HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

This topic is for posting comments to:

Spirits in the Mist (Part 2): Into the Dark
Posted by MadJackal
3 June 2005, 5:40 PM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=madjackal.0603051740302.html

mooching sack of death · Member Joined: 20 Apr 2005 Posts: 25 Location: bleh

hey that part was so good i had to go back and read the first part! i like your style. but i can't help wondering if maybe the Mist Spirits has some sort of relation to the Jedi in Star Wars? i don't know it just seemed that way. either that or some super cool kung foo dudes...anyhoo i haven't read anything this good since jillybean's series so great job!!! Very Happy

OpeningAct · Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2005 5:30 pm Post subject:

I'm lovin' this series. Another spectacular part.

I agree that the Mist Spirits are kinda like Jedis. I went to see Star Wars III today and Reka and Korew kept reminding me of Obi-Wan and Anakin. Which is cool.

Anyway great job. Keep it up. Smile

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

There was that repedetiveness again. For instance, "Neka" was repeated three times in the first paragraph. For me, at least, it started to stand out and become a hindrance to the flow, taking a bit out of the read. It's like when you are having a conversation with somewhat that loves the work "like." After a while, all you start to pay attention to is that word. It is simply distracting. So work on that for us--just look for that in your proofreading stages.

Hmm. The flow seemed off in a few places. Like the diction could have been different and made to sound better. You have the skill to do better, so just proofread diligently. Little things make a big difference. But just blame the rust on your preverbial writing joints. This series should help get rid of it.

Overall, this was good. I liked it--though not as much as the first. Keep working on this series, it has some good potential. Just don't rush anything.
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-MCC

Zephyr · Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2005 11:41 pm Post subject:

There was the fact that the word, "Neka" was repeated too many times. You were also lacking some commas in some places. Overall, though, it was good. I didn't know the Covenant had bars, lol.
Yeah, the Mist Spirits reminded me of Jedi, but not that much. The Mist Spirits are more ruthless and dark. However, the "bar scene" strongly reminded me of Star Wars Episode Two, when Obi-Wan and Anakin were getting the bounty hunter.

Wiley K. · Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2005 1:05 am Post subject:

The word "thug" was used a little too much, but other than that I thought it was excellent.

keep it up
9/10

Guardian · Posted: Tue Jun 07, 2005 1:10 am Post subject:

OpeningAct...name sounds very familiar.

Either you're back from wherever. Or you're new.

I think former suits you better.

OpeningAct · Posted: Tue Jun 07, 2005 6:30 pm Post subject:

Should be familiar, cos I used to be a regular on here.

SYSTEM · Posted: Wed Jun 08, 2005 1:21 am Post subject:

Yeah, Openingact was one of my inspirations when I was a strappin' young newbie with a light springy stride and a carefree attitude.

I don't like the formatting, but that's just me: the formatting's still easy to read. Watch the sentence with 'actually,' it broke focus for me.

Anyhow, keep it up! Good to see some good stuff again.

- Dave.
_________________
"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.

Guardian · Posted: Wed Jun 08, 2005 2:26 am Post subject:

I knew it!

Where did you go anyways?

OpeningAct · Posted: Wed Jun 08, 2005 5:17 pm Post subject:

I've been around but now I'm back for good, and working hard on my comeback series, Call to Arms, which I have pledged to complete since I have never completed a series.

And to Dave, I didn't know I was an inspiration to anyone, so thats good to hear.

Now before we turn this comments section into a message board, I'm sure MadJackal would appreciate us getting back to his story.

JCDentonCZ · Posted: Wed Jun 08, 2005 7:22 pm Post subject:

Yeah, OpeningAct is known by me. You've been gone for some time. Anyways, I don't know if you know me; But I think you will soon. Smile

- JC
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A million ideas..

OpeningAct · Posted: Wed Jun 08, 2005 7:40 pm Post subject:

Yea I do know you JC, I've read some of your stuff before and its pretty decent, but lets get back to Mad's story before he starts threatining to hit us with a frying pan. Very Happy

Zephyr · Posted: Thu Jun 09, 2005 9:31 pm Post subject:

I want the next story! I want the next story! I want the next story! I want the next story!
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For what is a man profited, if he should gain the whole world, but lose his soul?

JCDentonCZ · Posted: Thu Jun 09, 2005 10:03 pm Post subject: