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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
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Joined: 25 Jul 2004
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CoLd BlooDed
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Joined: 09 Aug 2004
Posts: 706
Location: Noit acol.
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 Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2005 4:35 pm Post subject: |
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So... good. I can't get enough of this writing style. It's just so damn dark!
I clearly felt MiNeS's pain as he slowly realized that he killed his own brother and then flipped through the pictures. Emotionally horrifying.
Great job, I can't wait to see where you go with this. |
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Guardian
BANNED
Joined: 26 Aug 2004
Posts: 831
Location: Kicked to the curb.
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| Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2005 4:51 pm Post subject: |
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You really have some talent to die for.
Well not die for, but you get the idea. I loved the story. It was Da Bomb.
Its sad, out of all the fanfictions posted. I saw a total of three.
THREE I TELL YOU THREEEEEEE Fanfictions that had coding. Your's bieng on of them.
Nice one, can't wait for another story by you. |
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Caleb the Jackal
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Joined: 11 Jan 2005
Posts: 369
Location: Are you crazy!?
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| Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2005 5:48 pm Post subject: |
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Wow... Chuck that made me feel really bad. But it was still a quality fic.... I really wish that Mines hadn't killed his bro. Made me feel real real bad.
But it still had a quality Chuckles-esque feel to it. But still poor mines. It took me a minute to figure out why Xraf was still alive but I got it in the end.
Good job
9.5/10 (I took off a point five because it made me so sad that Xraf died and Mines bro... But still good for someone with no emotion.  )
Caleb |
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.
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| Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2005 6:28 pm Post subject: |
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Very nice. I felt everything kind of distantly, but I still got a good sense of the emotion. For me, though, it seemed to pass a bit quickly. Perhaps I just wanted more; but the whole thing seemed to happen so quickly. And what a coincidence--finding a twin brother on the opposite side of the battle, on some random mission, that just happened to recognize his brother-long-gone.
Good stuff. I'll be awaiting the next.
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
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| Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2005 8:41 pm Post subject: |
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Very good.
A few spots I noticed some punctuation-flow issues, such as...
| You wrote: | | As he gently squeezed the trigger the rifle might as well have been frozen in stone. |
There were very few of these type of errors, so not much to be concerned about (just like myself, probably just missed them in your proof-reading) but nonetheless something to be aware of.
Another thing is word-elaboration...
| You wrote: | | "Okay," Chuckles said, his voice a mix of anger and emotion, "Your turn, kid." |
"Anger and emotion" is somewhat vague, most notably the latter of the two words. Next time dig out a thesaurus or think just a little more about what Chuckles is feeling. "Anger and remorse" would have been a lot more on key and more descriptive of his emotions.
Your conflict in there between Chuckles and MiNeS about Xraf appeared too fast; you should really delve into one or the other's feelings about the situation first before developing a confrontation. Like with the "anger and emotion" part noted above, use that and then take a paragraph or two and go a little deeper into this sudden loss; trust me, you won't bog us down. Build the tension first, then enact the conflict.
Likewise, there seemed to be marginal resolution to the conflict. Yes, MiNeS was put in his place, but it seemed too easy considering that just a second earlier the junior Spartan nearly disobeyed orders entirely. Describe more of their emotions (in this case MiNeS's) so the reader gets a clearer picture about how disgruntled or distressed MiNeS is over the loss and how apprehensive Chuckles is about working without another experienced Spartan, and is now "stuck" with MiNeS.
| You wrote: | | Without a word he smashed his armored fist into the soldier's head, cracking his skull. Surprisingly, the rebel did not scream but looked up at the Spartan, eyes wide with surprise. He spoke in a thin, weak voice. |
Well, this is to just point out a minor realism factor. Had the Spartan punched this rebel in the head, enough to crack the skull, I don't think he could be conscious to speak, or able to talk at all for that matter. Just a thing to consider in the future, as it helps to keep things on the practical side of the line (well, for me at least  ).
The scene of MiNeS's brother dying was way too fast. I need a lot more than a simple paragraph and a half. Perhaps I'm just a little odd this way, but having that extra detail on the emotions and feelings rushing through the character makes it so, so much better.
Overall, it was good. Strong ending, too. Just work on those things above for your next piece and you'll be doing just fine. GPS was all good, and you broke things up very well. Keep going.
-Russ |
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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| Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2005 9:09 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks guys.
And Russ, thanks for the critique. I don't get very many of those (usually just MCC) so it is nice to have someone make me look at my story again.
You wrote:
| Quote: | | Likewise, there seemed to be marginal resolution to the conflict. Yes, MiNeS was put in his place, but it seemed too easy considering that just a second earlier the junior Spartan nearly disobeyed orders entirely. Describe more of their emotions (in this case MiNeS's) so the reader gets a clearer picture about how disgruntled or distressed MiNeS is over the loss and how apprehensive Chuckles is about working without another experienced Spartan, and is now "stuck" with MiNeS. |
This is a style and context issue. It is more my style to show my character's emotions through their actions then to describe it. I thought that I gave a fair indication here, but maybe not. And even though these are not usual Spartans, they are Spartans, so they aren't going to spend as much time mulling an issue or arguing over this or that.
But I think that you made one point without even knowing it. Most of those who leave comments on here have read Ghosts of Erebus and Mission from SATU and therefore they get Chuckles' reaction completely. He is the same character that they have read before so they know exactly what he is doing with MiNeS and why he says what he says. Your comment reminds me, however, that each series I write has to stand on its own. Someone who has not read my other stories needs to be able to understand what is going on as well as someone who has. That is my fault.
| Quote: | | The scene of MiNeS's brother dying was way too fast. I need a lot more than a simple paragraph and a half. Perhaps I'm just a little odd this way, but having that extra detail on the emotions and feelings rushing through the character makes it so, so much better. |
I purposely made this quick and shocking. It was supposed to happen like a sucker-punch. For some that may seem rushed, but taking another look at it I still like it.
As for the punch to the head, we'll just have to assume that MiNeS was holding back a bit
Thanks again, Russ. You made me think.
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
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| Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2005 9:59 pm Post subject: |
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Yes, I probably don't know your characters well enough, so when I see quick interactions without much detail I don't get the same impression from it, seeing as this is the first time. However, some of my points were the rebuttals you replied with, and it's also important to remember that Spartans are still human.
| Chuckes wrote: | | I purposely made this quick and shocking. It was supposed to happen like a sucker-punch. For some that may seem rushed, but taking another look at it I still like it. |
Without a doubt quick, but not especially shocking, because there wasn't enough tension or emotion to digest during the scene. What I mean is that you should put just more into his mindset and his feelings so that when he finds out it's his brother, it actually and really means something (not to suggest that it didn't, but it could have been a lot more impacting). Even now I'm thinking of decriptions that could have been added there, like the rage of Xraf's death, the adrenaline pumping through his veins and then the blinding shock of realizing that this was his very brother--that would have enhanced this a lot.
Though things to consider is that I'm the only one pointing this out, which means that my opinion is sharply constrasted by the other four readers who have already commented and found nothing wrong with it. In such a case, stick with the style that is the more popular/best, but just keep what I've said in mind.
As for the more detailed review, you should ask yourself: Why would I do anything less for you?
-Russ
Last edited by russ687 on Sun Jun 05, 2005 11:20 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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MC's Cousin
Mr. 1337
Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 2142
Location: Here.
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| Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2005 11:09 pm Post subject: |
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Good work at pointing all that out, Russ. Thought I touched on the speed, I did not go into that kind of detail about improvement. Shame on me. But I will back up what you have said. I did feel the same way.
The major thing that I saw was the pace--a bit too fast without enough material in those areas.
As for the stories standing independently, that had not occured to me all that much before now, either. While I am not wholly familiar with the characters or all of the previous stories, I have read some. And so I have some degree of familiarity with the characters and their expected reactions. Having how they feel and what they are thinking written out--or shown out--with more detail would be a plus. It could help slow things down and add in that extra material that I am looking for.
Good luck on your next chapter, Chuck.
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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| Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2005 11:43 pm Post subject: |
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MCC wrote:
| Quote: | And what a coincidence--finding a twin brother on the opposite side of the battle, on some random mission, that just happened to recognize his brother-long-gone.
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It may seem to be a coincidence, but that's just because you don't know the rest of the story
Russ wrote
| Quote: | . . . it's also important to remember that Spartans are still human.
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I think that I have the most human Spartans in existence. They cry, they get angry, they question orders, they feel actual family connections and they sometimes even act on motives other than duty (such as revenge). Sometimes I do give more descriptions of feelings, sometimes I don't. For me it all depends on the flow of the story. Saying more than I did just did would have seemed wrong, at least for me.
C.T. Clown |
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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| Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2005 12:06 am Post subject: |
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Caleb wrote:
| Quote: | | 9.5/10 (I took off a point five because it made me so sad that Xraf died and Mines bro... But still good for someone with no emotion. |
Ahh, that is exactly the reaction I was after. I consider my half-point well spent
C.T. Clown |
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(Na)Marl
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Joined: 03 Nov 2004
Posts: 689
Location: --Looking for you! I have a knife!
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| Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2005 3:30 pm Post subject: |
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--The only problem I have is imagioning MiNeS, with his super deep voice, ever getting emotional. What I can imagine is MiNeS screaming, "Darn it! Missed his head," and laughing as his brother died before his eyes. But that's just my XBL analysis.
--I thought the part with MiNeS brother went by a bit fast, but you said that was your plan. Even though you made it a bit too fast for me. |
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MiNeS
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Joined: 24 Feb 2005
Posts: 16
Location: Grand Rapids, MI
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| Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2005 4:40 pm Post subject: |
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| you would be suprised Marl....but anyway I agree it was quick and shocking... i like how you used my gamertag name.... all in all another great story from a great writer....i await another shocking chapter to this story |
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Mainevent
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Joined: 30 Jul 2004
Posts: 796
Location: Mobel, Abalama
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| Posted: Wed Jun 08, 2005 4:18 am Post subject: |
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| I haven't read the other stories...so I don't know much. But this is quality stuff! I loved it...even if I didn't have a clue what was going on. |
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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| Posted: Thu Jun 09, 2005 4:34 am Post subject: |
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Thanks Marl, MiNeS and Main. Especially glad that you liked it MiNeS, seeing as you're the main character. Ahh, the mischief I'm about to plunge you into! 
C.T. Clown |
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