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HBO Fan Fiction
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hboff
Site Admin
Joined: 25 Jul 2004
Posts: 4351
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Saint Schmitty
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Joined: 17 May 2005
Posts: 34
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 Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2005 3:00 pm Post subject: |
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use the covenent names, someone else will tell you them because i cant remember, and i doubt the commander would call his troops 'men'
thats all i can see. oh and use the code.
keep it up, ok. |
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thorn
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Joined: 30 Nov 2004
Posts: 23
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| Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2005 6:44 pm Post subject: |
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| It was pretty good, good formatting and such, teh story wasint bad either. Keep it up |
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Caleb the Jackal
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Joined: 11 Jan 2005
Posts: 369
Location: Are you crazy!?
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| Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2005 8:57 pm Post subject: |
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Ok here goes. This was a fairly well written piece. It seems to me that you take pride in your work so listen up.
First off that Authors Note. Some here don't like those but I don't really see a problem with them. If you want to save yourself a lot of headache and not have to hear them whine then don't do an AN anymore.
I also saw you referring to Anti-Aircraft guns as AA guns. You will want to spell that out and add a little bit more elaboration.
Also I noticed that there was hardly any description beyond your basic adjectives. As my buddy MCC would say "Add a little meat and potatoes." There were a lot of spaces where your description and elaboration didn't exist.
So just concentrate on those few things and you will be alright.
Caleb
Oh and the thing about the Covie names... You really don't have to do that if you don't want to but it would give your story a much more covenant feel. Well that is about all.  |
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russ687
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Joined: 06 Aug 2004
Posts: 720
Location: Daytona Beach, FL
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| Posted: Sun Jun 05, 2005 11:55 pm Post subject: |
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| You wrote: | | 3 months before the destruction of Halo 2 |
I had to chuckle at that. It's not really called Halo 2, but Installation 07 (I think), and the first one from Halo:CE was Installation 04.
As for the AA abreviation, well don't use it entirely. Since you're in space, nothing is called an "aircraft", so anti-aircraft weaponry doesn't make sense. Just say "point-defense" or something of that nature instead.
Watch out for repetition, most obviously with names, since I saw Kezz everywhere. Avoid using the name over and over, and mix it up with genders designators (i.e. "he said..." rather than "Kezz said") or avoid it completely.
You did more telling rather than showing...
| You wrote: | | Kezz' attack force had been dwindled down to 34 ships from the original 50. That worked out to, Kezz did the math. There were 15 Grunts per ship and 5 Jackals that was about 510 Grunts and 170 Jackals. He hoped the other Attack squadrons had faired better. |
That was not very descriptive, and seemed oddly out of place. Also, spell out numbers, since everyone of those was a nice clean number to spell out.
Don't use full capitalization for word emphasis, instead, use italics. Also, watch out for fragmented sentences, as those disrupt the flow. Try and mesh things together, and if you mention something be sure that it's (1) relevent to the plot/character and (2) it's more than a simple one-liner.
| You wrote: | | At the 40 second mark the AA guns got a lock on Kezz' ship and began to pelt the 3 inch thick purple amour with .33mm anti amour bullets. |
Three inch armor? Are you kidding? Even more off were the .33-millimeter rounds. Those are tiney and wouldn't hurt a fly. Try more like 50-mm HV rounds.
The rest went by, and I wasn't too drawn to the detail, tension, emotion, or any other plot essential elements. Work on elaborating on things, such as those mentioned, and watch out for repetition. Overall, for a first it was good, but you've got a long way to go.
| Caleb the Jackal wrote: | | First off that Authors Note. Some here don't like those but I don't really see a problem with them. If you want to save yourself a lot of headache and not have to hear them whine then don't do an AN anymore. |
It's fair for me to acknowledge that not everyone agrees with me about AN's, but then again, I don't care much what others say about it. Don't use Author Note's in your submissions, because any essential notes that you wish to make can be easily and more properly placed here, on the forum. Aside from that, it looks unprofessional and makes the author out to be either desperate or inconsiderate of their own work.
Keep going.
-Russ |
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Zado Zudamee
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Joined: 30 Jan 2005
Posts: 14
Location: The Divine Judgment
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| Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2005 2:10 am Post subject: |
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| I dont really think a grunt would be in command of an attck force that size.An Elite would be onboard to at least oversee things. |
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Chuckles
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Joined: 29 Jul 2004
Posts: 1000
Location: Grand Rapids MI
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| Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2005 9:08 am Post subject: |
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Welcome to HBO. I hope you listen to the advice and stick around.
You had way too many sentences starting with "Kezz". So many, in fact, that it began to get distracting. When you start every sentence with either the subject or "the" it is a dead give away that you have fallen into a rut. Forcing yourself to start sentences in more varied ways you will help your flow and usually lead to better descriptives. Also, you have to find more than one way to refer to your main character. You can't just call him "Kezz" or it will be nearly impossible to avoid redundancies.
