn't have been notcied if this was longer.

Jester · Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 4:26 pm Post subject:

It was a little short, but not overly. Code would have been nice. It didn't really affect the story too much though. Not to many spelling mistakes. Overall it was quite good.

Nick Kang · Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 4:40 pm Post subject:

The Code would be welcomed. There were a couple switches in the tense towards the beginning, so be sure to watch out for that. Work on that, plus making your dialogue a bit more realistic and that's good for starters.
_________________
Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter.

Jester · Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 4:42 pm Post subject:

I just noticed you were a newb. Good for your first story here. A ton of newbs posted stories with the update.

mooching sack of death · Member Joined: 20 Apr 2005 Posts: 25 Location: bleh

yeah no kidding, youve got a great writing style. if i could write like that maybe i'd post something without making people cry. someday, someday.... Crying or Very sad

i hope you continue that series though, cause i really enjoyed it. moochers.

Michael Archer · Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 8:14 pm Post subject: story

Great story. 2 thing.

CODE

And Elites don't call there superiours "sir". Try "Excellency" next time.

JCDentonCZ · Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 8:52 pm Post subject:

To avoid all the "Excelentcy's in the next part, Also try:

"Master"
"Leader"
"Commander"

Remember, the Elites talk, well, elitist. Their language is richer and unfilthed, at least in the common and higherplace, at least. the Human language is somewhat filthed by street languages and such. How they spoke in the middle ages, it was almost Art. When they weren't making war, that is.

- JC
_________________
A million ideas..

Zephyr · Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 9:45 pm Post subject:

The Elite speech was very unrealistic. very unrealistic indeed.
_________________
For what is a man profited, if he should gain the whole world, but lose his soul?

Guardian · Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2005 12:12 am Post subject:

dom1 · Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2005 2:37 am Post subject:

Archer, you said what I was going to say. Shadow, you did, too. Are you people feeding off me? I'm sending Cuckoo after you people....

Guardian · Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2005 9:51 pm Post subject:

Well if you count hacking into the security mainframe of your mind, then bypassing several memory relays. Pushing my virtual mech into your core processing systems. Then into the mathematic calculations and then finally into the subconsious thoughts.

Then Yes i'm feeding stuff from you.

otherwise, no.

Covie_Lover · Member Joined: 07 Aug 2004 Posts: 280

Writing style is pretty good. Work on the stuff that other people said.

-On an unrelated note-

Pigs are fun! Mooooooo!

Mr_Noob · Member Joined: 17 Mar 2005 Posts: 3

Chuckles · Posted: Thu Jun 30, 2005 2:14 pm Post subject:

Mr. Noob wrote: