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Oblivious
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hboff
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PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2005 11:29 am    Post subject: Oblivious Reply with quote

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Oblivious
Posted by CoLd BlooDed†(broken_lizard12@hotmail.com)
29 May 2005, 10:41 AM

http://halosn.bungie.org/fanfic/?story=cold_blooded.0529051041371.html
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Odin of SoS.
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PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2005 1:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

HA! you tricked me.
i sure thought hed gone flood.
but noooo the opposite actually
damn good.
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Nick Kang
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PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2005 2:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yeah, I thought he had gonne Flood too. I thought 'Wow, he's trying to cover it up, but we all know it'll never work. Twisted Evil ' Turns out it did work.

Good job CoLd, damn good job.
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Guardian
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PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2005 3:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I haven't read your story yet, and i will read it. Eventually, Once i get comments on my fic.

heh.


Alternate Realities - God of War

~Shadow
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2005 5:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Damned good story Cold. Damned good. I liked the twist a lot.

My only gripe, and one that you can admittedly free yourself of based on technicality, is when you used me instead of I in the report at the bottom.

Sad

I hate you! You make criticism useless.
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Helljumper
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PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2005 5:59 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

the details were sweet.

ODST
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Zeta
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PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2005 7:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Mainevent wrote:
My only gripe, and one that you can admittedly free yourself of based on technicality, is when you used me instead of I in the report at the bottom.


HAH. I told him he should have fixed that, but did he listen to me? Nooooo.
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Mon May 30, 2005 10:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I know, I know... I just didn't put it there because people never usually hear it spoken that way, so, yeah... the caretaker isn't a writer. Very Happy

This was done at 1:30 in the morning until somewhere around 3. I guess when you're tired you tend to write less. Oh, well, thanks for reading, you guys.

I apologize for the shortness. Smile
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SYSTEM
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PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2005 12:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Now that's crazy, sad, and dark. Excellent use of imagery, excellent. I like how you ask questions to provoke dramatic pauses and thought. Two heavily calloused thumbs up!

- Dave.
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PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2005 12:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sorry about the doublepost, but,

Man, the ending shatters it and makes you cry: You're building up this dark mood, then there's this sharp paradox, and it contradicts the first, and jerks you into the dream even more by doing so: it seems so callouse, and appeals to shock and emotion perfectly.

I was listening to the song "One" by Metallica: fits the mood perfectly, and it is about the same subject matter.

- Dave.
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"Lizzie Borden took an axe and gave her mother forty whacks. When she saw what she had done, she gave her father forty-one." - A child's nursery rhyme.

"When in doubt, empty your magazine." - Murphy's first law of combat operations.
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MC's Cousin
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PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2005 1:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

You bloody well know the time of day is no excuse, CoLd. You can work on a story anytime. So don't go and try to get out of mistakes that way. That excuse just doesn't work. Very Happy

Anyway.

It seemed a bit thin. Not greatly so, but still there. That's a writing-experience thing. You're getting there; but you lack the true refined quality inherent in a seasoned author/novelist's work. Of course, this is fully understandable, considering your age and all. Regardless, the material was still of excellent quality. Keep working and refining and you'll be one of the best out there--in the real world, not just here.

I'll admit the feeling you had going there was led me to think of the situation of something other than it was. I thought briefly that he might have been infected, but certain details led me away from that conclusion. What I thought was that he was semi-conscious, maybe in a coma, after suffering from some traumatic event like a crash. Well, I suppose augmentation is traumatic enough.


Overall, this was very good. A nice little short-story from you. I just want to see you finish up TSTS--but anything else is, of course, welcome.
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2005 1:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That'll come soon, but thanks for reading.

It also appears that the introduction got cut off when posted. I think I'll post the introduction in here, instead.
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CoLd BlooDed
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PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2005 3:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Here it is; the original introduction. A considerable little bit.

I wrote:
Oh, my fucking head.

Darkness is my only accomplice at the moment, and itís certainly not friendly. My brain has deserted me, my body, leaving me alone with incomplete thoughts and frazzled actions. Ecstasy flows through my somber veins, eating away at my muscles and flesh, gnawing at the marrow within my bones, tearing at my mind and clawing at the shreds. Yet, I canít feel a thing.

Something has just dawned on me, taunting my uncontrolled figure, a question so irritatingly simple.

Who am I?

My name, it seems, has also left me, tagging along with the rest of my knowledge. F*ck.

There are so many questions, now. They flood the empty recesses of my head but find a distinct lack of answers. However, the inquiries stubbornly insist on staying, determined to find the solutions to their problems. I can, fortunately, form the coherent thought that there will be no more answers. No, not in the meantime.


Maybe that'll give you more to pick at, Main. Wink
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Mainevent
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PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2005 3:57 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I liked the intro you worked to better.

Boo ya!
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Chuckles
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PostPosted: Tue May 31, 2005 7:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I loved it. Had me in the dark right up to the time that you spilled the beans. Excellent idea for a short story. Your voice was perfect, especially when you consider that a lesser writer would have had a hard time getting more than a paragraph of reflection from it. Very well done.

You kind of went paragraph happy with this one. Yeah, I know that his mind was changing directions with every misfired neuron, but you still had too many breaks, especially at the beginning. I also saw a handful of punctuation errorsómost notably overusing commas. I struggle with that myself. Since a writer's familiarity with his story works against him in proofing (that is, we tend to see what we intended to write whether it is on the page or not) having somebody else proof your work is a great help. My friend at work can spot an extra comma in one of my stories from across the room Very Happy

But those were small problems that did nothing to lessen my enjoyment of your story. You have reminded us that you are a very talented and clever writer. Good to see something from you.

C.T. Clown
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