You need to learn how to show your action more and tell it less. You kept telling us "Kezz did this" or "Kezz did that." Rather than telling that Kezz tried to reassure his troops show us how Kezz tried to reassure his troops. Ask yourself the same questions that the reader might. How did Kezz get his troops ready? How could you tell Kezz was nervous? Why didn't Kezz care for Jackals? How did the Covenant eventually win the battle?
Don't get me wrong, there were places where you had nice detail and were quite descriptive. But you have to get away from "Kezz did this or that". Try reading your story out loud to someone else before you post it next time.
Keep practicing.
C.T. Clown |
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JCDentonCZ
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Joined: 14 Oct 2004
Posts: 381
Location: The Netherlands
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| Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2005 1:21 pm Post subject: |
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| russ687 wrote: | | You wrote: | | 3 months before the destruction of Halo 2 |
I had to chuckle at that. It's not really called Halo 2, but Installation 07 (I think), and the first one from Halo:CE was Installation 04.
As for the AA abreviation, well don't use it entirely. Since you're in space, nothing is called an "aircraft", so anti-aircraft weaponry doesn't make sense. Just say "point-defense" or something of that nature instead.
Watch out for repetition, most obviously with names, since I saw Kezz everywhere. Avoid using the name over and over, and mix it up with genders designators (i.e. "he said..." rather than "Kezz said") or avoid it completely.
You did more telling rather than showing...
| You wrote: | | Kezz' attack force had been dwindled down to 34 ships from the original 50. That worked out to, Kezz did the math. There were 15 Grunts per ship and 5 Jackals that was about 510 Grunts and 170 Jackals. He hoped the other Attack squadrons had faired better. |
That was not very descriptive, and seemed oddly out of place. Also, spell out numbers, since everyone of those was a nice clean number to spell out.
Don't use full capitalization for word emphasis, instead, use italics. Also, watch out for fragmented sentences, as those disrupt the flow. Try and mesh things together, and if you mention something be sure that it's (1) relevent to the plot/character and (2) it's more than a simple one-liner.
| You wrote: | | At the 40 second mark the AA guns got a lock on Kezz' ship and began to pelt the 3 inch thick purple amour with .33mm anti amour bullets. |
Three inch armor? Are you kidding? Even more off were the .33-millimeter rounds. Those are tiney and wouldn't hurt a fly. Try more like 50-mm HV rounds.
The rest went by, and I wasn't too drawn to the detail, tension, emotion, or any other plot essential elements. Work on elaborating on things, such as those mentioned, and watch out for repetition. Overall, for a first it was good, but you've got a long way to go.
| Caleb the Jackal wrote: | | First off that Authors Note. Some here don't like those but I don't really see a problem with them. If you want to save yourself a lot of headache and not have to hear them whine then don't do an AN anymore. |
It's fair for me to acknowledge that not everyone agrees with me about AN's, but then again, I don't care much what others say about it. Don't use Author Note's in your submissions, because any essential notes that you wish to make can be easily and more properly placed here, on the forum. Aside from that, it looks unprofessional and makes the author out to be either desperate or inconsiderate of their own work.
Keep going.
-Russ |
1) Actually, that was Installation 05.
2)AA in space should be Flak, Anti Fighter(craft)/Bomber(craft) turrets, since plasma is easier to dodge that the flak turrets which evaporate any fighter on touch. Real handy to blast those swarming little fighters.
3)the rest of the text, I concur with. Well, Ace, hope you'll improve on all that. If you need tips, You have a lot of choice in PM'ing people, especcially the Regulars, or even better, the Regulators (or Moderators, in other words...)
And a Grunt that controls a battlegroup? Well, that would only be possible if it was smarter and had more charisma than any Prophet or Shipmaster. Although assistances could be possible. Assistant Overseer. Name it different, though. The Covenant use more advanced language, so speak more advanced, more elitist, I presume.
- JC
_________________
A million ideas.. |
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Mr. GotBeans
Member
Joined: 07 Jan 2005
Posts: 48
Location: At IHOP staring at the lady that is 350 pounds more than you'll ever weigh.
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| Posted: Mon Jun 06, 2005 7:58 pm Post subject: |
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| I thought it was ok. The only thing is that Instilation 05 (Me Tink[tee hee]) was destroyed in 2552. You said three months in 2218. Now, simple math will tell you that 2552 is...(Goes and gets calculater, calles up Bill Nye the science guy to double check, calles math teacher to triple check) 334 years after 2218. Math muthaf[udger] |
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Ace_Of_Spades9
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Joined: 06 Jun 2005
Posts: 2
Location: Canada On.
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| Posted: Tue Jun 07, 2005 12:49 am Post subject: |
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| This is ace. so to reply to Zado Zudamee i would like to say that Kezz waz not in command of the entire force, just his one ship full. But the brass will come soon. Read part 3 (when it comes out) to find out more about kezz' command over the troops. |
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Sebasman
Member
Joined: 23 Jul 2005
Posts: 38
Location: Gilbert, AZ
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| Posted: Sat Jul 23, 2005 7:08 am Post subject: |
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THIS ONE COULD HAVE BEEN DONE BETTER, but dont get me wrong, i still thought it wasnt bad....  |
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