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Part One: Introductions
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 3:04 pm    Post subject: Part One: Introductions Reply with quote

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Part One: Introductions
Posted by 7he grunt w/a plasma pistol (Sk8terWildT@msn.com)
27 June 2005, 2:12 am

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=7he_grunt_wa0627050212121.html
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MasterSushi
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Location: Sitting in a chair. On my own. Eating cupcakes. And people tell me to get a life. Ha.

PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 3:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

First of all is length. T'was purdy short, see? Length is good because it makes you look better than you really are.

Code is next. You had nice little paragraphs but no indents or any of the other little toppings.

All very good really, a few spelling mistakes but they wouldn't have been notcied if this was longer.
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Jester
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Joined: 26 May 2005
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 4:26 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

It was a little short, but not overly. Code would have been nice. It didn't really affect the story too much though. Not to many spelling mistakes. Overall it was quite good.
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Nick Kang
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
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Location: Michigan State University

PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 4:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Code would be welcomed. There were a couple switches in the tense towards the beginning, so be sure to watch out for that. Work on that, plus making your dialogue a bit more realistic and that's good for starters.
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Jester
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 4:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I just noticed you were a newb. Good for your first story here. A ton of newbs posted stories with the update.
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mooching sack of death
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Joined: 20 Apr 2005
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 5:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

yeah no kidding, youve got a great writing style. if i could write like that maybe i'd post something without making people cry. someday, someday.... Crying or Very sad

i hope you continue that series though, cause i really enjoyed it. moochers.
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Michael Archer
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Joined: 19 Aug 2004
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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada, North America, Earth, Inner Planets, Too bad it won't let me go farther.

PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 8:14 pm    Post subject: story Reply with quote

Great story. 2 thing.

CODE

And Elites don't call there superiours "sir". Try "Excellency" next time.
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JCDentonCZ
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Joined: 14 Oct 2004
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 8:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

To avoid all the "Excelentcy's in the next part, Also try:

"Master"
"Leader"
"Commander"

Remember, the Elites talk, well, elitist. Their language is richer and unfilthed, at least in the common and higherplace, at least. the Human language is somewhat filthed by street languages and such. How they spoke in the middle ages, it was almost Art. When they weren't making war, that is.

- JC
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Zephyr
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Location: im at ur moms house lol

PostPosted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 9:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Elite speech was very unrealistic. very unrealistic indeed.
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Guardian
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2005 12:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
He test fired the Carbine into my shields to see that it was working and then reloaded it.


Are you sure firing a round surrounded by pure radiation is wise in a phantom filled with other Elites and Grunts?
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dom1
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Location: Merrily chasing my pet grunty Cuckoo in 100+ post land!! I made it!

PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2005 2:37 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Archer, you said what I was going to say. Shadow, you did, too. Are you people feeding off me? I'm sending Cuckoo after you people....
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Guardian
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 28, 2005 9:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Well if you count hacking into the security mainframe of your mind, then bypassing several memory relays. Pushing my virtual mech into your core processing systems. Then into the mathematic calculations and then finally into the subconsious thoughts.

Then Yes i'm feeding stuff from you.

otherwise, no.
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Covie_Lover
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 2:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Writing style is pretty good. Work on the stuff that other people said.

-On an unrelated note-

Pigs are fun! Mooooooo!
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Mr_Noob
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2005 2:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

MasterSushi wrote:
First of all is length. T'was purdy short, see?


Short?!? Ha. I don't know if you've checked the HBO fan fiction submission form seeing as the largest story you can submit is 32K and mine was 30.5.
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Thu Jun 30, 2005 2:14 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mr. Noob wrote:
Quote:
Short?!? Ha. I don't know if you've checked the HBO fan fiction submission form seeing as the largest story you can submit is 32K and mine was 30.5.

No, this was nowhere near the 32k limit. Not even close. This was only a little over a thousand words and I have submitted chapters of five thousand words, and that is not even including what was added by the Code.

If you want to see how big your story is, save it in Notepad and then check the size of the file. Checkng it in Word will not give you an accurate size.

C.T. Clown
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