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Refugee: Part I - Hope, You Fickle Fellow
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2005 3:10 am    Post subject: Refugee: Part I - Hope, You Fickle Bastard Reply with quote

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Refugee: Part I - Hope, You Fickle Fellow
Posted by stan (stantrl@gmail.com)
17 June 2005, 7:11 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=stan.0617050711041.html
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stan
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Location: I wish I knew.

PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2005 3:36 am    Post subject: Just for the record... Reply with quote

I realize that having the word "Bastard" in the title of my fan fic might be a bit uncouth, not real classy if you will, and if it upsets anybody, I apologize. I realized this after I had already reviewed the story, and I tried to change the title of the story to "Hope, You Fickle Fellow" (which I actually thought sounded better) but I guess with the way the submission form works, I had already provided a title, and the change wasn't applied.

Anyways, I hope you like the story, and if you don't like the title, I'm sorry.
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Zen-Army
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2005 2:12 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

the change was applied. titles could be a hell of a lot worse and rediculusly, yet hilariously obscene.
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Jester
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2005 5:00 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quite good. It seems that you are only a rookie of writing to this site. Meaning that you know how to write, we just don't know you. GPS was your biggest problem. You spelled animial like this a couple times: nimal. Don't worry about the title, you'll soon realize that if you get offended easily then you should leave. We here at HBOFF aren't exactly worried about insulting people to help them. Most newbs take it the wrong way. Continue like this and you'll have no problems.
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Zen-Army
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2005 6:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Just a few things to point out. The battle for New Mombasa lasted at most a few hours. It started when the covenant attacked earth and ended when Regret's carrier made a slip space jump to delta halo, which destroyed most if not all of the city.

Your story was pretty good. Its always nice to see a fan fic that isn't a generic attempt at science fiction jam packed with unrealistic battles and uber marines.
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Zephyr
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2005 7:37 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Daaamn. Good, and what everyone else said.
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stan
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2005 8:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Jester wrote:
GPS was your biggest problem. You spelled animial like this a couple times: nimal.


I'm not sure what you mean. I was writing about animals. Animial is not even a word.

As far as the actual specifics of the battle of New Mombasa, I realize that I didn't quite stick to the facts. I had this idea for a story, and I really wanted to get it down before I got distracted, so I didn't really have the time to go fact check (or even play through that level of the game). In any case, I'm not too worried about it, because Fan Fiction is supposed to be stories inspired by the Halo universe, not dictated by the events of that universe. So, if I have to mangle a few of the facts to achieve what I wish to achieve with my story, I think that's ok as long as the essence of the Halo story is intact.

Anyways, thanks for the positives everybody, and I'll keep the criticisms in mind when I write the next chapter in a few days here.
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Zen-Army
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2005 8:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

If you don't have all the facts down, but want to conform to the Halo story, then you can have all this occure on a different planet. The covenant have invaded planets before. several if i remember correctly.
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Jester
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PostPosted: Mon Jun 20, 2005 9:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You definetely need to take the time to look up the facts. Trust me, it just helps.
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Wiley K.
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 21, 2005 2:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not always. It wasn't horribly wrong. Diverting from the path isn't that bad.

Nice job.
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Jester
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PostPosted: Tue Jun 21, 2005 2:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not horribly wrong this time, but some times there are details that can't afford to be messed up. Treat this as a lesson for future refrence.

Whenever you spelled animal in your story it only came out as nimal. This could just be my computer, but you should check.
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stan
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2005 3:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That's bizarre, it's fine when I look at it. I wonder what kind of glitch would make "a"s disappear?
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Zen-Army
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2005 3:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

perplexing.
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JCDentonCZ
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2005 3:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wiley K. wrote:
Not always. It wasn't horribly wrong. Diverting from the path isn't that bad.

Nice job.


Just a Wiley said. Innovating's usually the effect of not knowing the true intention or in this case, plot. And that doesn't have to be bad.

I have to be quicker to the 'Fictions, but when I am, I always have almost no time to read them. In the meanwhile, the rest covered the problems already... Not really bad. Wink Just keep trying.

- JC
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Wed Jun 22, 2005 5:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

While Halo Fan Fiction may be Fiction inspired by all things Halo--whether it be the books or games--one should make an effort to keep things fairly accurate to the set time-line and presented "Halo Facts." Now, this is not to say that a writer [of HFF] cannot use Halo elements, and change them a bit. That can be fine too--as long as you are recognising this and not trying to stick a piece that differs from the set Halo-verse into the Hv.

But, never disregard those facts. You want--or should--your story to be the best it can be. If that means spending some extra time playing through a couple levels or reading a few chapters (if you've read them already, that is) from the books, so be it. An author should never rush a story. That can cause a whole host of problems. So never hesitate to take those extra couple hours to make your story all the better.

And never--never--take on the view-point: "It's only Fan Fiction."


Anyway. Onto other things.

Quote:
His house, along with all his earthly belongings, were destroyed.

Very small mistake, but still the kind of thing to look out for. Because you have that middle section within commas, "were" should be "was." Those commas make that part of the sentense removable. And "His house were destroyed" does not sound right. The grammar is off. So always watch out for that.

Small mistakes are something anyone can miss. I know that even after countless proofreadings, I can still find an occasional spelling or grammar or punctuation mistake. They are very easy to miss. Of course, that is why proofreading is so important. Your work does not look to be of the un-refined sort, but I would still suggest keeping vigilant when proofing your work. Hey, if you have friends that like you and like to read, hand off a copy to them. Outside editors usually help quite a bit.


Coding. Simple little thing that makes your work look all the better. And appearances can be important. So, just click on the link in my signature to learn how to use the Code.


Spell out those numbers. Easy to do, and it makes things read better. Yet another small piece of the whole picture that just makes the product come out better.

Same goes for stuff like proper nouns. Covenant is a proper noun, and so should be capitalized.


Overall, this was pretty good. You have potential. Just listen to the advice that the commentors leave you, and keep working. Good luck.
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