HBO Fan Fiction

hboff · Site Admin Joined: 25 Jul 2004 Posts: 4351

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Storms
Posted by Zeta (Zeta_2@comcast.net)
30 May 2005, 9:29 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=zeta.0530050929581.html

Nick Kang · Posted: Mon May 30, 2005 2:22 pm Post subject:

It was very good.

It had a very spiritual sense in there, with the main character using metaphors and comparing the events and such. The action seemed well coordinated and descriptive, but it was somewhat short for a single story. Oh well, whatever gets you started again.

8.5/10
_________________
Eighty percent of human wisdom is the desire to not butt into other peoples' business, and the other twenty percent doesn't matter.

Odin of SoS. · Member Joined: 27 Nov 2004 Posts: 85 Location: Iraq

i enjoyed as well. pretty good descriptions of the environment and action. ill hafta go back and read a couple of ur old stories.

Helljumper · Member Joined: 31 Jul 2004 Posts: 298 Location: Pittsburgh

that was great. i could image myself there, all the mud, the sense of hopelessness.

ODST

Zeta · Posted: Mon May 30, 2005 7:20 pm Post subject:

CoLd BlooDed · Posted: Tue May 31, 2005 1:29 am Post subject:

Very nice, Zeta!

The imagery was precise, yet simple enough so I could tell where they were and what the surroundings consisted of.

I felt the hopelessness, as well.

Some of the flow was contracted by frequent fragmented sentences, but it didn't really take away from the story.

Your GPS--Grammar, Punctuation, Spelling--was fine, though, so keep at it.

Hope to see more stories from you, soon.

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

I agree that at times I was seeing the flow thrown off a bit by the short sentenses. But, the briefness of the phrases was pretty consistent, and served to give a distinct feel to the story as a whole. Fragments, yes; but Hemmingway did that, too, and he was a great author. So, stylistically, that element was good.

For all that went on pre-battle, it seemed to get rushed towards the end. I really felt the rush when it ended. It seemed rather abrupt. Like it started trailing off a few paragraphs before, but then just stopped and didn't feel right doing so. Hmm.

Overall, this was pretty good. I can't say I have the time to go back and look at some of your old stuff--I cannot remember if I have seen your work before or not--but I will keep an eye ouf for your work in the future. Keep it up.
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-MCC

Jester · Posted: Tue May 31, 2005 2:34 am Post subject:

I could really feel like I was in the war. As far as fragments, I dare any one of you to go throughout an entire day without saying a fragment.

CoLd BlooDed · Posted: Tue May 31, 2005 3:02 am Post subject:

I can.

Zeta · Posted: Tue May 31, 2005 3:08 am Post subject:

Jester · Posted: Tue May 31, 2005 3:39 am Post subject:

Okay I challenge anyone but CoLd ed to go through an entire day without saying a fragment.

Chuckles · Posted: Tue May 31, 2005 7:55 am Post subject:

Nice one, Zeta. Really did a good job expressing the mood. Your pace was good, but I have to agree with MCC; it would have been better without so many short sentences. That is a sure-fire way to kill your flow. But you are a talented writer and you did everything else so well that it was still quite enjoyable.

C.T. Clown

Commander Demitri Wolf · Posted: Tue May 31, 2005 10:33 am Post subject:

Really good, you convayed the feelings so well. 9/10-you didn't get ten because there were no Wookies. No, it was for the length, a bit more would have gotten you a 10, keep it up.

MC's Cousin · Mr. 1337 Joined: 30 Jul 2004 Posts: 2142 Location: Here.

Fragments are something to watch out for, Jester. And I will say the word as many times as I feel I need to to get my point across. It's a common problem, and so it is commonly pointed out. Besides, I often will say "short sentenses" instead of fragments, just to be a bit more descriptive with my comment.

Go ahead and challenge. I might do my best to fail.
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-MCC

Michael Archer · Posted: Tue May 31, 2005 4:13 pm Post subject: story

It was good. Kind of short and repetitive. Other than that, I think it was really good.